What about your friends
Will they stand their ground
Will they let you down again
What about your friends are they gonna be low down
Will they ever be around
Or will they turn their backs on you
TLC (What About Your Friends)
Best friends forever. That's what they would say to each other before departing from one another. They have been friends since 3rd grade. These two girls, Rena and Vicky, had a lot in common. First, their parents were best friends from high school. Rena's mom and Vicky's mom were pregnant at the same time. In fact, they had the same due date. Rena was born 3 days before Vicky. Oddly enough, Rena was born at 8:05 am and Vicky was born at 8:05 pm. In high school, Rena and Vicky did everything together. The sang on the church choir, played in the band, and volunteered at the homeless shelter together. They chased boys together and double dated quite often. To say that they were sisters would be an understatement. They both were the only child to their parents but they treated each other as if they were sisters.
After high school, they both planned to leave their hometown, Lumberton, NC and attend college. Vicky earned a track scholarship to Johnson C Smith Univ in Charlotte and Rena received an academic scholarship to Univ of North Carolina. Despite the distance, the 2 best friends stayed in touch. They visited each other regularly. They both graduated in 4 years and they attended each other's graduation. During their senior year of college, Rena fell in love with an attorney whom she had met in Durham. They dated for 3 years before they were married. Vicky, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky with men. Like Rena, Vicky was very attractive but never seemed to keep a man beyond 4 months. She'd meet a guy, date him for a few weeks, sleep with him, and then she'd loose interest. That was...until she met Tron. Tron was a waiter by day but musician by night. Tron swept her off her feet. Tron was charming. And she fell for him. They dated for 6 months before she had a chance to introduce him to Rena.
To Vicky, Rena was gonna have to give her "approval" of Tron. It wasn't that she needed it. She had already moved in with Tron. After she moved in, he stopped waiting tables and he focused on music. Rena wasn't happy that she had moved in with Tron and that he was "sponging off her". But this was her best friend. She knew that Vicky would be ok. Or would she?
When Rena met Tron, she did NOT like him at all. Too much of a player...that's what she thought. She didn't think that he was good enough for Vicky. And she told Vicky what she thought. Well, Tron didn't care for Rena either and he let it be known to Vicky. He immediately drew a line in the sand. He advised her that if they were going to be together that she couldn't be friends with Rena because she was a "bitch and a trouble maker". He came to this conclusion after being around Rena on 3 separate occasions. He didn't like her. He didn't want her "bad ways" to rub off on Vicky. This caused a huge problem for Vicky b/c she knew that Tron was on the verge of proposing to her. So, she had to make a choice...she could side with her best friend and let this man go...or she could take the man that she loved and kick her best friend to the curb. She opted for the latter.
She slowly cut her ties to Rena. Rena didn't understand it but she was determined to let Vicky see who Tron really was. A few months passed and Rena didn't hear from Vicky. One day, Rena rec'd a phone call from a mutual friend to let her know that Vicky and Tron were married. Married?? And Rena wasn't even invited. That was a low blow to Rena. Vicky was in Rena's wedding when she married Raynard. How could she get married and not even invite her?
Two years passed since the last time that they spoke. Rena had made a few attempts to call Vicky but all of her information had changed. Rena was worried about her. She had heard that Tron was not only sleeping around on Vicky but he had fathered 2 kids from 2 different women. She heard that Vicky was in denial about everything. They had no kids together. One day, Rena's cell phone rang from a private number. She decided not to answer it. She figured that if the call was important, then the person would leave a message. And they did. When Rena listened to the message, she quickly realized that it was Vicky. She hadn't heard from Vicky in 2 years but she decided to call. The message said...
"Hey girl. It's me...Vicky. I know that it's been a minute. I just wanted to call and let you know that you were right about Tron. We're getting a divorce. He got 2 women pregnant. He cheated on me the whole time that we were married. I heard the rumors but I didn't want to believe them. The last straw was when I confronted him about one of the baby mommas...(voice trailing off) and he slapped me. That did it. Well, I need to talk to you. I miss my best friend. I need you. Call me, girl. Take care. Bye."
What should Rena do? Should she forgive her? Can she go back to being close like they used to be?
What would you have done if you were Vicky...would you have kicked your friend to the curb for your man?
hollatchaboi!!!
35 comments:
Heyyyyyy, FIRST...back on top!lol!
Yes, she should talk with her friend, this friend is/was like family to her, marriages shouldn't change that, who you date shouldn't, but for some reason, alot of women let this happen. I remember one of my best friends kicked myself and another friend to the curb when we spoke her about her cheating man, she didn't want to believe, and he convinced her that we were just trying to break them up...well later down the line he eventually showed his azz and she came back to us.
No, i don't think you should have to give up your friends or family for your spouse or boyfriend. Everybody may not like everybody, but they should at least show some respect and don't cross lines. He was manipulating from the start...the first signs of an abuser is isolation from family and friends.
Good post.
Baby, the bible says ain't nothing new under the sun! This has been going on forever. Matterfact, my 1st late husband didn't like my best friend Ms. Mabel. He tried to pull that same stuff on me, but I wasn't having it. My grandmama always told me don't ever let a man pull you away from your loved ones and if he tries, let the black skillet do your talking! I've learned the black skillet will end a whole lot of fights. Knock that fool plum out for the nite. Hell if you hit him hard enough most times he don't even rememba what yall was fussing bout. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
I'm not the type to ditch a friend for a dude; they'd have to find a way to get along, or he'd have to step, seriously, because if he loved me he wouldn't give me an ultimatum.
If I was the ditched friend, I'd call her back, but it wouldn't be the same between us (this has happened to me before) for a while. I'd need time to get over being dumped like that.
@ Miz
Back at the top!! LOL
Good points. I think that everybody has to at least make an attempt to get along. You're right, he wanted to isolate her and he did. I suspect that this wasn't the first time that he went "upside her head"
@ The Pew View
Black skillet? LOL
@ Jaded NYer
If you accepted her back, would things ever be the same between the two of you? What if she never apologized?
If this was my life long friend I'd definitely accept her back into my life. We would have to get down and dirty with some real talk and lessons learned, but I'd forgive her and continue to love her like a sistah.
It's sad, but a lot of females pull the disappearing act when they get a man. I feel like a real man of GOD won't try to isolate you from your loved ones regardless if they like the person or not.
She should and will forgive her best friend. That is what you do when you love someone. This happened to me. Best friend of 10 years met a guy online, got engaged within 30 days of that first IM. I never met him, and I always supported her and kept my thoughts to myself.
Well two months after meeting this guy online, they were married. I wasn't invited to the wedding. I received an email the day before explaining that God sent this man to be with her and she wants to live God's life with this man. So she had to let go of her old friends in order to please God and her new husband.
I was hurt, crying and bewildered and it took a year for me to even be able to think about the loss of that friendship without tearing up.
I never spoke to her again. I don't know how she is doing or how he is treating her since she changed jobs and moved out of her house. But if she were to knock on my door right now I know in my heart I would be happy and would forgive her in an instant.
Yes, she should forgive her friend. It will be hard, but relationships come and go but true friendship lasts through it all. If they were life long friends they shoudl be able to eventually get past it.
Everyone makes mistakes and make choices based on the here and now. Sometimes we just don't make the best choices but hopefully your friends are there for you when your choices go wrong.
@kyle- I would accept her back, but things would definitely be strained for a while. And what do you mean she didn't apologize? She'd BETTER apologize!!! LOL
I must admit that I did that when I was younger and it pushed some very close friends away!
People grow up so maybe she should give her friend a second chance! Ole girl was foolish for her actions and hopefully it will not happen again!
They have been friends from childhood friends since forever! She should definitely forgive her friend
You know what... since you wanted to use Johnson C Smith in ya little story and not North Carolina A&T the best damn HBCU ever... I aint saying what I would do or answer ya whack lil questions...lol
We have a mutual friend that is JUST like that! Disappears at the drop of a manly scent... She knows the type of man she usually falls for are N..O.. G..O..O..D.. for her but she seeks male companionship. She oftens tells us that when it really comes down to the wire, if the rest of us REALLY don't approve, she never jump the broom with the guy...
Soooo... we have learned and accepted to let life teach it's lessons. She can always count on us to bring the box of tissue, the gallon of ice cream and Waiting To Exhale and Color Purple movies!
Wow...anytime someone forces you to choose between family (and that's what these girls were), they are not someone you need in your life.
Unfortunately women make stupid choices like this all the time. I have had more than a few 'friends' choose the loser and cut off our friendship. Then when it doesn't work...they want to talk again...need a shoulder to cry on...yadda yadda.
It gets tiring.
In THIS instance...Vicky and Rena should definitely mend their friendship, but in reality...for me...it would really depend on the history of our friendship.
I think Rena should forgive her, but sadly I don't think the relationship will ever be the same. I guess my response stems from experience.
Nice one
@ Keisha the Kitten
You're right. A man of God wouldn't do that. It appears that Tron wasn't that type of guy. His mission was to isolate and control her. She helped by cutting Rena off.
@ prettyparker
Wow! That's pretty deep, Parker. That marriage sounded like it happened wayyyy too fast. I commend you for being there for her. Have you ever tried one of those search engines to find your friend. Thanks for sharing your story.
@ Kay C, The Quiet Storm
Welcome to the 12th Planet. Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here everyday like the school bully.
"Sometimes we just don't make the best choices but hopefully your friends are there for you when your choices go wrong." That is sooooo true!!!
@ Jaded NYer
That's the thing. She never apologized. I would be expecting an apology, too. But she never offered an apology to Rena
@ DreamCop08
Did you ever regain those friends that you pushed away?
@ Eb the Celeb
North Carolina A&T??? Neva heard of it. What does A&T stand for? Lemme guess...Awful and Terrible. lmao!!!!
@ 12kyle fan
You're a good friend. Some people wouldn't be that kind. Especially if she leaves at the drop of a dime.
@ OD
Would you want to throw away a friend if you were as close as these 2 are/were?
@ Queen
Did you decide to forgive and forget or just to forgive? How close are you to that person right now?
oh wait- this heifer ain't said sorry? that's a lil different... I'd demand an apology- straight out. I've done it before!
One of the few trinkets I kept from Christianity before I left:
"ask and it shall be given unto you"
If she wasn't honestly sorry for ditching me, then obviously I valued the friendship more than her and we no longer need to be tight. Tis all.
If I'm Rena, me and my long lost friend are having a LONG talk about relationships. And not romantic ones. But the lifelong relationship that you only build with 2 or 3 people. Somewhere along the line Vicky forgot how hard it is to come by a lifelong friend.
@ Jaded NYer
This story is based on a real life scenario. To my knowledge, Vicky has just "assumed" that everything is cool and will be like how it used to be. There was NO APOLOGY given.
@ Brad
Mannnnnn, you aint neva lied. It's hard to find a lifetime friend. They don't grow on trees! Good point, bruh.
Now I only email her a few times a year to check on her and the kids. I guess I was hurt and felt betrayed, and once I get like that I will forgive, forget, and unfortunately keep it moving without you. I say it's her loss because I am a damn good friend and very selective in who I choose to give my love and friendship to because I love hard and would do almost anything for one I love.
You are pretty good with these stories 12Kyle.
Well, This situation is nothing new for me. I have friends now who are married with children and have drifted away. I think they should talk and try to mend fences.
Thanks for hitting up the blog.
Great Topic!
12Kyle, if my friend had just drifted away I wouldn't have been nearly as upset by it and I probably would try to look her up online.
She planned my birthday dinner and all of our friends were there. 3 weeks later I got an email terminating our friendship. Email. Not phone or face-to-face.
She said she found God and he sent her this man to be her husband. She felt the only way to live for God and honor her new husband was to end all friendships (I wasn't the only one she did this too).
I haven't spoken to her in a year but I have accepted it and I have forgiven her.
@ Queen
Wow. That HAS to hurt. You sound like most of us. My closest friends will tell you that i am extremely loyal. If the loyalty is ever broken, it can't go back to being like how it used to be.
@ LRenee
Thanks! These stories are something that I'm "experimenting" with. I'm no Miz but I try. LOL
No problem. You know I'ma check you out.
@ prettyparker
WOW!!! Not to sound like Rev. Kyle buuuut...i'm not sure what God she's serving. I always thought that you'd want to surround yourself with those who are close to you...not shun them. That's really sad. The fact that you have forgiven her says a lot about you.
Ive been in Vicky shoes before. sometimes we dont choose the man, they choose us and things get um, carried away. nevermind. too much going on to explain, but ive never been married, but ive been the vicky to someones rena. not to that extent, but i was forgiven and so i would say yes.
I would probably not talk to her because she stopped talking to me. I may consider it, but we'd never be close like we were.
I would never dump my friends for some guy. Good post, Kyle. :*)
Homies over Ho's
-- Gangstalicious
Went through something similar a year ago.
Would I still be there for my friend? Probably
Would it get back to being the same. It's possible. I'm not one for holding grudges, but I would be guarded and they would never get my opinion regarding a relationship again.
@ MsP
Ahhhhhh...we finally found a Vicky. Were you aware that you had pushed your friends to the side?
@ Demon Hunter
I hear you. It would be extremely difficult to keep the lonse of communication open.
@ Rich
Whutchuknowbout Gangstalicious, man??? The Boondocks are the illest!
I feel you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with being guarded in that situation. You have every right to be.
I would most def take my friend/sister back, I would be there for her without a doubt, when I felt like her heart ache and pain was over I would tell her about herself for sure.
Vicky was wrong for kicking her friend to the curb. She knew she wasn't right when she put her man over her friendship. However, it does take a lot of balls to call a friend after doing such harsh deeds.
Rena, with all her love in her heart, can forgive and not forget what her friend has done. Why not be there for someone who is in need? It isn't like she is asking for money.
We all make mistakes. It takes a bigger person to see above that. I think Rena can be that big person and be there for her BFF.
I've actually gone through this almost EXACTLY!! I've let the friend go who chose her husband over me (why some women can't juggle both I have no idea...). That Bama told her I tried to hit on him & she believed him! Yuck - that FOOL wore purple suits - what da Hayl I want wit a clown like that?! She did call me years later & I DID hear her out -- but then realized that we'd grown apart & she just wants someone to bitch & moan to - about her abusive husband - without making any positive changes in her life. I can't complain or listen to complaints w/o seeking solutions & I can't be around such energy drainers...
gotta get that approval
You know KD... Yu have to let your friend back into your life. it's because at times we get confused and frustrated with a bum.. i truely believe we know if we are dating a bum but we try to prove people wrong. After the scales are removed from your eyes and we see people for who they really are then we began to make sound choices.
OO by the way love the line about A&T.. Awful & Terrible still LOL on the floor after that.
I would forgive her and console her in her time of need. I would understand that people slip sometimes and stuff like this can happen with friends. I guess she needed to live and learn the hard way. I would honestly help her out no matter how mad I am at her. I would also let her no that and see where we can start
Yes she should talk to her friend, because no matter what happen they have history and that person is in need. As far as forgiving her that should take time.
I have a friend that did this same thing and when she needed me she called at 4am (knowing that I make it a practice to answer the phone in case of emergency). We talked and she told me everything and I offered the same advise I had before we stopped speaking. Long story short, she and I are not friends AGAIN because she revisits the same stupid situation with different guys and I just couldn't do it anymore.
**Random**
I'd be hurt, but I'm not sure I'd be able to blame her for picking her husband over her friend-- no matter how long we had been friends. In my view where she went wrong was choosing the wrong guy to hold that place. IF he convinced her that her friendship with Rena was detrimental to their marriage-- then yeah, I think she was right to cut ties with her. Her marriage and her husband should come before any other relationship under the sun, be it her bestfriend of 20 years or her mother. If they are attempting to sabotage that relationship they need to be let go or at least kept at a distance. Where she went wrong was giving that commitment, that loyalty-- to the wrong man.
-Dil
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