Wednesday, January 14, 2009

lemmetalk2yuh

com⋅mu⋅ni⋅ca⋅tion

[kuh-myoo-ni-key-shuhn]

1. the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

2. the act or process of communicating; fact of being communicated.

3. something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted.

4. a document or message imparting news, views, information, etc.


We're bad when it comes to communicating. We really are. When I say we...I mean...you and me. Men and women. Just bad. And we have to do a better job. Period. I was thinking about this after co-hosting on Jaded NYer's show on blog talk radio on Monday Night. We had a spirited conversation about some of the many differences between men and women. One of the things that was quite evident is that there is a breakdown in communication as to how members of the opposite sex relate to each other. Communication is a two way street. Let's remember the definition...the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

For example, I asked Jaded NYer, Eb the Celeb, Smarty Jones, and The F$%k It List if they would ever approach a man who they found attractive. They all said no. I can respect that b/c there are some real weirdos out there. However, I contend that if you're not willing to approach a man and if you are defensive/stand off-ish when a man approaches you...you've broken the lines communication before anything could have been established. And yes...I understand that some men DON'T know how to approach women correctly. I think we need to do a better job of doing that and understanding that you can't approach every woman the same way. But men do like to be approached! If you don't believe me...ask any male blogger...Eclectik, Rich, Keith, Torrance, Charles, Dessex, 3rd Deadline, Cnlmike, Rashan Jamal, Super Dave Van Buren, Darius Williams, Stew, Swag, Verbal Arteest, Second 68 (that's all the male bloggers who I know b/c it's only like 20 of us...lol). Or you can ask any man. He'll tell you

Also, I think we don't do a great job of communicating after the APPROACH has been established. For example, ladies...if you're not feeling a guy...don't give him your number! I'm always amazed at how some women who I know will complain about how some dude is blowin' their phone up. Helllooooooo, you gave him the number!!! Giving your phone number is a YES. For men, we're looking a series of confirmations (YES STATEMENTS) that will help us get closer to you.

Can I have your number?...YES

Can I call you sometime?...YES

Do you have a man (she answers no)?...YES

Do you want a man?...YES

Can we go out on a date?...YES

If the scenario plays out like this, then the female may view this totally different than a man would. In a man's mind, if he can get this from you...he's at 3rd base already! I think that's where some lines of communication are broken. These are just 2 examples. I think whether we're in a committed relationship, or marriage we have to be mindful about what we say as well as how it is being interpreted. Say what you mean...mean what you say.

Keep in mind that I'm not a relationship doctor...i just play one on tv.

35 comments:

The Jaded NYer said...

MAAAAAAN, it was Jerry Springer, The View and WWF up in there Monday night!! lol

but I hear you bruh on the whole approaching guys thing, just, as "independent" or whatever that I am, I honestly don't believe it's my ROLE or PLACE to approach a man. However progressive and modern as I might speak or appear, I'm pretty traditional because that's how I was raised.

Dude needs to approach me because no matter how GORGEOUS I may think he is, I don't NEED him and will continue on with my life whether or not we speak and not miss a beat.

But if he approaches ME (correctly, mind you) then, hey, maybe we can grab a coffee one afternoon when my girls are with their dad.

But that's just my twisted logic... don't mind me- I'm the HAPPILY SINGLE GAL!!

I appreciate you coming on the show and I cannot WAIT for Part Two!!

Angel said...

I like to be approached and I always remain polite even when its an idiot (like the guy I told you about the other day)

I also approach (when I'm single) and have done it many times. However most times the guys think that I just want sex as I have come over to them its sad.

Angels words of wisdom

Ladies, The worst thing you can do if you are single is to pre judge be all screw face and disrespectful when a guy comes over otherwise you are going to remain single for a LONG time. We have to realise that for some men it’s a big deal to pluck up the courage to come over in the first place, lets not give them too much of a hard time otherwise like Kyle is saying it breaks the communication before its even started.

Men, the worst thing you can do if you approach is to not speak clearly, grab a woman's arm, comment on any part of her anatomy within the first conversation, ask for her number before you asked for her name. You have to realise that we have already mentally summed you up within the first five seconds so its time to prove us wrong. Behaving like that has already ruined any form of communication with us and we will probably end up…pre judging, being all screw face and direspectful…lol

goooooood girl said...

your blog is very fine......

Rich Fitzgerald said...

Im not a love doctor, I just play one on TV -- dude you are hilarious.

Men like being approached for sure, but I think a woman has to be careful how she does it or it will be like Angel says and turn into "she's really feeling me and I need to get with this now."

However, if she compliments what he's wearing or something like that, or just gives decent eye contact and a hello, that is enough to signal that she is open for the approach. Body language is huge. A woman doesn't have to come on strong or open her mouth, if she has the right body language a guy can tell if she is approachable or not.

Darius T. Williams said...

I love it!

We did have such a great conversation. I felt like I was on the phone giving advice to some of my hetero female friends who for some reason tend to lean on me for advice. Why? I don't even know.

But you're right man. AND it's clear - regardless of orientation men are men and the characteristics thereof don't change much.

Such an interesting world we live in.

AND you know them damn females want the attention and LOVE IT. That's what females do. Ha - ol' girl was saying she was just going out to the club to have a good time. THEN, wonders why she doesn't have a man. Are you serious?!?!

Eb the Celeb said...

First of all I didnt say NO. I said that he has to have a ridiculous amount of swag for me to approach him first.. Thank you very much.

And if I do give a man my number that I'm not interested in and he calls and calls and calls and leaves 8,000 messages in the first week and I dont return any of them, then a light bulb should go off like damn I guess she not interested and the calls should stop. A lot of women give out their number because they dont really think you will call because so many men dont. And then when you do we figure he should have sense to know I'm not interested if I dont return his call. But NO ya'll fools turn into a bugaboo.... ugh!

First and foremost... out and about at a first meeting a man should never ask a woman "does she want a man" that's just dumb and goes without saying. And if she answers with a simple yes without looking at him crazy for asking such a dumb question than something is wrong with her too.

And we already know you arent the relationship doctor...lol

B said...

I've approached guys before and told them that they were attractive. And then walked away. It's a great feeeling really. For them and for me.

But you right...communication is an area EVERYBODY needs to work on. Parents and their children. Men and women. Employees and employers. States and constituents. Don't even get me started.

The Dreamy One said...

i think that alot of women dont approach men they find attractive because of the rejection thing. this one dude told me that I need to go after what I want even if i do get rejected, that I might be missing out if I dont.

I dont give men my number that I aint feeling,lol. its out of the question

im feeling you on this Kylee Kyle

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Great post. I agree that communication can break or make you.

I will approach a guy if we have made eye contact a few times. I am not shy about introducing myself or sparking a conversation. But that confidence has only come in the past few years.

I have also told a man I thought he was beautiful just for the sake of doing so. It was a great feeling, wish more men would do that for me.

In my reecnt experiences, men don't realize there are a few steps inbetween "Hello, my name is" and "Can I have your number."

This is not a race to the finish line...

Darius T. Williams said...

See - I thought we were done with this. Eb comes here to try to clown my dude - NOT acceptable.

Eb - see, here's the problem.

Why would you even give the dude your number. Men are literal people. We don't have time to play mind readers. For us, it's simple - it's either a YES or NO. That's it.

If we ask for you number and you give it to us, then you've given us permission to continue. This means that you're just as interested (and AVAILABLE) as I am. This does not mean I'm going to give it to him, hope that he doesn't call, and if he does - then I'll ignore him.

That's game. Women always talk about they don't play games. To me it seems like that move resembles rolling 2 dice and seeing how many steps you can take.

You say a man should never out right ask a woman if she wants a man. Why not? I think there should be more tact involved, but why not get right down to it. Some single women are bored, lonely, and want the company of a brotha. If that's the case then when he asks, why play a GAME and say no or think that he's speaking out the side of his neck?

It's the 21st century. Men ask questions they want to know. Women need to give answers that they mean.

My two cents...But you know I love your ass to pieces, right?!?! LOL

Eb the Celeb said...

We are past the giving the number thing... most times I dont but sometimes ya'll are nice, I'm just not interested and dont want to hurt his heart to his face so I break it by not taking his calls. Yes I'm a tough girl but I can be nice sometimes. Now the ones that approach me all ignorant and ish, they never get the number at all... Fact of the matter is a big fat NO light bulb should pop on in your head if she never answers the phone or returns your messages... DUH!

and kyle you got porn stars that frequent your blog now...lol... I kid, I kid

yes tact was the point I was getting at. Men should initially say, yo I'm not looking for anything serious right now, I'm just having fun, or I am really looking to settle down right now and find the one and then the woman can chime in with what her intentions are... There is a way to say and do things and men usually choose the most assinine (sp) approach and wonder why they end up with chickens.


I dont even care about this mess anymore anyway because they have these machines now that with give it to you better than any man can and quite frankly that's all ya'll have been good for lately, and most cant even do that right... so when ya'll decide to get ya'll mind right... hopefully Obama will aid in this process not taking forever... Then you can holla at Eb when you see me in the street... OKAY!

Queen of My Castle said...

LOL @ I just play one on TV.

I TOTALLY agree with Jaded. I never approach men. Just doesn't feel right to me, but if I feel he needs a bit of encouragement to approach me I throw a genuine compliment his way about his attire or the scent of his cologne.

On another note...why is it always the ghetto arse mofo that has no chance in hell getting with you that approaches with all confidence? That always floors me. I'm talking about gold teeth, rims cost more than the car having, pants sagging boxers showing dudes...like really, you really think I would go for you?

Great post!

Kieya said...

I have friends that just give out their numbers automatically...not cuz they want but just cuz it happens. sometimes I do it too...we don't really think it through though. I guess my thought process is I'm giving my number as a friend and if more develops, so be it. But I didn't know about the "yes" confirmations, forreal? lol

I've approached guys before though. And sometimes its cool...but other times it becomes this thing where the roles are "reversed" and its annoying.

Just O said...

Its WILD over here...lol.

Ima just watch from the stands on this one lol

The Jaded NYer said...

WELL! It's poppin in here, too lol

I have to say to my ladies: we have to do better! Listen to what the dudes are saying because no matter how we think things SHOULD BE, they are telling us how things ARE and how the male brain works, and you need to adjust your reaction to them to accommodate that.

And to my gentlemen: you have to do better! Understand that while your way of thinking may be simple and to the point, ours is more complex and layered, and you need to adjust your approach to accommodate that.

OK my good people? Once we start to understand each other's way of thinking and being I think we can start to make progress and get everybody paired off and pregnant.

Sincerely,
Another Fake Relationship Doctor

Ra said...

Let me start by saying I'm married now, so this is the pre-married me talking.

I tend to be the more up front type. I will approach an attractive man, but it may not be right away. Usually I would hang back for a bit to observe the man and his interactions with others. People tend to be more of their true selves if they don't know they are being watched. Once I'm satisfied with what I see, I have no problems approaching.

I also try to be nice to everyone. At least give up a nice smile and hello. Besides, you never know who you may be missing out on or turning away simply because your ego got in the way.

But men and women alike need to start having a conversation with themselves first. Figure things out internally. Can't expect to clearly communicate with someone else if you don't even know what you want.

Smarty Jones said...

Kyle, you have further proved me and Eb's point about men being retarded.
How do we go from the initiial interview when we meet to being at third base?
I'mma need for ya'll to get it together!
OK, and yes, as I said on Monday, I do not approach men either. And I am going to blame it on where I am from.
Eb says I haven't met one fly enough yet. LoL.
But seriously, down here, the roles are more clearly defined. And I don't want to be the "aggressor" in the relationship. I want a man to be a man, dammit!
And as for Darius, I have no words. As for giving the number out to guys I am not really feeling, usually, I give them a number, not my number. Now I won't be doing that anymore because now some of these dudes call you from the club.
What's up with that?

Pro said...

This struck me: For example, ladies...if you're not feeling a guy...don't give him your number!

Reason #1 why it struck me: (Back story) Before I actually met MP, I met his cousin who was working at a major chain athletic store one afternoon I was fitness footwear browsing. I was a fresh out'a college grad, brand new in my teaching career. I'm a lil fuzzy on the details of how we actually ended up exchanging numbers, but it must've been cause I thought he was decent-looking enough. Fast forward to us having had a few phone conversations (read: communication), but not on a regular/full-time basis. I was probably uninterested and realized after the first convo I didn't know WHY I gave him my number.

Now that I'm married to MP (who subsequently found out via the conversationalist cousin in question that we "talked" and he had my number), he still gives me a hard time about the possibility that I was interested in his cousin (or dug him more than I let on... *drum roll* at least until I met him/future/current husband. This is so NOT true. But for the life of me I honestly can't come to a rationale as to why in my late teens to early twenties I freely gave out my number like a coupon?

Do you think we are all starving for communication?

Now, I see men at the gym who seem in fear to even speak to women (read: me) let alone try to hold a conversation. So, gym-goer-men, what is really up with THAT? I swear I'm not going to drop weights on you for saying "good morning" and my breath doesn't smell of morning either!

Doudou said...

LOL. When I was on the dating scene, I never asked a guy out. It just wasn't my style. Now, I would smile and appear approachable if I liked a guy, but actually ask him out? Nope. Never gonna happen.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

My Dear Blog Brothers!

I am listening with notebook in hand...Great post Bro!

Rich Fitzgerald said...

@Pro - they don't speak because they see the ring. Men are looking for "opportunities" at the gym, not friends.

The F$%K it List said...

Now I'm going to have to ask you to issue a retraction because I was not asked that question, nor did I respond. HMPH

And If I were single I would speak to a guy I was interested in because I'm the Queen of flirting. I'm not rolling up on a dude asking for numbers or anything like that though.

But you are right we all need to do a better job at communicating with each other. And I agree that if you are not interested ladies you probably shouldn't give him your number. BUT The men also need to learn to read signs women give and not think that blinking is a Green Light for his tomfoolery.

JUST this morning I had a guy ask if he could speak to me, I said No. He walked behind me for three blocks asking if I was married or stuck up, WTH?! I answered his question the first time. He thought he could run me down with his tired game.

So if women need to do better, so do MEN. If I say I don't want to talk its not an invitation to keep chatting me up, move on.

Charece said...

Well we both know from my previous blog that I have no problem approaching a man, I would prefer a man to approach me that I find attractive but if he doesn't I'll go on and handle the business myself and approach him, but like Angel said some mean think if you're approachingthem all you want is sex and thats not the case but it's all in how you approach them.

I think a lot of women do not approach men for fear that they may appear desperate when thats totally not the case. I've approach ed guys and later on when in the conversation they're like "wooow I would have never thought you would come and talk to me,thats kinda fly" so no matter what eventually someone gotta break the ice if there is an attraction there!

ShellyShell said...

Damn! I'm sorry I missed the initial convo on Jaded's show and I even wrote myself a sticky! I swear I'm the worst!

Anyway, I'm with Jaded. I WILL NOT approach a man. I don't care how fly I think he is. If he doesn't come up to me then we will never meet! Some of my friends will be like ohh that dude is cute. I'm going to go over to him. I always stand there like for real! But to each his own! I just can't go up to a man!

But that's just me and could be why I'm still single...lol!

Pocahontaz said...

Good shyt. Since Im married the way I communicate with men of the opposite sex is.....I DONT. And for guys/girls that like me in the workplace I hit them with the quick "your like a brother/sister to me" that way they know that I got love...just not in that way.

Miss Mika said...

Darnit, how did I miss this conversation?!?!?!

I personally don't have an issue with approaching a man that I might be interested in. Just like men aren't fans of being rejected, women aren't either, but shoot life is too short to worry about whether or not I am going to get the type of response I want... so rather than wait, I will go for it myself. The only thing a guy can tell me is no, and even if he does, the world does not end with his no.

Men are quick to say "if you aren't interested, don't give a man your number." when they have no idea the amount of disrespect we are faced with if we don't. Shoot, look at what Ms. P just had to go through on her way to a job interview... she wasn't interested and was polite about it, and dude tried to spit on her!!! WTH is that??? There have been times I've kindly declined a man approaching me, and I've been called all sorts of stuck up b*tches, dirty hos, ugly sluts... but just 10 seconds ago, you were trying to holla! I am not saying a woman should give her number out based on fear, but sometimes, you don't know the kind of man you are dealing with.

3rddeadline said...

...that damn Darius...is all I can say!!!....

~Ms. Moore~ said...

Kyle my friend you hit this one right on the head. EVERYONE needs to communicate better. I never give my phone number to a guy that I am not feeling and if he offers his number I tell him outright that I am not going to call him. On the other hand if I am attracted to a dude I am not that quick to speak to him first, but I will strut my stuff and see if he is interested enough to speak up.
It does disturb me when in the beginning a guy says he is not interested in an exclusive relationship and after we kick it for awhile they get an attitude when I come and go as I please. Then you ask them what's wrong and they say nothing????WTF???
Please, Please, Please people mean what you say and say what you mean. If you no longer have feelings for someone let them know. If you develop feelings for someone let them know.
www.deliveringonthepromise.com/rcvmoore

dessex said...

Yes I love it when a woman approach me. For the most it shows me that a woman knows what she likes and she is not afriad to go and get it. I know it doesn't happen often but just like women get happy cuz a good looking brotha speaks to her, us men like the same thing!

Great post!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

You have a point. I've done both, so I give up...just kidding!

Keith said...

I've been laughing at the back and forth between you,Darrius and Eb,
F%$k it List and Smarty Jones..that I haven't been able to comment. Yes, I don't mind being approached by a woman and I agree with Darrius...If you aint feelin me, don't give me your number. That gives a guy false hopes. If he doesn't get the number, he has no reason to think anything is jumpin off and the girl doesn't get pestered with phone calls she's not going to take. Win-Win-Simple as that.

I admit, I don't come out and ask a
girl if she wants a man...but I will ask a girl if she HAS a man. Some won't tell you. At the end of the day, nobody wants any surprises.

Kyle ,aren't you glad that we are out of the game now? I couldn't be bothered with the dating game the way it is now..The game done changed.

12kyle said...

Although I was tied up most of the day and couldn't respond to the comments, y'all kept me entertained!!! LOL


@ Jaded Santana
The show was craaaaazy!! I had a good time and I'm looking forward to the next one.

Maybe you should TRY to approach a man...maybe...and see what happens???

@ Angel
So eloquently put! I agree! Love the words of wisdom.

btw...I've never understood the grabbing of the arm thing. If I can't get your attention, I'm not gonna grab you. Who wants to be grabbed?

@ goooooood girl
crickets

@ Rich
Welcome back, bruh! I agree with you. Body language is the key. It's non verbal communication. As men, we have to do a better job of receiving that signal

@ Darius
LMAO!!!! *internet dap* Mannnnnn, youz a fool! I enjoyed you on the show, bruh. You ruffled some feathers (especially Eb's) LOL

@ Eb
Why would you give a man your number if you're not interested? I'm curious. Trust me...a man would not do that.

@ B
Telling them and then walking away...that sounds kinda cool. A confident move on your part.

@ Dreamy
Heyyyy Dreamy! Hope u feelin betta. I got ya back!

12kyle said...

@ Kay C the Quiet Storm
I feeeel you. I've seen try to get to the finish line sooooo fast. That don't work. I can honestly say that I've NEVA done that. You have to build the rapport before you ask for the number. Make her smile...laugh...

@ Darius
Tell her!!! LMAO!!!!

@ Eb
I have porn stars commenting on the blog b/c I'm cool like that!

@ Queen
If you saw me on the street...you'd approach me!!! lmao!!!

That was funny and you are dead on point. The dude who has NO shot at you is the one who has the confidence and swag that is not befitting of the loser that he truly is. LOL

@ Kieya
Heyyyyy lady! How have you been? Hope all is well with you.

Yes. Men are looking confirmations. Most men don't believe in "maybes". LOL

@ O
Mah bad...I left you off the list of male bloggers.

Yes. You've got the best seat in the house.

@ Jaded Santana
Paired off and pregnant?? LMAO!!!

@ Ra
"I also try to be nice to everyone. At least give up a nice smile and hello. Besides, you never know who you may be missing out on or turning away simply because your ego got in the way."

You were dead on point with that one, Ra. I feel you!!!

12kyle said...

@ Smarty Jones
Men aren't retarded. LOL. What I'm doing is offering you a sneak peek into how SOME men think. We're wired differently. If you give a man a compliment, that's one thing. If you give him your number, that's something else. Men are looking for a series of confirmations to get closer to you. That's what it is

@ Pro
Heyyyyyyyy!!! Look who's here. Sup, lady? Hope all is well with you and the fam!

I think you may have given out the number at a young age b/c "that was the thing to do." I'm sure that all of your friends were doing the same thing.

Funny that you could've ended up with his cousin. LOL

@ Doudou
The smile was a nonverbal signal to let him know that it's cool. I think that's a good way of keeping the lines of communication open

@ Keisha the Kitten
Do you have a #2 pencil? LOL

@ The F$%K it List
Mahhh bad. I retract my statement! LOL

That dude was a dummy. There's NO WAY that I'm following a woman for 3 blocks in 20 degree weather when she has already told me no. LOL

@ Charece
I agree with you (like I always do...lol). If a woman approaches a man, it doesn't show a sign of desperation. It just shows that she knows what she wants

@ ShellyShell
When you get a chance, go back and listen to show. You'll learn a thing or two. I schooled em. LOL

12kyle said...

@ Poca
Haaaaaaaaa!!!! I feel you on this one. Before I was married, I became "brother" to a lotta chicks that I wished that I wasn't. I was in that dreaded FRIEND ZONE and I couldn't get out!

@ Mika
Those dudes are idiots. As a man, I can't defend (and won't) another man for calling a woman out of her name...especially when he just asked for her number. That's about as stupid as it gets. And you're right, as woman you do have to put up with a lotta crap.

@ 3rddeadline
Hilarious!!!!!!!!

@ ~Ms Moore~
Amen!!! You know we've had this convo plenty of times!!! LOL

@ dessex
Women approaching us is kinda sexy and it makes her look even sexier

@ CurvyGurl ♥
You're funny! LOL

@ Keith
Mannnnnnn, I am sooooo glad that I'm out of the game. I don't have time for the foolishness. One of my best friend's (who is single) tells me that all the time..."the game done changed."