Monday, March 31, 2008
Can't Win for Losing
Love, your happiness don't begin wit a man
Strong woman, why should you depend on a man
I understand you want a man that's resourceful
If he pay your bills, he feel like he bought you
Talkin to a friend, about what love is
Her man didn't love her, cuz he didn't love his
Hugged her from afar, said what I felt
You never find a man, till you find yourself
Time helps mistakes, you can learn from
Cuz one man fucked up men you shouldn't turn from
You want a certain type of guy, gotta reach a certain point too
At the destination, a king will annoint you
Goin through the storm, many bodies stay warm
That relationship died, for you to be born, you worth more
Than anything you could cop in a store
For you to grow he had to go so what you stoppin him for
Not even I could ignore bein alone it's hard
Find heaven in yourself and God
Common- "Ghetto Heaven"
I've always liked this verse. Common talks about a sistas struggle to find a man and also find herself in the process. I've thought about this song alot over the last week. I can think of at least 7 different conversations that I've had with some
sistas, all of whom are single and looking for a man. On the surface, these women have everything that you would want in a woman; beauty, intelligence, educated, independent, driven, caring, and committed. But they are struggling to find a good
brutha. They are looking for a brutha who comes without the DRAMA. Yes, some men have some issues (lol) but today I'd like to focus on the women. I'm not speaking of these 7 women but just women in general. What are women doing right and what they are doing wrong to find these men.
There are far more females that read this blog than there are men. Its not my intent to put the men on trial (that blog is coming) but I want to look solely at the sistas. I am concerned. I'm not here to bash. I love my sistas. I just have to call it like I see it. Hopefully, I won't step on any toes in the process. If I step on your toes...then say ouch!!!!
Here are some of the problems that I am seeing...
1. Some women are just too damn picky... I've heard women say that a man has to be __ in height and ___ in weight. His
skin has to be this light or that dark.
Hellooooo. Sistas outnumber us. So, if you want to break your man into a specific category, then you've dwindled your list. I understand that you have to like what you see. But damn...you can't too picky. If so, you'll miss that man that you're looking for b/c he didn't fit in your "box".
2. Many women don't know what they really want from a man.
If you don't know what you want from a man, then how will you know if he has what you're looking for or not? For example, if you believe in making a man wait on sex, then make him wait. Express that to him upfront. He may not like it but he'll respect you for keeping it real with him. Don't say that you want to wait and then give it up at the drop of a dime. That's a mixed message.
3. Some women don't know what a good man looks like.
If you didn't grow up in a household with a good man, then you may have a hard time knowing what a good man looks like. Keep in mind that good men come in all shapes, sizes, and hues. Remember the big dude in Waiting to Exhale (can't remember his name).
4. Where are you looking for a man?
I always joke that you can find a good man in a bookstore. That may or may not be true. I'm a cerebral type cat. I'm a thinker so I'm attracted to women who will challenge me mentally. You know...the type that will give mental orgasms. But that's just me. I think you will have a better chance of finding a man that is closer to your liking if you go somewhere that YOU like to go. If you like clubs, then you'll meet a man at a club. If you like church, then you'll meet him at church. But you HAVE to get out to meet a man. The only man that you'll meet at your house is the mailman and the milkman. LOL
5. Do not settle
This is easier said than done. I talked to my "big sis" who I met when we were in high school. She's got 2 degrees, her own home, no kids, and she's a dimepiece. But she hasn't been on a DATE in a months. She said at one point she had to settle just to get a man. The problem was that she lowered her standards...and settled for a married man. Huh? A married man? Their relationship went on for 2 yrs before she got out of it. That was a lose-lose situation for her. She knew it but chose to settle for something that she knew wasn't good for her. And she had nothing to show for it when the dust settled.
Suggestions for you...
6. Hang on
If you find a good brutha, hang on to him
7. Beware of the Dog
Dogs. Playas. Pimps. Whatever you call em. You SHOULD be able to spot em from a mile away. I don't know the difference between a coral snake and a garter snake...but I know a snake when I see one.
8. Game Plan
You must have a game plan for how you will handle a man. I don't mean that you should run game on him. Even if you could. You should have a plan for what you want from a man. More importantly, you should be able to eloquently present that to him.
9. Know Your Competition
You should know that there is other competition out there for your man. If you want to make him wait for sex, you must understand that your competition won't make him wait. You have no control over that. You need to let a man that you are different from the freaks, tramps, skeezers and skallywags that he deals with on a day-to-day basis.
10. Be Aggressive
Contrary to popular belief, men like women who are aggressive and assertive. You can be both and not be considered a freak or a tramp.
Am I off base with these thoughts? Are sistas doing what they need to be doing? Are some too independent and too stubborn to follow any of this?
Keep in mind that I am not a relationship psychologist...I just play one on tv