Thursday, August 14, 2008

25 to life

Marriage. Most of us who don't have it...would like to see it one day. Some want to be married tomorrow. LOL. Marriage is a lotta hard work. Prior to marriage, one must have effective communication about their goals and ambitions about marriage. The good folks at WebMd sent me this article and i thought i'd pass it along.

Before you walk down the aisle, ask the questions that really matter. Dr. Robin Smith shares 25 questions from her book, Lies at the Altar

Work Questions

1. Are you working in your chosen profession?

2. How many hours a week do you work?

3. What is your dream job?

4.What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?

5. What does your job entail? (For example: Do you often travel for business, work at home or perform dangerous tasks?)

Money Questions

6. What is your annual income?

7. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts?

8. Do you have significant debts?

9. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?

10. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

Sex Questions

11. What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific!

12.Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?

13.What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?

14. How often do you need or expect sex?

15. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?

Parenthood Questions

16. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?

17. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?

18. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?

19. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?

20. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

Religion Questions

21. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?

22. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?

23. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?

24. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?

25. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?

i think that these questions are relevant...even if you're married b/c you have to stay on the same page.

these are great questions to have for someone that you're dating or on a date with.

your thoughts??? how do you think your man/woman would answer some of these questions?



The Dreamy One said...

1st!!! Aint been first in a long while. Ha i feel special!!!

The Dreamy One said...

i think that those are good questions to ask

i was having a conversation with this guy and he said that these are the types of questions that he would like to know.

and those are things that should be asked, that woman or men dont ask. they wait until the honeymoon faze is over,lol

i like this Kylee Kyle, Ill have to write this down for my next potential mate!!

dejanae said...

very good questions
sadly a lot of folk getting married without even knowing what the other partner wants out of life

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

I'll be printing those questions out for future reference...thank you very much!

My friend once gave me some questions to ask this dude I was dating and it certainly helped to do so....I found out that he was older than he said he was, denying some of his children (cause women might not like that he had 5 kids), that he was a big liar, and that I needed to cut off communication with him ASAP.....

Ask now.....or....Regret later

Darius T. Williams said...

Ahh - I think this are great questions to ask. How do I feel about them? Well, i think they're definitely real and relevant. I'm not looking for marriage in the traditional sense, but I can certainly understand how avoiding these questions can make for some sticky situations later.

Mizrepresent said...

Those are great questions, and should be answered by both parties prior to marriage. In fact, when you are not on the same page, it's those questions that will later on can cause some strife in your relationship.

Eb the Celeb said...

OK so most of these questions should be answered long before you even thinking about getting engaged to that person but that's just me... maybe I'm nosy like that

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I really agree with Dr. Smith's list of questions. I actually I have her book, "Lies at the Altar." I think every couple should read it. :-)

12kyle said...

@ dreamy's been a minute! lol. good to be 1st again

i think these questions are relevant when you're getting to know somebody

@ dejanae
you are correct. that's one of the reasons that the divorce rate is so high

@ keisha the kitten
5 kids??? wow! was he tryna start a bball team?? lol

i agree. it's always good to ask questions

@ darius
i know that you aren't looking for the traditional marriage. are you looking for just like a long time companion?

@ miz
you are dead on point. i think we all should wanna know as much as we can about our mates

@ eb the celeb
that's not being nosey. that's being smart

but are nosey. lmao

@ bgg
i think i'm gonna get this book.

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

good questions...but i hope there are some about family (in-laws) because they can pop up like weeds of life reading to strangle all of the beautiful marriage flowers, so that should be handled properly...

The F$%K it List said...

There are important questions to ask and keep asking. Just because you get married doesnt mean your goals snd views don't change.

Perfect example I never wanted kids.... he always did. We agreed to disagree. But after a while (and he never really bought it up) I changed my mind. When I found out I was pregnant is when he finally told me again that he always thought we would be awesome parents and that he always wanted us to have a child.

Rich said...

In my opinion, if you are truly dating and not just getting between the sheets you will know all of this because it will come up in the course of getting to know one another. All these questions will be answered over the course of time, which in most respects is what keeps the relationship moving forward because you realize that this person shares a similar outlook to yours on issues that really matter.

Keith said...

I have often wondered when I've heard that someone's marriage or
relationship has ended or soured just what did the two people talk about when they were "courting"?

It seems people talk about everything but the important things that you brought up in your post...Then one day they wake up and they're "surprised"

Nobody should exchange rings, say vows in front of people, have a ceremony that they are still paying for months afterwords and be
"surprised" but it happens all the time.

i.can't.complain. said...

if i ever get close to marriage(again)

my questions will be

1. how bad is your credit

2. how many crazy babymama's do u have

3. which one might i have to cut

4. can u cook and do u enjoy doing so?

5. do u spend more than 3 hrs a week playing video games?

6. what is your definition of "me-time"

7. do you love me

plus all the questions u posted.


PBW said...

Great questions!

Amen to PCD's comments on in-laws. Keep them (and your family too) out of your business!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

I have to agree with Rich on most of these items should come up while you are dating. But let's get many people actually date in this day and age?

We all say we want XYZ but are we willing to put in the work (or restraint) to get it? Most of us are not, but complain when the ish hits the fan.

I would fall into the category that Keith asked about. Yes, I was courted and found out the answers to my questions. But people say they want XYZ and when they get it, they aren't so sure they want it anymore. Such was my case.

People will show you who they are, it is up to you to believe them.

Kandi Black said...

Those seem like some pretty thorough questions to ask...i like -1-'s list too...especially the number of baby mama's cuz niggas round my way be racking em up...i aint tryna play step mama to the cheaper by the dozen clan

ShellyShell said...

These are great questions but I think in the courting process you would get the majority of the answers. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR INLAWS! On my way to the aisle I had to deal with that. But shyt didn't work out for he and I but I'm still cool with the mama! LOL! But it was a lonnnnnnng road to cooldom!

Anonymous said...

I think the most important thing in a relationship is Honesty. Show me who you really are not who you think I want to you to be. If you are a lazy, trifling SOB. Let me find that out in the beginning. When you hide your true self, the real you is not the person I fell in-love with. It is not fair for me to commit the rest of my life to someone that I wasn't given the opportunity to really know. If you are truly committed in a relationship then you are suppose to love that person like God loves the church. Now..that is some serious loving. If you expect me to be everything you need then why should I expect anything less from you. Show me that you want to fight for us. Step up!

Ceecee said...

Marriage is like a bank account.
You deposit good things you accrue good things. If you keep depleting without adding anything to it is overdrawn. Eventually just like any good bank your account is CLOSED! Marriage is not one-sided.
It takes two people to nurture it.
If you add kids to the really have to work overtime. It is not going to run itself. If you rely on your mate too much to hold the marriage down while you sit around and do nothing. Then the mate will become resentful and abandoned. Eventually, they might decide since they are doing it all on their own anyway..Why the hell do they need you? Change your attitude,communicate with your mate. It just might save your marriage from becoming a statistic.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Its funny, yet true.

I wouldn't mind being asked these questions, and I would hope he would answer them as well. Before you go into any situation, you should know what you're getting into...the good as well as the bad.

One topic that I think couples should start taking seriously is health, especially mental health. A lot of different health defects are biological and passed down, and people need to look into that. People should get to know the psychological history/actions that have taken place in their partner's family before they start creating a new generation.

B said...

LOL @ I Can't Complain's questions:

1. how bad is your credit

2. how many crazy babymama's do u have

I co-sign on those. Seriously. I think these questions are absolutely necessary to ask. Forget asking. Next time I meet a potential I'm going to just print these out and have them write in answers. Any Discrepancies get the DENIED stamp.

Sexxy Luv said...

I don't have a man! I don't wanna talk about relationships, marriage or any of that other stuff! it just makes me think of SEX!!!!!! lol

(i know i need to get it together)

12kyle said...

I totally feel you. I used to call my in-laws...the out-laws. LOL. Sometimes they can really cause problems. My in-laws are cool, tho

@ ‪The F$%K it List‬
Really? You're such a caring mother. I thought that you always wanted to be a mommy. Are y'all done? Is there room for a lil girl?

@ Rich
Good points! I think that these are the questions that help you with your attraction to the other person

@ Keith
Aw man! You took me back with the word courting. I haven't heard that in years. But i heard it a lot when i was growing up.

nothing worse than waking up "surprised"

@ -1-
great questions, sis. now...i do have an issue with #5. lmao!!! what if he says yes????

That is very true. Sometimes your spouse/mate may do something and you will forgive them...but your family won't.

@ Kay C, The Quiet Storm
"People will show you who they are, it is up to you to believe them. AMEN!!! Sometimes the writing is on the wall but we choose to ignore it

12kyle said...

@ kandi black
I agree. You gotta factor in the baby mamas nowadays.

@ shellyshell
LMAO @ long road to cooldom!!! I hope the in-laws weren't the reason that it didn't work.

@ anonymous
I would hope that it wouldn't take long for you to realize that you're dealing with a sorry SOB

@ ceecee
Welcome to the 12th Planet. Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here every day like the school bully

excellent points!!! i totally agree. love the bank account analogy

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
Fa sho!!! Mental health is very important. We don't seem to think on those lines alot but we should.

@ B
I think you should really do that. A man who has nuffin to hide will answer them honestly. If he's running game, you'll know.

@ Sexxy Luv
Get it!!! LMAO!!!!

betta call -Q.


dessex said...

I guess I will be the only one to answer all of the questions. This post got me thinking....

Work Questions

1. Right now I’m shelving books at borders

2. 40

3. Marketing

4.I’m not sure yet

5. Putting books on a shelf
Money Questions

6. Too damn low

7. Yes….HELL YES

8. Sallie Mae

9. It would be a good thing

10. yes and no….I want to make sure that I’m happy
Sex Questions

11. I love sex…and I’m a man so I love head lol…

12.Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? Yes…women need their fix just like men.

13.Just a sexy woman….Maxwell will help too

14. at least 3 to 4 times in a week if I’m in a committed relationship. Like now

15. I think so

Parenthood Questions

16. I want kids maybe two, when I can afford it to take care of child…that’s when I will have one.

17. Yes…I can see what it has done for me.

18. not that important personally.

19. Whoop a kid’s ass….if need be. That timeout shit don’t work.

20. I think there is naturally a double standard. I would want my kids to be safe about sex.

Religion Questions

21. Yes I do.

22. I go to a church that is Non denominational. I believe in the God and his Son.

23. Nope me and my woman go to the same church .

24. very important… a couple that prays together stays together.

25. extremely vital.

Tha L said...

if a muthafucka i was on a date with started asking me these questions, i'd get up and run for the door. but, these are good questions for after the situation starts getting more serious, and definitely before you tie the knot.

~Ms. Moore~ said...

All of these questions are very good. And 2 people getting married should know how their mate feels about each. The only problem I see in this scenario is that people grow and their ideals change. I guess if couples grow apart in different directions that's when seperation and/or divorce happens. How does a couple handle staying together and being committed to each other) when they grow apart?

L. Renee' said...

These are all very good questions.
You need to ask these questions inorder to get pass the surface and really get to know the core of the person you think is the "ONE".
Marriage is what you make it. It's a lifetime investment.

Ms. Jones said...

I think that those are excellent questions to ask BEFORE marriage especially because why waste time going through a divorce if it can be avoided...the answer to most of those questions could be deal breakers for the masses! My fav are the financial and religious ones...very important details that some overlook because they are so in love lol

PrettyBlack said...

Those are the types of questions that shouldn't be imposed on someone, but moreso figured out over time. They are relevant but these are all things you should know before getting engaged...hell before getting to serious.

ShellyShell said...

The inlaw(mama)wasn't the reason we didn't make it down the aisle. At the end of the day we were fundamentally different! He really wanted five kids and I wanted two and that was stretching! It caused strain amongst other things! He's a good dude though and anyone who gets him as a husband should be blessed that she met someone so wonderful.

The F$%K it List said...

No I never wanted kids. We talked about trying once and I just never committed to it. Now that CJ is here I realize that it was always in me to be a mom.

As for room for a girl, there's only room in this house for one Queen. hahah. The Mr. wants a girl though so I'll just say its open for discussion.

i.can't.complain. said...

an addiction to video games is a no-go for me

i just cant


12kyle said...

@ dessex
good work bruh

i can't lie. your response to # 19 made me think of Bernie Mac

@ L
LMAO @ u!!! U r soooo crazy!!!

@ Ms Moore
Good points. You gotta be committed to stay committed

@ LRenee
heyyyyyyyyy!!!!! you are sooo right. it is what you make it. btw...i'm stealing one of your old posts for tomorrow's blog. heehehe

@ Ms Jones
I think the financial aspect is very key. You are correct.

@ PrettyBlack
AMEN!! Nuff said

@ ShellyShell
SMH @ 5 kids. This is 2008 not 1968! LMAO!!!

@ The F$%K it List
Go head and have a girl. Complete the set

@ -1-
3 hrs is not an's a small habit. lol.

laughing808 said...

I actually don't know how he would respond.......but I'm gonna annoy him and ask him these questions over the weekend.......LOL