Friday, February 20, 2009

in the zone

In the zone...

Most of us have heard that term before.

In basketball, you've heard players talk about being in the zone when they can't miss a shot.

In football, you've heard players talk about finding the holes in the zone of the defense.

But there is ONE zone that most men fear...the FRIEND ZONE.

The FRIEND ZONE is that place that no man wants to be. It is when he is physically or emotionally attracted to a woman but she does not feel the same way. She only wants to be "just friends". Most men dread the FRIEND ZONE because once you're in that can't get out of it. You're there forever. It doesn't matter how much he's attracted to her, he can't break that zone. So...what is a man to do?

Most of you who read this blog are 25+. And most of us want the same things when it comes to a member of the opposite sex. Single men generally get to a point where they "have enough female friends." Adding another who he's attracted to... is not gonna happen. Most men are aggressive in their pursuit of women. So, this leaves him in a dilemma. Should he continue to try to break out of the FRIEND ZONE and win her heart and risk playing himself? Or should he just tell her that he can't be her friend? do you handle your dudes in your FRIEND ZONE? You can't say that you don't have em b/c every woman has at least one male friend that they know that likes them. Well...maybe not you married women but the single ladies do. do you handle it? Lemme know.



Capone da Author said...

As competitive as us men are in general, getting in the zone usually means we are about to punish our competition and experience the great joy of triumph. Kobe was "in the zone" when he dropped 81 on the Knicks, Tiger was "in the zone" when he destroyed the field at Augusta back in '97, and well MJ was always "in the zone". Being in the friend zone is the one zone on Earth that us men hate to be in. We are not used to being in the zone and losing, and the friend zone is a losing situation. But what sucks the most about it is aren't you supposed to be friends with your mate? How many times have you heard women sobbing uncontrollably at their weddings saying "I'm so thankful I married my best friend". Sorry for rambling but the friend zone sucks and is nothing but a bunch of bull at the end of the day.

Pro said...

a twigga is first! booya! um, i think he should continue--even at the risk of playin himself to win her over and remove himself from the friend zone into net/end zone etc. and if by chance anotha playa gets a handle on the ball make dat ni99a havta file u so u can get anotha shot or gain sum yardage (whicheva game u dig i can rock verbally wit'dat cause pro knws sports, really i do; just a lil kept secret except frm MP).

women like driven persistent brothas. and we also want the feeling of friend because when mr i feel sexually attracted to doesnt hav friend qualities, we start lookin at friend zone and the bigger picture: that championship ring!

Pro said...

got dammit! i was first. they stole it from me! damn damn damn shame (outkast horns blow)!

Capone da Author said...

LOL, naa homie I didn't steal it, first place is my home.

Pro said...

friend zone is our way of throwin yall off and makin u work for dem 'points' (or as adell usta say, dem 'coochie coupons'). just like steve harvey says the terms gold digger derived to throw us off frm tryna get sumthin frm a man without giving up something. see thru the friend zone stuff and really work to get to know her in the end. MP was straight friend zone and he later told me that the more i kept him there the more he wanted me. by the time it finally progressed, he aint waste no time 'puttin a ring on it'. oohh oooh ohho.

i may not blog on the regula but i love bloggin in folks blog. lmao

Pro said...

*ref holdin' pro back from el capone* lucky ion wanna subject myself to sum astronomical fine; or i'd stunt on ya! lmao its all good. i type slow while layin dwn, bruh.

Capone da Author said...

LMBO.. No blood no foul Pro...

LaKeviusM said...

Haha...the FRIEND ZONE. Sounds like a noble place to be. I have had several relationships and am currently estranged from my wife. After this recent relationship failure, I am most content to be a friend. You see, I have a problem with problems. I go out of my way not to create them, and will not own one that is given to me. If I am passive enough to allow myself ownership of a problem, then I handle it with minimal input (take full responsibility). Why minimal input, because in my mind, if you brought the problem to me then you must have had some difficulty dealing with it on your own. Being my friend, I feel, gives me more latitude to disagree, disregard, or displace a whole lot of what some folks call a problem. I'll take the FRIEND ZONE any day. An older fella, married for over 50 years, gave me some good advice. That advice was "Don't buy the cow, if the milk is free." Well, I have been fortunate enough in my life to get plenty of free milk. My body not being that lactose friendly, I am able to limit my desire for milk. At the end of the day, the only issue I have from free milk is the occasional urge to defecate the impurities of that free milk. Give me a friend anyday, and I'll relish the zone.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

The friend zone was always the worst ESPECIALLY when she's with some dude who is dogging the heck out of her, but hating wasn't allowed in my day, so you just had to ride that out and hope she came to her senses.

Now it's flipped on me. I like having chicks around, but they have to stay in the friend zone for obvious reasons, and I'm not talking the "friend" hit it on the side zone either. Problem is, every now and again you get one who starts feeling you and wants to get in the game when she's supposed to stay in the stands and learn how the game is played.

Smarty Jones said...

I hear you, man, I really do. But I gotta quote Morris Day in "Purple Rain" regarding men in the friend zone.
"You're in the best possible situation you could be in ..."
Check it out, as a woman's friend, you get to see her at her ugliest (literally and figuratively), her lowest and her most vulnerable.
Now, the flip side of that is she gets to see all that in you too and she gets to see how you treat or have treated women in the past.
If you've been a decent boyfriend in the past and she's seen that, then she's probably feeling you too.
As women, we value our friendships. So if she's feeling you too, she's not going to make a move that she thinks will be to the detriment of that friendship.
If you come to her with a genuine interest in her for a relationship and not the foolishness that is a "friends with benefits" set up, you might be surprised at what you get.
My brother married his best friend last July. They'd been friends since they met in the early 90s when they were stationed in Italy together. Jokingly I asked my sis-in-law, ya'll were friends for all those years and you STILL married him?
On the flip, it is much harder for a woman to break out of the friend zone, but I won't get into that right now.
I'll let Capone chime in because I'm sure he's going to. :-)

12kyle said...

@ Capone da Author
Welcome to the 12th Planet! Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here everyday...hangin out like wet clothes.

Great sports analogies, homie! The FRIEND ZONE is a tough place to be. And we really aren't used to being there.

@ Pro
Good points! How persistent should we be when you tell us that you just want to be friends? Did you ever tell your hubby that when he was chasing you?

@ LaKeviusM
Welcome to the 12th Planet! Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here bad traffic

You'd welcome being in the FRIEND ZONE? Really? I hear you, bruh. You made some very valid points. I just dunno if I could do it. LMAO @ free milk

@ Rich
That's always tough when the woman wants to get in the game when she KNOWS that she's supposed to remain a spectator.

@ Smarty Jones
I think...for the most come at women the right way when it comes to this b/c we're talking about a friendship. It's just frustrating having to "wait" on her to like you. Patience is very thin for the average man. It really is.

Capone da Author said...

I understand where both of you are coming from (Dre and Smarty), however lets not confuse the friend zone with the friends with benefits zone. I believe that you (women) and I (us men) need to have women that are strictly in that friend zone. Who else can tell us what she really means when she says "It's not you it's me" but another woman? Of course we can speculate but being that we think on opposite sides of our brains concerning matters of the heart we could definitely speculate wrong. Also, this is just my opinion, I would much rather cry on the shoulder of my female friend than my homies regarding certain situations. I know I may catch some heat for that but hear me out. There are some things that us men will absolutely go through one day and no matter how down your mans and them have been for you, you feel like a sucka if you tell them about it, and undoubtedly there will be at least one in the crew that will absolutely believe that you are a sucka and will challenge your manhood from that point on. But with your lady friend you can turn to her in that situation. It's something about that maternal side of her that starts kicking in. But back to the point at hand, when we are in a situation where we want to go to the next level with the lady we have our sights on, we have already counted the cost and determined that they are worth it at that price. If we only wanted them as a jump off, the zone doesn't matter and never comes into play and I would agree wholeheartedly with LaKevius get your gallon of milk for free.

TravelDiva said...

That depends. If he really likes her, he could make a move, knowing though that making the move will likely change their friendship forever.

Smarty Jones said...

OK, Capone and Kyle, I have work to do today and ya'll keep making points!
You're right Capone, there is something about seeing a man in distress that brings about something maternal in us.
But what you were saying about counting the cost if you're interested, that's fine and good, but if you don't communicate that, how do we know?
All we have to go on is what we've seen you do in your relationships. I can only speak for myself and my female friends who've told me all their business, but women like men of action. Talk is so cheap.
To quote my great aunt Pearl, you (men) have to be able to "prove your shit!" Show us what it is you mean.
And regarding the whole, cow/milk thing, I don't like being referred to as a heffa! LoL
But I do see your point. Lemme give you some advice for free, if you have a friend that you're interested in for those purposes only, she is not your friend. You are there listening to her issues and problems until she is vulnerable enough to give you some. And that sir, is lower than whale shit and that is at the bottom of the ocean.
I agree with you though, we all do need friends of the opposite sex, they need to be the type of friends where no lines have been blurred.
What do I mean? I mean, I need it to be the kind of situation where both of you will say, "that's like my sister/brother."
It shouldn't be that one of you says it and then the other looks away. It should be clearly defined and when there are questions, they can be answered without any vagueness.
OK, I gotta work. To be continued after deadline! :-)

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Once you're in the friend zone with me, there is no coming out of it b/c you're there for a reason. Most of the time, it's because I want to keep you around, but I don't want to get intimate with you.I would like to hang out, ask you to help me move my furniture, etc., but never to do anything more. I have a guy right now who is trying HARD to get out of the friend zone, but he just won't get it. Not only is he not physically attractive to me, but I just don't feel a connection. He is always trying to take me out to dinner, and I used to let him because who turns down free food...but now I see that I'm just using him. I know some women say "well, you're like my brother." Not with're in the friend zone because I wouldn't want to have you as a boyfriend or anything more.

The Jaded NYer said...

the dudes in my Friend Zone who have lil crushes on me? I try not to add to the crush, you know? Like I have to watch that my shirt ain't too tight or lowcut
and we don't hang out alone too late or that I don't call them after 11 or use too many sexual innuendos. And I always deflect any sexual references they throw my way with jokes n sh*t.

I just don't encourage it, that way it's clear on his end that I don't like him like that, because sometimes, you know how hard-headed y'all can be: I can say "lets just be friends" but y'all will STILL try and be more! lol

I say, if you can't be her friend and calm your urges to be her man then let the friendship die, 'cause it's mad awkward from our end!

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

i have super powers, u can get out if u place them there before they place u there lol
have a great weekend jones

12kyle said...

@ Capone da Author
I hear you, bruh. And're gonna catch some heat for that statement! LOL. Juss kiddin. I'm a lil different. I would much rather tell my crew whussup with me and cry on their shoulder. They would understand much better than any woman would.

@ TravelDiva
Once he makes that move...and if she lets him out of the FRIEND ZONE...things will never be the same. And that may not be such a bad thing

@ Smarty Jones
Good points! I think when we speak of the FRIEND ZONE, we're talking about that dude that you see as a brother. That's not the dude who's looking to run any type of game on you. He' s the dude that has been a great friend thru thick and thin for you. Kickin him to the curb isn't all.

Now...go make that deadline!

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
As always...interesting perspective! I have a question...have you ever told him that you're not attracted and there's no connection?

@ Jaded Santana
You don't give them any reason to feel that they've got a shot at you...I can dig it! I may not like it...but i respect it. I hope that your FRIEND ZONE buddies respect it, too.

"I say, if you can't be her friend and calm your urges to be her man then let the friendship die, 'cause it's mad awkward from our end!" Interesting...i think it's JUST as akward "maybe even more" for him.

@ Rawdawgbuffalo
We all try to stay outta that FRIEND ZONE before she puts us there. However, sometimes she's put us there before we've even made the first move.

The Jaded NYer said...

Dude, I had this convo with one Friend Zone buddy last year:

ME-- why do you keep knocking on that door when you know it's never going to open for you?

HIM-- why not? The door is there, why shouldn't I knock? you never know, right?

ME-- but I DO know, damn, that sh*t is mad annoying! Just stop.

HIM-- (chuckling) never say never

and that's why his ass hardly ever sees or hears from me anymore!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Everybody is hitting on points today...I haven't read everybody's comments because I don't want them to influence what I want to say.

The men in my Friend Zone are there for a variety of reasons. Some because I don't want to date them due to X,Y,Z and others because they are not available and a friendship forms.

Ironically, some of my best friendships with men have been because either one of us were not available when meeting and a great friendship happened over time. When we were finally available, I didn't want to mess up the friendship for a couple of dates.

If the chemistry is not there in the beginning, you will be put in the friend zone and most men don't make it out. And I don't do "friends with benefits"

Guess I am agreeing with your theory Kyle :)

clnmike said...

Ahhhh yes the dread friend zone.

It's like being in purgatory.

I usually let a woman know up front that I am in it to win it damn a friendship.

That way we get to the point of the matter if it's going to work or not.

My routine is the moment I find myself in that zone and I am not feeling her as a serious friend, (there is a difference between casual friends and real friends) I just disappear.

No need to break the friendship off but no need to entertain it either.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Yes, I have and he still wants to try and get with me. He doesn't want to admit it that I'm not feeling him in that way.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

I don't think its impossible to get out of the friend zone....I personally would prefer my husband be someone that would have qualified as a friend...I'd even be open to him being someone who was once in the "friend zone"...

I have some friends who totally disagree with me and feel that you can't or shouldn't end up with a "friend zone" person...Not I said the fly....who better than the one who has been by your side, a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, who has loved you through it all minus a booty call? I mean who better than him??? Well, unless he's a gay my dreams that's how my love story ends.....with a friend...

I just had a thought...I've often been put in the friend zone! What's up with that??????

Keith said...

I'm 100% feeling what Rich said. When I was a young man, I used to get put in the "Friend" zone with practically every girl I really liked. It was weird..I was hittin the ones I could care less about, but just a "brother" to the ones I had feelings for. Iused to help them move furniture, sit over their house or apartment and give them advice on how to make themselves more attractive to some other guy...Even bought a pack of condums for one girl so that if that moment arrived, she'd be prepared..I started feeling like I was gay at one I stopped.
I started telling women straight up
what my intentions were and if they
weren't feeling me that way, I kept it pushing.. If you stay in the "friend" zone, you are wasting your time. You're in the zone for a
reason..The young lady is not attracted to you as a boyfriend. It's best for both of you to move on. You might be missing out on a great girl and while you're hanging all up under some girl who aint feelin you, you're blocking some great guy from being with her.

I do have female friends...but I'm not attracted to them sexually or emotionally...That's different.

Rashan Jamal said...

ahh the dreaded friend zone. Basically, the dude gotta get out of the situation or stop whining about it. Or you can just accept your role and be a friend. The key thing to remember is that if she don't feel you now, she probably never will.

Can you tell I've been there a time or three? LOL

Anonymous said...

hahahaha funny you mentioned that...check my blog

Exhale_Whew said...

Hey Kyle and co.

I agree with Keisha "Kittens" "who better than the one who has been by your side, a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, who has loved you through it all minus a booty call?"

My current boyfriend was a close friend for 2yrs. We worked together on some projects and I didn't want our relationship to get in the way of our work. So I automatically put him in the "friend zone". During this time i did everything to let him know that I wanted nothing more than a friendship and he was a GREAT friend. We were able to be open with one another 100%. I think there is something about the friend zone that lets you put your guard down. After 2 years and a lot of things happening in both our lives he decided he wanted out of the zone. I was hesitant for a while but after thinking about it why wouldn't I want to be with someone who cared and loved for me. He also knew me better than any of my other boyfriends combined. So we went for it and we have been dating for 1 year and something. All that to it's ok to take the risk. I realized how strong our bond was when we broke up last year, we were able to keep our friendship for the couple of months we were broken up. It taught me that whatever happens I will still have a great friend.

Thanks for reading.

Jackie E. said...

I have a few male friends that are in the friend zone. Most of them know that's where they are but every once in a while I feel too badly to just tell them outright so I just kinda sorta talk to them every once in a while and try to drop hints without being direct. Sometimes I wish I could be more forthright. It would make life a whole lot easier!

Angel said...

My man was my 'friend' and now we are in love...he took a chance and won...

Hadassah said...

I have a boyfriend but i have no male friends honest. But i had few guy friends in my single days and they didn't last cause many of them crossed the line I mean once he said I like more than a friend the friendship was over. Why? they started beefing over how they can not be friends no more if they like me I was okay you know what bye!

12kyle said...

@ Jaded Santana
Dayyum! LOL. I dunno what to say about that!

@ Kay C the Quiet Storm
Most men don't make it out! *sigh*


@ clnmike
I like that approach!

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
Sometimes...especially for men...that's a hard thing to admit

@ Keisha the Kitten
I think you want to be friends with somebody who's been there for the ride with you. That person has a better appreciation for what you've been through

@ Keith
Yeah man! You were truly in the friend zone if you brought her rubberz. LOL!!!!

12kyle said...

@ Rashan Jamal
LMAO!!! You sound like me, bruh. Prior to being married, I was there more than I'd like to admit

@ Oyin
Comin over right now...

@ Exhale_Whew
I love hearing stories like that. Good to see that you trusted him enough to let him out of the zone. When everything had a strong friendship to keep you going.

@ Jackie E.
Be direct with em. You may not be telling them what they want to hear but it's what they need to hear!

@ Angel

@ Hadassah
LMAO @ U!!! That's funny!

writers dream said...

well i have to say that some guys put themselves in the infamous friend zone. well in my case. and they never let me know that they have started to catch feelings until long years down the line. men. geesh!