Thursday, September 18, 2008
ask a married dude
The other day... Keisha the Kitten asked me to deliver some perspective on marriage. Well..if you ask...I'll tell you. And since females make up like 95% of the bloggers (lol)...here's a lesson for ya. Am I a marriage counselor? No. However, on Sept 23, I will celebrate 8 yrs of marriage. So...I know a lil sumthin about the subject. My thoughts come from the experience, wisdom, and knowledge of myself as well as those around me. With that said...here we go...Get your # 2 pencils out
1. Marriage is about committing to the commitment. Period. No turning back from that. There WILL be tough times. You have to try to make it work.
2. Marriage is hard work. If anybody tells you anything different, then they are lying.
3. Marriage is constant. You can't take a day off. Even when you are having a bad day.
4. It's a partnership...not a dictatorship. Well, that's how my marriage is. We wouldn't last long if it were a dictatorship. I'm not always right. Most of the times I am...but not all of the time. LOL
5. Communication, trust, and love. You need those 3 things to make it work and to make it last
6. Marriage is about putting your spouses needs/wants before yours! This is hard. It's hard because we're all selfish by nature. I have struggled with it myself. You have to be willing to make sacrifices.
7. Compromise is a MUST. Period. There has to be common ground. This is hard for men. Can't front. You have to have patience with a man on this.
8. Your husband should be your best friend. He should know your thoughts, fears, and desires.You should talk to him about stuff before you talk to your parents, siblings, and friends. If you meet a married man and he can't say that his wife is his best friend, then I'll bet you that his marriage will fail. The trails and tribulations of a marriage must enable you to wear different hats in a marriage. You could be the wife, friend, and homie. Sometimes when we have disagreements...I can't speak to her as my wife...but as my friend. "Look, I don't appreciate what you just said. That was not cool and I'm pissed off..."
9. You must know him inside and out. Know his likes and dislikes. Cater to him. Every man wants to be pampered. If he likes dinner to be cooked by the time that he gets home...hook him up. If you do it for him...he'll return the favor.
10. Don't smother him. Allow him to be a man and do things that men do. I love the fact that Mrs12 isn't "in my back pocket". She undertstands when I need time with the crew. And I feel the same way about her and her girlfriends. While I don't make it a "habit" of hanging out...I do kick it from time to time.
11. To keep the marriage fresh...do the little things that you did when you were dating. This is hard. Trust me! Especially when you have a family. But things like dates and movies are a necessity. Every couple needs to spend quality time together.
12. Sex. Period. LOL.
13. Seriously, you had better marry a man that has the same sexual appetite that you do. If you have a lotta sex when you were dating but you expect to "barely give him some" when you get married...then you are gonna have major problems. I remember the words of one of my married friends..."Sex ain't the only thing...but it's pretty damn important."
14. Never accuse a man of cheating unless you are SURE that he may be doing it. If you accuse a man that's innocent, then you will have major problems on your hands. It'll get to the point that he'll say..."She thinks I' cheating but I'm not. If she thinks that about me, then I should do it anyway."
15. Be you. Easier said than done. In a marriage, we change b/c we grow. I'm not the same dude that I was 10 yrs ago. I have a friend who cheated on his wife. He told me that it wasn't about the other woman. He said..."the other woman was every thing that his wife USED to be. She used to be fun. She used to love to spend time with me. She used to cook. She used to like being married. Now, she's just doing it just to do it." When he said it, I couldn't condemn him. That was his personal decision. But I saw the changes in his wife too. Without preaching to him, I reminded him of some things that he USED to do as well. It's funny b/c I learned a lot from him by watching him go through a marriage and then divorce. He used to always say..."cheating is about situations. Keep yourself out of certain situations and you won't have to make any decisions."
16. Waiting in the wings factor- I know that the ladies don't wanna hear this but when you're married there will always be another woman (or women) that will be waiting in the wings. It's a fact of life. You can be replaced. I know that sounds shallow. But we all know about the "shortage of black men". And there is always 2 or 3 woman who have their eye on your husband. It is what it is. I've seen it play out with friends and co-workers. For example, here in Atlanta, the woman to man ratio is like 13 to 1. So, if I were single I'd have my pick of the litter, right? Wrong! If I were single, they wouldn't all be checkin for me. But it's something about when a dude slides that ring on that left ring finger. Shoot, I've been approached by women who I'd see look at my hand and STILL approach me. I find it comical but that's the world that we live in. Those of you who are reading this might not do it...but you know 3 or 4 women who would.
17. Take it one day at a time. Marriage is a marathon...not a sprint.
18. Stay involved in his interests! If he likes to works on cars, you don't have to help him fix an engine. But you can ask him questions about what he's doing. If he knows that you're interested then he'll appreciate that.
19. You should have similar ideologies about child rearing. These things should be discussed loonnnnggg before you get married.
20. Marriage is what you make it. It really is. If it's not where it needs to be, then you do what you gotta do. Don't be afraid to get help if you need. It's not something that you hop in and hop out of. You stated vows that were recognized by God. Gotta live by those words.
If you live with her while you're dating...don't think that things will be the same once you get married. The mindset has to change. Marriage is a deeper level of commitment. When you're dating and living together, there is always an out. It doesn't work like that in a marriage. You gotta stay there and make it work.
I hope this helped. It doesn't matter if you're married or not. Male or female.