Love, your happiness don't begin wit a man
Strong woman, why should you depend on a man
I understand you want a man that's resourceful
If he pay your bills, he feel like he bought you
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didn't love her, cuz he didn't love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
Cuz one man fucked up men you shouldn't turn from
You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone it's hard
Find heaven in yourself and God
Common- "Ghetto Heaven"
I've always liked this verse. Common talks about a sistas struggle to find a man and also find herself in the process. I've thought about this song alot over the last week. I can think of at least 7 different conversations that I've had with some
sistas, all of whom are single and looking for a man. On the surface, these women have everything that you would want in a woman; beauty, intelligence, educated, independent, driven, caring, and committed. But they are struggling to find a good
brutha. They are looking for a brutha who comes without the DRAMA. Yes, some men have some issues (lol) but today I'd like to focus on the women. I'm not speaking of these 7 women but just women in general. What are women doing right and what they are doing wrong to find these men.
There are far more females that read this blog than there are men. Its not my intent to put the men on trial (that blog is coming) but I want to look solely at the sistas. I am concerned. I'm not here to bash. I love my sistas. I just have to call it like I see it. Hopefully, I won't step on any toes in the process. If I step on your toes...then say ouch!!!!
Here are some of the problems that I am seeing...
1. Some women are just too damn picky... I've heard women say that a man has to be __ in height and ___ in weight. His
skin has to be this light or that dark.
Hellooooo. Sistas outnumber us. So, if you want to break your man into a specific category, then you've dwindled your list. I understand that you have to like what you see. But damn...you can't too picky. If so, you'll miss that man that you're looking for b/c he didn't fit in your "box".
2. Many women don't know what they really want from a man.
If you don't know what you want from a man, then how will you know if he has what you're looking for or not? For example, if you believe in making a man wait on sex, then make him wait. Express that to him upfront. He may not like it but he'll respect you for keeping it real with him. Don't say that you want to wait and then give it up at the drop of a dime. That's a mixed message.
3. Some women don't know what a good man looks like.
If you didn't grow up in a household with a good man, then you may have a hard time knowing what a good man looks like. Keep in mind that good men come in all shapes, sizes, and hues. Remember the big dude in Waiting to Exhale (can't remember his name).
4. Where are you looking for a man?
I always joke that you can find a good man in a bookstore. That may or may not be true. I'm a cerebral type cat. I'm a thinker so I'm attracted to women who will challenge me mentally. You know...the type that will give mental orgasms. But that's just me. I think you will have a better chance of finding a man that is closer to your liking if you go somewhere that YOU like to go. If you like clubs, then you'll meet a man at a club. If you like church, then you'll meet him at church. But you HAVE to get out to meet a man. The only man that you'll meet at your house is the mailman and the milkman. LOL
5. Do not settle
This is easier said than done. I talked to my "big sis" who I met when we were in high school. She's got 2 degrees, her own home, no kids, and she's a dimepiece. But she hasn't been on a DATE in a months. She said at one point she had to settle just to get a man. The problem was that she lowered her standards...and settled for a married man. Huh? A married man? Their relationship went on for 2 yrs before she got out of it. That was a lose-lose situation for her. She knew it but chose to settle for something that she knew wasn't good for her. And she had nothing to show for it when the dust settled.
Suggestions for you...
6. Hang on
If you find a good brutha, hang on to him
7. Beware of the Dog
Dogs. Playas. Pimps. Whatever you call em. You SHOULD be able to spot em from a mile away. I don't know the difference between a coral snake and a garter snake...but I know a snake when I see one.
8. Game Plan
You must have a game plan for how you will handle a man. I don't mean that you should run game on him. Even if you could. You should have a plan for what you want from a man. More importantly, you should be able to eloquently present that to him.
9. Know Your Competition
You should know that there is other competition out there for your man. If you want to make him wait for sex, you must understand that your competition won't make him wait. You have no control over that. You need to let a man that you are different from the freaks, tramps, skeezers and skallywags that he deals with on a day-to-day basis.
10. Be Aggressive
Contrary to popular belief, men like women who are aggressive and assertive. You can be both and not be considered a freak or a tramp.
Am I off base with these thoughts? Are sistas doing what they need to be doing? Are some too independent and too stubborn to follow any of this?
Keep in mind that I am not a relationship psychologist...I just play one on tv
36 comments:
You said alot, but nothing i haven't heard before. IMO, i have adhered to and following just about everything you've posted...just not that easy. We are meeting men, all kinds, just haven't found the right fit...not giving up, but not looking either. What i have learned in the last 2 years that i've been single,is to be patient, and let that special one find me...now as for dating, i will do, but when the drama gets going or we don't click, i'm out of there. I've been aggresive too,lol that didn't work, bruh ran for the hills. Anyway no toe-stepping here,just straight talk and much appreciated.
@ Miz
I see that you are first today. LOL
I think what I've found us that women like yourself handle being single very well. As do the many readers of this blog. So, I don't think I'll be steppin on any toes. Or at least I hope that I won't. None of you are looking to slit your wrist b/c its tough for you. Lol. I think what I've found is that its a lot harder than I originally thought.
Btw...that quote last week about the trees was dead on!
Surely this is truth. I hope all the ladies read this...and heed this. There is no simple step by step formula to find happiness and each person has their own unique experiences, but these are definitely things that should be strongly considered when creating the plan.
In theory, this all sounds good, but honestly I think the problem is that a lot of MEN have lowered THEIR standards, so that women with good jobs, education and a little swagger are not nearly as desirable as the woman with the four kids and four different baby daddy's...because he wont have to do much to please her.
In spite of that, I do believe there are a lot of good guys out there, but just because someone is a good guy doesn't make him compatible.
The "good guy" from waiting to exhale...if I remember correctly...lol...was HORRIBLE in bed, but THOUGHT he was doing something.
Was #1 taking a stab at me blog brutha... you know I have my perfect man box. But I dont think there is wrong with knowing what you like, because if you dont know what you like from the opposite sex isnt that also settling... another one of your tips... hmmm... ponder on that...lol
But on the real, thanks for your advice. I dont think you stepped on any toes here. I think this is all stuff as women that we need to hear epecially coming from a man and not one of our homegirls who also doesnt have a man.
The dating game is hard out here though. But I'm not giving up!
ahm, goo advice coz i was alreay analysing a dude that just asked me out lol. Will totally take your advice
@ Sojourner G
This is so true bruh. Make the plan then work the plan
@ OD
"The "good guy" from waiting to exhale...if I remember correctly...lol...was HORRIBLE in bed, but THOUGHT he was doing something."
lmao @ you! He treated her right, didn't he? That should account for something. LOL
@ Eb
You know that I wouldn't do that to you. I do want you to look outside of that box...and you will in due time. And I know that you won't give up. He's out there for you.
@ Hadassah
Good luck with it. Stick to your guns. You are the one who is in control. Remember that.
Mizrepresent...you summed it all up. Patience and learning to cut ties when you know he's not meeting your standard is core to getting it right.
Love, romance, intimacy and companionship are essentially the only things on earth that you get to have the way you want them. Women have the right to be "picky", as do we all. What none of us have a right to do is bytch and complain along the way of finding him or her. Saying there are no good men or women is insanely naive. They are there...for some they are just not there yet.
So many gems in this piece 'richair', but my favorite is: "I don't know the difference between a coral snake and a garter snake...but I know a snake when I see one."
All I recall of "big dude" from Waiting to Exhale was that he was a boring lay who thought he put in serious work on ole girl after sex. Ugh. All too familiar. . .
This was sage advice to many-a-single woman. Thankfully, I'm of the married-ten-years-minority. It's hard out here for the majority of single chicks. It's readings like the one you've shared, and many others that helps me to wise up and stop looking at their solitary lawns, when I have my own lawn that I don't have to manicure day in and day out ALONE. I have help tilling our soil, regardless of the pesky little pesticides that come with the territory. Our 3 little rosebuds will thank us one day. At least the two pink ones (the girls of the bunch) will know, first hand, what it means to "grow up in a household with a good man." Sometimes I think I fight his goodness because I didn't have that growing up.
Living and leading a new legacy for the little pro's...
Big^s for the reminder.
P.S. Check your email.
P.P.S. I'm so nosey; is that last hot chick your Boo? LOL
yessir
gotta be cool on ur dolo
before u do that duet
ya dig?
lol
all good points
only thing is...
being in a relationship with a good guy,doesnt automatically translate into being in a good relationship
im still waiting.....
*going to find myself*
KD I agree with 99.9% of everything you said. As I told you before you know me and what kind of MAN I AM. I don't have to display anything. Just talk to me and you judge yourself.
Let me say women are picky and some really don't know what they want in a man. I strongly believe that some woman has been in grabage relationships, heartache and baby daddys drama, they don't have an idea what a good man is... An when a woman do get a good man, and the relationship is going well, they seem to mess that up too because it must be to good to be true. I not bashing woman by no means but either you going to keep it real as we say or stop playing games. If you are a person who look for specfics then keep looking but don't be the one that settle for something less than what you expected and you get dragged through the mudd now all of sudden you are single an bitter and say there are no good men out here. WELL I AM HERE TO SAY THERE ARE! Sometimes just sometimes we have to look at ourselves and ask ourselve that question. Why am I single? You may not like your answer but find something that you been told over and over to work on about yourself and try to change a little.
We try to attract people like ourselves whether it's postive or negative. Real Talk we have been told what to look for, how someone is to approach you, does this person have my best interest when we should be asking if your serious about a person ..
What are your future goals.
Are your parents alive?
Are they together and if so how long.
Now this may seem crazy but I tend to find people who parents are together (not in all cases) tend to have longer lasting relationships. Thats just me. Even meeting the parents. Hell I want to know if there's any dysfunctional family members or a gene that may trace back. Just because you look good don't mean your ass ain't crazy. Is there a family history of violence, drug abuse, and disease. I know this sound a little emtreme but think of like this..
I AM GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF LIFE WITH THIS PERSON AND I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING I CAN BEFORE I MAKE THAT DECISION.
You wouldn't have unprotected sex with a person with AIDS would you?
Well thats all.
Peace from a Single Man w/o any kids
KD I agree with 99.9% of everything you said. As I told you before you know me and what kind of MAN I AM. I don't have to display anything. Just talk to me and you judge yourself.
Let me say women are picky and some really don't know what they want in a man. I strongly believe that some woman has been in grabage relationships, heartache and baby daddys drama, they don't have an idea what a good man is... An when a woman do get a good man, and the relationship is going well, they seem to mess that up too because it must be to good to be true. I not bashing woman by no means but either you going to keep it real as we say or stop playing games. If you are a person who look for specfics then keep looking but don't be the one that settle for something less than what you expected and you get dragged through the mudd now all of sudden you are single an bitter and say there are no good men out here. WELL I AM HERE TO SAY THERE ARE! Sometimes just sometimes we have to look at ourselves and ask ourselve that question. Why am I single? You may not like your answer but find something that you been told over and over to work on about yourself and try to change a little.
We try to attract people like ourselves whether it's postive or negative. Real Talk we have been told what to look for, how someone is to approach you, does this person have my best interest when we should be asking if your serious about a person ..
What are your future goals.
Are your parents alive?
Are they together and if so how long.
Now this may seem crazy but I tend to find people who parents are together (not in all cases) tend to have longer lasting relationships. Thats just me. Even meeting the parents. Hell I want to know if there's any dysfunctional family members or a gene that may trace back. Just because you look good don't mean your ass ain't crazy. Is there a family history of violence, drug abuse, and disease. I know this sound a little emtreme but think of like this..
I AM GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF LIFE WITH THIS PERSON AND I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING I CAN BEFORE I MAKE THAT DECISION.
You wouldn't have unprotected sex with a person with AIDS would you?
Well thats all.
Peace from a Single Man w/o any kids
I've been thinking on this for years and being a good man who happens to watch, listen and learn, I have to be honest. Women as a whole have to know that they are the most influential being on earth, when it comes to men. They have the power to influence us to get married, commit or any of the things they want by doing one thing...... Stop giving up the goods. I dont go to church as much as I should but the Bible or Koran or powerful tools to living life. If every woman out there decided not to sleep with any dudes until they wed them, then every good dude would be married. We have far too many options these days. Woman have lowered their standards and as men, we have none. Our standards are governed by yours (women).
Hov
hmmmmmmmmm, i see that you have written some truths...but it gets difficult out there. for instance, i had a friend who followed (most of) those steps and she met a man. but when they hooked up, he started feeling inadequate. she wasn't bothered that she was more successfula nd had more worldly things, but he was-and he couldn't take it, so he bounced.
sometimes, you can be as careful as you need to be...but it still doesn't work. as OD said, dude was cool, but his bedroom skills were horrific. and that would be a problem in real life.
"The "good guy" from waiting to exhale...if I remember correctly...lol...was HORRIBLE in bed, but THOUGHT he was doing something."
lmao @ you! He treated her right, didn't he? That should account for something. LOL
Now Kyle...I knooooooooow you don't believe that that's all a woman needs!
I also wondered if the last pic was your wife.
My take on it? It comes down to timing? Everything in life does, and the selection of a mate is no different. I agree that women need a set of criteria that they establish for the man they choose to be with.
Whether you believe in the good Lord or not...you must admit that everything in your life comes down to being in the right place at the right time. And then having the timing to make the right decision at that time. Every lady on this string that is single can probably look back in their life and find that one guy who was probably the best for them....but the timing was off. Either he wasn't ready, she wasn't ready. He was in a relationship or you were in one. It's all about the timing working out where both people find themselves available and willing at the same time.
But I agree with Boy Wonder, sometimes we all mess up the blessing by using things outside of what's important to select our mate.
But here's a good question for the ladies to ask themselves. Have you ever had a man in your life that you let walk out of it because he wasn't a complete package? And have you ever considered that maybe all he needed was a good woman to complete his package? Food for thought.
Great post!!!! I need my sister to read this asap!!! I'm married so I took some of the advice that you posted. You are on point with so much stuff. That's why I truly enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work!! :-)
Wow, it is amazing that so many people want the truth but are afraid to apply it. I can remember the day when I was viewed as a friend. The friend zone has been the turning point for so many brothers. Hell, I thought that was what the hell they wanted. Please understand men are very simple and hate drama. If you find one with drama, take it as that and move on. Realize that we don’t change unless we (the man) want to. Men have baby mommas because they have a desire to provide, but remember we are simple and fall for the complex. We do love educate women that are strong and independent; however, you have to remember the simplicity of a man. I am an educator by design and training, but a photographer by passion and creativity. I take with hopeful brides on a regular basis that start the race before or 5 min after the gun is fired. Quite often, they are caught up in the wedding until they for get the damn groom, “cause this is my day.” Remember the simplicity of men does not require that we be as involved in the decision process, but thought about more that as the future husband. Ladies, he should already be your husband. Because Women think more widely, you have to be more understanding of the man. He is going to need time to understand you and your needs. That is not an excuse but you need to know that so your clock and be in sync with ours. Men are really simple and here are the five things you have to be ready to supply, and he’ll be the man you need.
The 5 “S’s” a man needs.
1. Supreme Rule
2. Silence
3. Sleep
4. Sustenance
5. Sex
Now let me explain.
1. Supreme Rule is making him the king of the house. Even if you both pay for it he has a need and desire to lead, rule, or at least think he is the King of the realm. If he knows you support him (Even his stupid decisions and bad directions) he then will give you the power of the queen. He has to give it, you have to let him, even if he is totally wrong; let him discover it and he will accept it, not if you tell him. Then you trying to be like is momma, ever heard that before?
2. Silence gives a guy the time to think his way through or out of something. We do it well, not as well as women, but hell this is all we got. Women think 4 times before men think once. When he gets off, he need to clear his mine b4 you talk to him or he to you. He’ll be better at talking if you give him his silence. Remember when you were dating how interesting the conversation was, he had time to think. Set aside some time once gets off for him, BY HIS DAMN SELF. He plays the TV or XBOX to separate himself and to be right for a change. This is his silent time.
3. Sleep is a natural state of bodily rest, regular sleep is necessary for survival. You need it, we need it… nothing should come before it .(period)
4. Sustenance ie. food. You don’t have to cook, just don’t make me have to go back out and pick up something. You complete me means you are what I am not and when I am weak, you are strong. You don’t have to take over, I’ll give you the lead.
5. SEX goes back to the Supreme rule… we have to be the King.
We need silence for the problems and cheering (earned or not)
We need to sleep afterward, cause we have to provide.
We need sustenance to get our energy up.
Kyle was right on point with how to get him…. If you want to keep him be prepared for the 5 S’s and if you have him and there is a problem look for deficiencies in the 5 S’s. Men are simple, well give you the world if we can just get 5 S’s and the sex was mention last for a reason.
Sorry for the BOOK
Yes they do know, and strange thing, it may not be when they are with him, but belive me, i have learned from other women, that that is why they call back, hit u when they intown, or drop the ubiquitous, i was thing about u text or email....meaning they know the TRUTH but many cant handle the truth, let alone know what they want. They say the do but dont belive the hype
Single Women, need to stop listening to their single friends. If you want advice about finding and keeping a man you need to talk to your married friends. You see anybody can find a man...the trick is learning to nurture and keep your man. As a married woman I have learned that men are very simple creatures. They want to be admired, loved, nurtured, listened to, nourished with food not out of a box, desired, and F$%%ed until their toes curl up. You follow this road map and you will surly find and keep a good man.
Wow @ some of the LONG comments. I gotta read those when I get home. They look muy interesante.
Good post, Kyle.
For the most part, I am not picky. My problem is that I seem to find the good aspects of a man and "settle" vs. him being good for me. I try to give men the benefit of the doubt...as long as they don't have kids or haven't said "I do" before. Other than that, I can make pretty much anything work. There has to be an initial attraction, though. Some kind of chemistry.
I will say that the next person I settle down with will complete me without me questioning the union (long story).
All of you have made valid points and I understand where you are coming from. I am single and I know how hard it is to find a quality man and I have several male friends that express how much difficulty they have trying to find a quality woman. Now don't get me wrong I think that I am a perfect package...30 with no kids, a steady income, homeowner and generally drama free (we all have some drama sometimes) yet I have a hard time finding a date much less a significant other. I am one of those chicks that Kyle is talking about...I am picky but not to the extent of size and skin color but you MUST be drug and disease free, homeowner (not living with your mama), a decent job (one that pays your bills and pays them on time) with benefits, have a relationship with God....is that too picky? I don't think so especially if I'm bringing the same or more to the table. And yes before you say it I have been told several times that I am too independent (I'm working on that).
My girlfriends and I always joke that if we had kids and were on public assistance that we would have a date for everyday of the week and then some because yes some men do lower their standards.
Well gotta get back to my stead income...thats all for now.
@ Rezidl
Preach on, bruh. Patience is the key. We'd all like to have more of it. It comes with wisdom. Good points.
@ Pro
"Fighting" your husbands goodness is very understandable. Just try not to do it all the time. LOL. I got your email and I think it's a great idea.
@ Dejanae
You are right. It doesn't translate into a good relationship. It's a start. A good relationship comes from hard work.
@ Jeff
Tellemwhyumadson!!! LOL. Just kiddin. You're a good man. It'll happen. You'll find her. Trust the process. Good post, bruh
@ Hov
Thanks for coming thru, bruh. As you know...the P is undefeated. We'll do anything for it. We'll do anything to get it. I'm tryna school my lil sis on this very thing. She's young, tho. Still in college. And yes...men (in general) don't have any standards.
@ PCD
Sounds like that man had a lot of insecurities. That's not cool...at all. An insecure man is a sucka.
@ OD
You know that I was joking. LOL. A woman wants to be pleased in every way. Not just sexually. But if he can't please her sexually, then that's gonna be a problem, too.
@ Brad
Good points, fam. Timing is everything. Every man that I know (including you) can tell you about that good woman that came into their life but they just weren't ready for em. Timing means a lot.
@ Brown Girl
Thanks. I appreciate it. I read your blog too. You are the fashion expert. For all of you ladies who are interested in fashion, cosmetics, apparel, etc...check her out. Her blog is sickwidit.
@ Eham
Great points, cuz. You covered a lot. The 5 Ss. I like that. Good post.
@ Torrance
The truth is hard but fair...fair but hard
@ LRenee
Great observation. Who can give you better advice than somebody who has gone where you're trying to go. I'm not saying that you should discredit your single friends but talking to married ones certainly helps
@ Jewells
At least you know where you are "weak or not as strong." That helps you out in the long run.
@ Mlinz
There's nothing wrong with being independent. Most men want a woman who is self-sufficient. I think its all on how you handle it with a man.
@ PRO and OD
The sista in the swing is not Mrs. 12kyle. My wife is Sanaa Lathan but she don't know it yet. LOL.
Seriously, I dunno who she is. Nor do I know about #2 and #4. I wanted to use pics of stars and random women, too. And no Eb, the chick in the white is not my wife. LOL
Another great post sir! Every point that you hit was valid. Something that seems to be happening a lot lately that a few commenters have touched bases on, is that a lot of the young women grow up with these horrible examples of "good men" and continue to live around that horrible example. Because of that, their idea of a "good man" is altered. I can't tell you how many of my male friends have told me that females they went out with expected them to get loud, be disrespectful and actually lay hands on them all because that was what they had grown accustomed to. The idea of a "good man" needs to start in the home with the father so these young ladies can grow up knowing what a "good man" is and how a woman should be treated.
Everyone is going in on this topic today.
I have a lot to comment on but I will say that a lot of the issue with Black women (and I am one) is the lack of a father. My own dad came in the form of a check at the most critical time in my life. It took many arguments and walking out for me to understand that just because my now hubby wanted to help me financially didnt mean he would go MIA.
I think the advice given here was awesome and I will pass it on. My own advice is to look inward, thats how you really know what you want, need and can handle.
But how do you choose when you have 3 good men all vying for your affections?
"You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too"
This is why I stay single; when I get my head on right, THEN I can concentrate on strokin' my man's, er, ego.
Welcome to my world...and I thought it was population 1
LAWD the pics though...roped me in
(Cept for that God awful third one)
Man...what is we gon do?
As soon as you find out though, put me up on it.
Hot post homie
eclectik
For a moment there I thought this post was about transgender women...sorry, To much Maury...be right back...Im going to read the post now...I have issues, I know
Very Interesting post. You put your foot in that one. You're points are right on the money too, One thing I think we as women need to be is in tune with ourself.
Talking to my brothers and male friends they seem to feel that a confident woman is very attractive.
Good post.
I always wonder where the woman that say, "there are no good men out there"...are hanging out. Or what in their personality draws certain type of men...
That's not downing any one woman or group of women...but I know in my years...in my grown and mature years...I haven't ran into too many men that weren't cool, men I could recommend to other women.
Maybe because I do what I like to do, I am fairly vocal about what pleases me and what doesn't, and I am aware of what my body likes...a pretty face and a big dick isn't gonna make me stay in anything that is half-assed...unless my reasons for staying are no longer about companionship but more about a means to an end.
Good post but in the end...#2 & #8 are the key.
@ Mika
Great points! I agree with you. My sons will learn how to treat a woman by the example that I set with my wife. If I slap her and cuss her out, then they'll think that its ok to do that.
@ The F$%K it List
Anutha great point. As men, we have to take an ACTIVE part in out childs life. We have dropped the ball in that department
@ Queen
Take one and pass the other 2 off to your friends. LOL. Just kiddin. Pray. Pray. Pray. That's about all that I can tell you. But its a good problem to have.
@ Jaded NYer
At least YOU know that YOU need improvement. Knowing is half the battle.
@ e
I know its hard for you single bruthas. But it'll get better.
@ Poca
lol @ u
No Maury ova here. haaaa
@ Tabu
Thanks. I think it's much easier to find a man once you've found yourself.
@ Blah Blah Blah
"a pretty face and a big dick isn't gonna make me stay in anything that is half-assed.."
I wish that more women felt this way. Honestly, this is all that some men have to offer. Good post!
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