Thursday, September 18, 2008

ask a married dude


The other day... Keisha the Kitten asked me to deliver some perspective on marriage. Well..if you ask...I'll tell you. And since females make up like 95% of the bloggers (lol)...here's a lesson for ya. Am I a marriage counselor? No. However, on Sept 23, I will celebrate 8 yrs of marriage. So...I know a lil sumthin about the subject. My thoughts come from the experience, wisdom, and knowledge of myself as well as those around me. With that said...here we go...Get your # 2 pencils out

Women

1. Marriage is about committing to the commitment. Period. No turning back from that. There WILL be tough times. You have to try to make it work.

2. Marriage is hard work. If anybody tells you anything different, then they are lying.

3. Marriage is constant. You can't take a day off. Even when you are having a bad day.

4. It's a partnership...not a dictatorship. Well, that's how my marriage is. We wouldn't last long if it were a dictatorship. I'm not always right. Most of the times I am...but not all of the time. LOL

5. Communication, trust, and love. You need those 3 things to make it work and to make it last

6. Marriage is about putting your spouses needs/wants before yours! This is hard. It's hard because we're all selfish by nature. I have struggled with it myself. You have to be willing to make sacrifices.

7. Compromise is a MUST. Period. There has to be common ground. This is hard for men. Can't front. You have to have patience with a man on this.

8. Your husband should be your best friend. He should know your thoughts, fears, and desires.You should talk to him about stuff before you talk to your parents, siblings, and friends. If you meet a married man and he can't say that his wife is his best friend, then I'll bet you that his marriage will fail. The trails and tribulations of a marriage must enable you to wear different hats in a marriage. You could be the wife, friend, and homie. Sometimes when we have disagreements...I can't speak to her as my wife...but as my friend. "Look, I don't appreciate what you just said. That was not cool and I'm pissed off..."

9. You must know him inside and out. Know his likes and dislikes. Cater to him. Every man wants to be pampered. If he likes dinner to be cooked by the time that he gets home...hook him up. If you do it for him...he'll return the favor.

10. Don't smother him. Allow him to be a man and do things that men do. I love the fact that Mrs12 isn't "in my back pocket". She undertstands when I need time with the crew. And I feel the same way about her and her girlfriends. While I don't make it a "habit" of hanging out...I do kick it from time to time.

11. To keep the marriage fresh...do the little things that you did when you were dating. This is hard. Trust me! Especially when you have a family. But things like dates and movies are a necessity. Every couple needs to spend quality time together.

12. Sex. Period. LOL.

13. Seriously, you had better marry a man that has the same sexual appetite that you do. If you have a lotta sex when you were dating but you expect to "barely give him some" when you get married...then you are gonna have major problems. I remember the words of one of my married friends..."Sex ain't the only thing...but it's pretty damn important."

14. Never accuse a man of cheating unless you are SURE that he may be doing it. If you accuse a man that's innocent, then you will have major problems on your hands. It'll get to the point that he'll say..."She thinks I' cheating but I'm not. If she thinks that about me, then I should do it anyway."

15. Be you. Easier said than done. In a marriage, we change b/c we grow. I'm not the same dude that I was 10 yrs ago. I have a friend who cheated on his wife. He told me that it wasn't about the other woman. He said..."the other woman was every thing that his wife USED to be. She used to be fun. She used to love to spend time with me. She used to cook. She used to like being married. Now, she's just doing it just to do it." When he said it, I couldn't condemn him. That was his personal decision. But I saw the changes in his wife too. Without preaching to him, I reminded him of some things that he USED to do as well. It's funny b/c I learned a lot from him by watching him go through a marriage and then divorce. He used to always say..."cheating is about situations. Keep yourself out of certain situations and you won't have to make any decisions."

16. Waiting in the wings factor- I know that the ladies don't wanna hear this but when you're married there will always be another woman (or women) that will be waiting in the wings. It's a fact of life. You can be replaced. I know that sounds shallow. But we all know about the "shortage of black men". And there is always 2 or 3 woman who have their eye on your husband. It is what it is. I've seen it play out with friends and co-workers. For example, here in Atlanta, the woman to man ratio is like 13 to 1. So, if I were single I'd have my pick of the litter, right? Wrong! If I were single, they wouldn't all be checkin for me. But it's something about when a dude slides that ring on that left ring finger. Shoot, I've been approached by women who I'd see look at my hand and STILL approach me. I find it comical but that's the world that we live in. Those of you who are reading this might not do it...but you know 3 or 4 women who would.

17. Take it one day at a time. Marriage is a marathon...not a sprint.

18. Stay involved in his interests! If he likes to works on cars, you don't have to help him fix an engine. But you can ask him questions about what he's doing. If he knows that you're interested then he'll appreciate that.

19. You should have similar ideologies about child rearing. These things should be discussed loonnnnggg before you get married.

20. Marriage is what you make it. It really is. If it's not where it needs to be, then you do what you gotta do. Don't be afraid to get help if you need. It's not something that you hop in and hop out of. You stated vows that were recognized by God. Gotta live by those words.



Fellas
If you live with her while you're dating...don't think that things will be the same once you get married. The mindset has to change. Marriage is a deeper level of commitment. When you're dating and living together, there is always an out. It doesn't work like that in a marriage. You gotta stay there and make it work.


I hope this helped. It doesn't matter if you're married or not. Male or female.

Your thoughts...

Hollatachaboi

44 comments:

Big Cheekz said...

this was on point. i've been happily married 9 years and while marriage is a wonderful thing, it does take a lot of team work & commitment.

The Jaded NYer said...

this had too many rules for the women and only one for the guys, so I'm refuting it all on principle.

also, #9 & #10 seem to contradict one another

tis all

dessex said...

Wonderful post....

I don't plan on getting married soon, but I'm going to print this out and have my girl read it lol

12kyle said...

@ Big Cheekz
Congrats to ya! You are correct. Teamwork and committment

@ Jaded Santana
# 9 and # 10 go together. You want to cater to him but also know when he needs his space. This post was written from my perspective to the ladies so that's why the fellas really weren't addressed. But I wanna get everybody's opinion...even from Mets fans. Haaaaaa

@ dessex
LOL!!! Good thinking!

The Jaded NYer said...

mannnn, I'm not doing NUTHIN!!!

"cater to his needs?"

I'm sorry, did I wake up in 1954??

(this is why I'm single... in case you couldn't tell)

Darius T. Williams said...

Yea - so you gave a lot of tips. Good looking out. I'm not getting married anytime soon - nor am I marrying a female - but for real, some of this is great advice.

12kyle said...

@ jaded santana
*sigh*

SMH

*2nd sigh*

Haaaa

@ Darius
Are same sex marriages permitted in Illinois or the state where you plan to reside? I assume that it would be frustrating to want to get married in a state that doesn't recognize same sex marriages

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

I thought I asked the right guy to do the job and you did it in excellence. I'll be coming back to do business round here again! lol

I'll be printing this out and putting it in Proverbs 31 of my bible. This is where I have studied being a good wife in God's eye. I'll also be sharing this with several of my friends. One in particular is a newly wed and NEEDS to read this.

Now let me ask you to write the things a man can or should do to keep a smile on his wife's face. Also, what makes a woman "the one" (from the perspective of you and your married friends). I'm always wondering what makes a playa playa play no more and settle down. And how do a particular woman get a man to say "I do". I know you can't answer for everyone, but let's hear your views on it. Thanks Bro!

Mizrepresent said...

Bravo 12Kyle, so well put...thanks for speaking the TRUTH!

12kyle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
12kyle said...

@ Keisha the Kitten
Thanks for asking about this post. I enjoyed writing it. I hope that it was helpful

"Now let me ask you to write the things a man can or should do to keep a smile on his wife's face."
That will be harder to write than this post...but I'll do it! LOL

"Also, what makes a woman "the one" (from the perspective of you and your married friends)."
I'll do a post on this as well!

@ Miz
Thanks, Miz. I hope this helps. You were a vet in the game of marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that you'll find someone that's even better.

Juz Fine said...

"I Loved The Post" Lol

First of all it's nice to see a guy take the time to do this post about marriage.

Although I can't use the info right now. There are points that I will remember and use in the future.

Good Job Guy!

The Dreamy One said...

hey sweets great post.

all the things you said were absolutely true.

I dont have plans on getting married soon but ill keep all those things in mind when the time comes around!!

Urban Thought said...

If you don't mind, explain compromise to me and in what context you speak of it.

Compromise appears to be a big deal in a lot of relationships I observe. It's one of the reasons I don't bother with them. That and the acceptance factor. Don't try to change anyone. Accept them for who they are, on all levels, and you both will be better off.

Charece said...

I like #11 Keep it fresh...I'm not married but when I do get married, I'm gonna try everything I can to keep things fresh and hopefully he will too...Nobody wants the same old same old, I know I don't!

Brad said...

Marriage is like life on earth. Somewhere right in the middle of Heaven and Hell. LMAO.

Rezidl said...

Well done, Chocolate Boy Wonder.

4 key points you made: a committment to committment; don't smother; keep it fresh; and, marathon not a sprint.

live long enough...

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Love the title BTW.

TOTALLY agree that marriage is hard work.

#2, #3 and #4...yep, yep and yep.

Couldn't agree more on #8.

I mentioned nuturing a relationship in my love list. Yes, I know plenty of women who are waiting in the wings to be the next one. Hell, I saw some lurk over my ex-husband. He never saw it, though...maybe that's why he is an ex? Wonder if one of them is enjoying being with him with others in the wings now? Hmmm, anyway...

GREAT POST, I agree with everything you said..including the advice to the fellas. Well done!

dejanae said...

thnx doctor phil

ShellyShell said...

These were good. When I was set to get married 3 years ago I can say that we pretty much hit all of your points. Fast forward to the The Teacher and we had MAJOR communication issues and I was ALWAYS competing with his family! The last time I spoke to him I told him that he would never have a succesful marriage if he didn't put his wife before everyone! Plus when times got tough I feel like he would just wrap up in a ball! *sigh* I could write 10 pages on our situation! Good Post!

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Wow, this was really good!

I have a question though. You talked about being you/staying you; how does one stay that way when you have children, etc? For instance, lets say if the woman was very much into her looks, kept her shape nice...but after having kids, her looks changed...she gained weight, hair isn't all together, etc...how is he suppose to manage around that and how is she suppose to handle her change or his attitude towards her?

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I think you summed it up perfectly!!! I've been married for a little over 3 years now. My husband is my best friend. I tell him EVERYTHING, probably too much.

Great post!!

Eb the Celeb said...

When I get married I am taking days off... people get on my nerves after being around for a while so I already know there are going to be days off in my marriage... weekend getaways without him... no cheating but definitely a day or 2 away that isnt a business trip

Jewells said...

Good post!

With marriage being a state of divorce these days, one really needs to make sure they know who and what they are saying "I do" to. And then do what needs to be done to make things work. No one said it was easy.

Ms. Jones said...

you are great..seriously, I mean that lol. Marriage is a deep deep thing and it isn't valued like it used to be which is unfortunate. Great guidelines, they make perfect sense...

Keith said...

As a married man myself, I have to say..you covered it all brother.
Nicely Done.

12kyle said...

@ Juz Fine
Thanks! See...you were not long winded. LOL

@ dreamy
save it. print it.

@ urban thought
Compromise is all about finding some type of common ground. It is EXTREMELY tough to do. Especially if you have 2 strong minded people who aren't willing to "back down". There is always some "gray area". As a man, sometimes we tend to be too prideful and are unwilling to compromise. I have done it in my marriage. And it just causes problems with communication. You have to find some type of common ground or just agree to disagree. You feel me?


@ Charece
Keepin it fresh is a must. Nobody wants a stale marriage

@ Brad
LMAO!!! Classic one, bruh

@ rezdil
Live long enough!!! Haaaaaaaaa

@ kay c
You bring up a good point. Why is so hard for a married man to see the "lurkers"?

Tha L said...

Ok Kyle. what the fuck is up with all the "tips" for the ladies and no real advice for the men? with all my love and respect, i really wanna smack you right now. you've just done what so many people, men and women alike, do...place all the damn work and expectations and responsibility on women to do this, that, and the other thing for the marriage (most of which include HER working, HER not taking a day off, HER being patient, HER putting her husband's needs first, and on and on like such. but all we tell the man in this society is that they gotta "be committed" or "stay put"?!!! WTF.

Let me quit before I blow my fuckin' top up in here...

I need a damn drank after this one, Kyle.

12kyle said...

@ dejanae
uknohowidoit

@ ShellyShell
When you tie the knot...wife comes first. Even before your own momma! That's a tough concept for a man b/c for all of his life...his momma is the number 1 lady in his life. But that changes when you get married. If it doesn't change then it's gonna be major problems.

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
Excellent question. I'll answer this from only my perspective.

I am very fortunate to have married a woman who is very fashionable. She's not a diva but she doesn't leave the house looking busted. Never. She constantly gets her hair and nails done. She doesn't do it for me or to keep me...she does it for herself. She also works out. She's given birth to 3 kids but you wouldn't know it if you looked at her. As she works out...I'm encouraging her. I think she looks very good but I like the fact that she's not "stuck on herself" and she keeps trying.

I hope I answered your question.

@ BGG
LoL @ telling too much

@ Eb
Nothing wrong with a get a way

@ Jewells
Amen. You make it work. And when it doesn't work...you work harder to make it work.

@ Ms. Jones
Thanks!!! I appreciate the luv! It's not easy. But nothing worth having is easy

@ Keith
Thanks, bruh. I'm trying to get where you are.

12kyle said...

@ L
LoL!!! Calm down

Grab the Crown

This one was directed at the ladies. You know there's a post coming for the fellas.

Lmao @ u!!!

Rich said...

I can co-sign all of that bruh. Every last line. You hit it on the head. You sure you aren't a counselor?

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

er, is the man section coming tomorrow?

anyhoo, your points are valid. i think you should have included to MEN that when you get married, you are to leave your mama and father and cling to your wife. in other words, you have your own fam, even if there are no kids yet...and men need to know what role they are supposed to step into. too many women/mothers are left to fill in blanks where the men leave off (or dont understand). being the head of a household means a lot more than having a twig and berries. MANY men do not understand what this entails...

i'm waiting to read the mens part tomorrow...

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

oh, i forgot to add my reasoning...i mentioned the men part because a lot of women do not or have problem with a lot of things on this list when the man/husband doesn't truly understand his role. 50% of my married friends have the same perspective...their husbands get on their nerves because they are clueless as to what they're doing. so i guess it would be hard to cater and do all that stuff when you're like, dude, whats up? LOL

and i must say, it seems like a lot of men these days are letting that ratio thing get to their heads. i am on a quest to find my friend a man and its a hot mess! LOL

~Ms. Moore~ said...

Another Met fan's opinion!!!
You apparently did not completely learn your lesson from the CRAMP fiasco---LMAO
Yes you did a great job laying out all these long drawn out rules for women to follow, but nothing for your boys =( I guess that's why men mess up the marriage more often then women...lol They usually have poor (or no) role models and then their boys can't even help them out. I guess that's why men cheat on women even when they do all of the above...sigh
www.deliveringonthepromise.com/rcvmoore

The F$%K it List said...

I don't like the words "cater to his needs" My life is not an episode of Father knows best. Especially that thing about he likes dinner done before he gets home, well then he better have dinner when he walks in the door. I work all day too.

Now don't get me wrong I cook, I make sure the home is comfortable andthat he is treated as a man but cater, uhm No. I do what makes life easy for both of us and so does he.

12kyle said...

@ Rich
I've gotta catch up to you and your wife.

No. Not a counselor but I play one on tv

@ PCD
LOL. No post for the men on tomorrow but I will do one.

@ PCD
That ratio is great for a man who is greedy. LoL

@ Ms. Moore
If a woman does all of this and a man still cheats...he wasn't "marriage material". LOL

@ The F$%k It List
When I say "cater"...I don't mean to wait on him like a maid. I mean what you said...doing the things that he likes to make it easier for the 2 of you.

CapCity said...

LOL @ Brad! Go 'head on Bruh 12K... u switchin' career paths on us! Let us know when YOUR book's coming out! ;-)

Sexxy Luv said...

I can't wait to cater sex to my husband! Lmao! Great post Kyle,the school girl had her number 2 ready!

12kyle said...

@ CapCity
I dunno if I'm ready for a book. I'll leave that to the great ones like you, Miz, Rawdawg, and Rich

@ Sexxy Luv
I KNOW that you will!!!

You always keep your #2 pencil ready

Miss Mika said...

Good job big bro. I can totally dig this and look forward to this "place between heaven and hell" as a commenter so eloquently put it.

Congrats on 8 years of marriage! You guys are my new long term relationship role models!!

12kyle said...

@ Mika
You'll be at that place soon enough. Thanks, sis

SaneAndSingle said...

I'm with Jaded! It looks as if the woman has to do all the "work" in the relationship, according to your list. Oh yeah, I'm single too...maybe that's why! LOL

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there!

CurvyGirl liked this post and mentioned it at her blog so I thought I would check it out.

You did not mention the importance of having a spiritual journey to share together. I think that ANY COUPLE without a solid spiritual foundation will have a failed marriage eventually...even if they never divorce.

Plenty of defunct marriages exist and there are many married couples who simply live under one roof.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa