Tuesday, November 11, 2008

playa hater

Playa Hater or hater (for short)

Why do women hate on each other?

That was the question that was thrown out by my girl, B, on Twitter today. Very good question.

I'm not saying that guys don't hate on each other...they do...just not like the way that women do. For example, I could be sitting in a room with woman #1. If woman #2 walks into the same room, you can see it all unfold. Woman #1 will "eye scan" woman #2 and she may even frown or turn up her nose.

We all make our own conclusions about a person within the first 11 seconds that we meet them. We are able to conceive notions about a person's...level of education, style, personality, wealth, ethic, etc. That said...SOME women hate other women immediately. I call it...hate at first sight. Why?

Growing up, I always had a great deal of female friends. And I still do...to this day. They would always tell me that "it's hard to be friends with a lotta females and it's easier to have male friends." Why?

They used to always tell me that they'd "never tell their most intimate stuff about their man because they feared that the female would stab them in the back and try to get at their man." Wow! Is that true? Do you have a friend who you DON'T trust around your man?

Don't get it twisted...I'm not sayin that dudes don't hate on each other...b/c we do. It's just not the same.

So, I throw these questions out to the females (and the fellaz) of the 12th Planet. I need to get your thoughts. Have you done any of these things? Are you a hater? If so, we won't bash you. LoL.



ms.uncensored said...

i dont hate on other women. i do the scan thing though. i think we all do. but my scanning is worse. my boo tells me all the time that i need to cut that shit out before i get his ass shot. i just like to observe people though i can't help it. o:)

as for me worrying about my man and my friends. i don't surround myself with bitches like that. plan and simple. i don't ever worry about that because i know that while some of my friends work my last damn nerves they wouldn't ever pull some skeezing ass shit like that. period.

but one thing i don't do too much is talk about my relationship with my man to my girlfriends period. there's some things that should only be between my man and i.

Keith said...

This is so weird..I just published my post about "hating" just a few minutes ago.. I too had a lot of female friends and they all said that they didn't trust other women around their men and that "women always keep somethin going on." They've told me personal things that they couldn't share with their female friends.I never understood that.
Just the nature of that game,I suppose.

Somebodies Friend said...

I have seen this alot, women that have a man and they eyeball me like they want to jump my ass right there on the spot, but if I try and talk to them they pretend like I don't even exist.

It seems very strange to me!

Anonymous said...

cant answer that question...but it is a good one..... I dont think I have hated on someone since high school and I hated on her then because she was most popular...lol

Miss Mika said...

Hi Brother!!!

I can honestly say that I am not a hater. I give props when they are do will not hesitate to give them. I myself have wondered why women, especially black women, have so many issues with one another. Why we constantly feel this sense of competition with one another. I am one of those women who tend to get along better with men because that cattiness tends to be avoided with men. I won't say that all women are like that because we aren't, but sometimes, to avoid the drama, I'd rather not be bothered with female friendships at all.

I know that someone may not like my comment, but those ladies who don't want their women around their men, has nothing to do with the woman, but her own insecurities. If you are with a good man, she has nothing to worry about. I personally don't discuss my relationship woes with anyone, male or female, except the man that I am with. That is how problems get started.

Anonymous said...

I seem to get along more with men than women, but I think that is because I'm a toyboy and just have more in common with guys. Some women are a bit catty and bitchy so I would rather avoid that mess.

I don't hate on people though, unless they have done something to me. I'm a secretive person so I don't really discuss my relationships with other people anyway.

clnmike said...

Guys hate on each other but women take it to sporting levels.
I suspect it is because women are more likely to be in some one elses business.

The F$%K it List said...

I don't hate on other women anymore. I think when I was that "girl" that rolled my eyes or gave the thorough scan I had my own issues.

Now I am usually the victim of that kind of BS, but now I am more confident and will just smile. If a woman is scoping me to hard I will say hello and keep it moving. As for friends I don't trust with my hubby, nope because then they wouldn't be friends!

I think the real difference in men doing and women is that it sticks with us longer. Men tend to hate and move on.

Mizrepresent said...

Nope, never been a hater, but been hated on. I guess i am secure enough in myself that i have no reason to hate. If i see you and you looking sharp, got some bad ass shoes on or something i would tell you. Someone don't know how to take a compliment though, and are usually surprised that i said something, but it breaks the ice. As far as keeping my man away from my friends, never, shid, if it goes down like that either he trifling or they aren't really my friends. I have alot a really good girlfriends that have been my friends for many many years, and i constantly meet women and hang out with no problem at all...i guess i just don't attract those type, haterz.

Now i do know of some women i work with that have that tendency, but i just keep it moving. It's their problem, not mine.

dessex said...

I don't think that I am a hater...but like women men do the 11 second scan as well. I think its just what we do......

Women do it on a more competitive level i think. Its like they always have to up stage the other one. Just my opinion

Opinionated Diva said...

I don't know that I agree with the idea that women hate any differently than men. Especially since the closeness that women share...particularlr Black woman...is really strong.

I am always suspicious of any woman who only has male friends...who doesn't have atleast one FEMALE friend she can trust...makes me wonder if she's the one who can't be trusted

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

NO I AM NOT A HATER!!! In fact...I love the challenge of breaking a hating sistah down with love! That's all they need is love...they are haters because of insecurities...and past hurt...they need love!

I do not have any friends in my inner circle that I would be worried about having around my man...Praise God!

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

oh man...story of my life. i never got the chance to be a hater, since i was always the hated...and over the dumbest things ever!

of course we women look one another over...but if another woman is working it, i usually compliment her. if she's a hot piping mess, then i just keep it moving, who cares? never had the trust problem about my man tho. but i've been outcasted for my hair, my car, my bf, my now hubby, what we have as a family, my role as a sahm...just a shame. but it doesn't bother me anymore.

simply put, you can't please everyone...and if its women, they're almost always displeased so....fuh-gidd abowd it!

12kyle said...

@ ms.uncensored
Yes! Your man is right. Your "eye scans" might get him in a fight! LoL

@ Keith
Great minds think alike! LoL

I feel you. I've had females tell me things that they couldn't or wouldn't tell their best friend

@ Somebodies Friend
Sometimes they'll do it...in the presence of their man!!!!

@ Kin'shar
LoL @ u for hatin on the popular chick!!!

@ Mika
Good points! There definitely some insecurities out there. Those insecurities will hinder any relationship.

@ BorednTalkative
Dudes will always get along with the female that has those "tom boy" qualities. I feel you!!!

@ clnmike
Some females take it to that NEXT level! Can you imagine just hatin on anutha dude just as he walked into a room? LoL

12kyle said...

@ The F$%K it List
Women keep that "prolonged" hate going on. LoL

I can see you rollin your eyes!

@ Miz
Good point. I think it's hard for some women to accept a compliment.

Nice shoes, girl.

Why u lookin at my shoes???


@ dessex
I think their 11 second scan lasts for 22 seconds. LoL

@ OD
I think our hate is more subtle. A dude might hate on anutha dude for selfish reasons. For example...I might hate on Jermaine Dupri b/c I can't believe that pipsqueek is dating my first crush...Janet Jackson. I may say things like..."What does she see in him?" That's hate...but for selfish/playeristic reasons.

Some women hate for no damn reason at all! Lmao! You know I'm right, OD.

@ Keisha the Kitten
I could really see you breaking a hater down. Especially with the Word!

Noooooooo! Don't tell me that they hate on your hair! That's always funny to me. You'd almost never catch a dude doing that. LoL

Thanks for stoppin thru while you're on vacay.

The Jaded NYer said...

I scan (and photograph) others (male and female) on a daily... there may be a dose of hating in there from time to time, but I always end up checking myself- I can't be mad about what someone else has. If I happen to want the same thing I either need to work for it or if I can't then I need to get over it and move on.

But I also never divulge too much on the relationship front, not because I don't trust my female friends- they're all my friends for a reason and I'd trust them with my babies' lives- but because I was always taught that intimate things are private and no one's business and that YES, talk up your ish too much and someone else will begin to covet it.

And I don't want to be responsible for someone else coveting anything... jsut seems mean...

Trish said...

@ Miss Mika ..
"but those ladies who don't want their women around their men, has nothing to do with the woman, but her own insecurities. If you are with a good man, she has nothing to worry about."
I completely agree.

If you trust your man, even if your a trifling friend has the nerve to come on to him, you should be confident that your man will handle it and tell you.

I keep very few friends to begin with. I do not keep them from my man intentionally. I have a great man and Im never worried.

I have always had a bunch of male friends, just because guys tend to think that Im very cool and down to earth and feel that I dont think like most females. My male friends are drama free & easy going and thats the way I try to live my life.

Ever met some females that have more of a male mentality when it comes to most things?
They dont even involve themselves with catty-mess, material things, nonsense, etc. very drama free?
Thats me.

I have been hated on often, more times than I can count. I guess my confidence has alot to do with it. Women are a trip, if their mentality is not strong they tend to get insecure if they feel in their mind that you look better, your hair is nice, you drive a nice whip. what-ever !
Women tend to waste soooo much time on hating a sista without even knowing them, its ridiculous.

The one thing you have to be careful about when being a confident woman is that men will tend to be very attracted to you and thats when a friends man may come on to you or a guy that you look at as a freind wants to make it more than a friendship.

Then of course your hated on because the female doesnt see that her man just came on to you, all she thinks is that you must have done something to make her man come on to you.
Now you taking that come on to another level is when its wrong.

Eb the Celeb said...

I dont call it hating... I call it bringing things to light..

yes if I am out in the club and this chick walks by with some run over shoes... or she is too big to be wearing what she has on... then yes... I am clowning... but that's in my nature... I clown... and its not just women, it can be the so called pimp in the club, the drunk white boy... whoever... I dont discriminate...

but just blatant hate for no damn reason... that will never be me...

Opinionated Diva said...

LOL...you are so silly. I was a serious Janet stan back in the day.

You don't think men hate for no damn reason either? Think about it. I've seen dudes shoot at or get shot...for no damn reason other than the fact that someone looked at them and didn't like them...and for no damn reason.

Hating isn't gender specific.

Sexxy Luv said...

i don't hate on other women they usually hate on me.....i'm not sure why but they do, i'm usually judged by what a person can see before i even open my mouth. lol

i think women don't trust there friends around there man when he has cheated before, so the trust issue becomes a issue with every woman, not just friends.

Just Jasmine said...

I think a confident woman scans without hate.
I for one will scan a chick and i'm mostly checking for her shoes (i have an addiction) tehn like Eb teh celeb i'm clowing if its bad but i also give props when props are due.
I don't think not surrounding yourself with some women means you're insecure. You can do everything under the sun but if someone has thier mind to testing your relationship they will.

I just think women are more obvious with the scan.

and someone women live for that type of drama. You can see it in the way they walk/act/talk. its ridiculous.

Smarty Jones said...

Kyle, every woman has a friend they don't trust around their man. It's usually the ho friend and in most cases if you don't have a "ho-friend" you are the "ho-friend."
I'll tell you like I tell all my male friends, everything with women is about competition. When ya'll take us out or ya'll see us in a club or something, we don't dress up to look good for ya'll, we're dressing up to be hated on by other women. ;-)
If a chick looks at you and turns up her nose, it's like a small victory. She's saying, "OK, she looks alright, but not as good as me."
If she looks at you and turns up her nose or rolls her eyes, she's acknowledging that you look good and you have immediately put her on pins and needles.
The worst though is when you have hating friends, they'll tell you that you look good but when you leave they're going to talk about you to other friends.
As women, we have to feel like we are the best thing since sliced bread and you feel your best when you look your best.
Don't believe me? Ask any woman, she'll tell you that she dresses according to her emotions. When you feel bad, you aren't going to step your game all the way up.
You might pull your hair into a ponytail and put on some foundation and say "damn the lipstick."
But when you're feeling good, you look even better. So deep down, when we see a woman we think looks better than us, we automatically assume that she's happier than we are and we can't stand that.
Sorry for the book, but I had to prove a point.

The Jaded NYer said...

Oooh! I want to change my answer and co-sign with Smarty Jones!!! lol

She does make a good point, tho... I do like to look the best of anyone around and if I don't, I might have to hate!! lol

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Females are naturally competative people...maybe its due to our hormones (we have too many and we contain both estrogen and testerone) and what were told growing up.

Growing up for me, I never had a lot of female friends because I thought they were messy and full of shit.It wasn't until I went to college that it changed. I went to Spelman, and at first I wasn't too happy because not only was it all female, but it was all Black (and we all know how we can be). To be honest, it wasn't like I thought it would be. I dealt with more shit with my White friends than with my Black female friends.

Don't get me wrong...we weren't all shouting, "hey my Spelman Sister," all the time, and there were fights (rarely, but there were some), but it wasn't what I or anyone else thought it would be (fights all the time). The hating was more so undercover...girls sleeping with their friend's men behind their back (I had a friend who did it to her roommate's boyfriend), talking behind a girl's back, and black balling girls who wanted to join a certain sorority;around the time of Rush, things got crazy...too crazy (I must admit, it was fun to watch). I will say this, I now have more female friends compared to male friends, but I still find it hard to manage do to the changing attitudes of females.

One good thing about going to an all Black, woman's college...if you can make it in an environment filled with all Black women, you can make it anywhere :)

B said...

I feel like a celeb being mentioned on your blog post and all.

But uggghhhh...I haaate the way Black women treat each other. It's ri-damn-diculous and it ain't gettin' us anywhere. I can't tell you how many times I get that "She thank she all that," look from random Black females. And it's not like I walk around with heels looking drop dead gorgeous.

I have combated this "look" by smiling back at the sista. I have no reason to "hate" on anyone. Dammmit sis, if your outfit is fly, I'm going to tell you. I don't know we think we BOTH can't be lookin' good. I don't even see the point of "scanning" each other. WTF are you looking for? It's one think to look at someone's shoes and be like, "Those are cute..." but to do the top-down scan? I don't get it.

Tha L said...

i think, IN GENERAL, women hate on each other because we often learn the hard way that some women are not worthy of our trust. OR, we get screwed over by the men in our lives and inappropriately project the hate onto the women instead of placing the blame where it really belongs.

YES, there are certain women i don't trust around my man. like the one homegirl who had an affair with her sister in law's husband. yup, that ho is NOT allowed anywhere near my shit. but at least i have a reason...


xcentricgem said...

Personally, I think both men and women are haters. However, there is something to be said about men being full of 'haterade' if P. Diddy had to start a movement about 'Bitchassness!' .. The unfortunate thing is that hatin' is tied to something that's not right in someone's life at the time.
My man and friends... Over a period of time I think WOMEN have the desire to keep something sacred between themselves and their man .. so the friend may get 'tidbits' but not the whole story. When intimacy is real .. there is the desire to keep that butterfly in your gut all to yourself ....

12kyle said...

@ Jaded Santana
Well stated. Sometimes you can create a picture of a person that would cause intrigue for someone else to check into.

@ Trish
Great points. At the end of the day, you've gotta trust your man.

And yes...you are a good friend and you're definitely "drama free". LoL

@ Eb
I think we all clown those who rock "busted gear". I'm talkin about when you see that chick who is a stunna! And she turns every head in the room.

@ OD
I agree with that. Hating is hating. However, I'm not gonna shoot at a man. That's iggggnant! LoL. Some men are ignorant like that. I think we all can agree on that.

@ Sexxy Luv
I hear you. So is it the female who isn't to be trusted or is it the male????

@ Just Jasmine
Haaaaa! You're right. That "scan" is very obvious! Y'all are very obvious with it, too! LoL

12kyle said...

@ Smarty Jones
Excellent points. Lemme play the other side of the fence...

As a men, we have homies who are hoes or dogs. But we trust that those homies won't step to our woman, so that's not a concern of ours. It's a respect thing. He knows that it's a line that he should NEVER cross. I just don't know if a female can say the same. Maybe I'm wrong. Do you see what I mean?

@ Jaded Santana
Look at you...in the amen corner. LoL

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
I agree with you. If you can deal with the drama at Spelman...then you've got one step up on everybody else.

Question...do you think a white chick would "cross you" quicker than a sista would?

@ B

You both can be fly...just not in her eyes. In her eyes...you are the competition.

@ L
An affair with her sister in law's hubby? Whoa!!! Talk about bold! Well, she won't try you. We allllll know that L don't take no shit! Hahahahaha

@ xcentricgem
Welcome to the 12th Planet! Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here every day...hangin out like wet clothes

I agree. Some things you HAVE to keep to yourself.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

No, I don't think a White chick would cross me quicker than a sista, but a sista would be more direct, in-your-face, confrontational...she will tell you to your face "you ain't shit, and what?" A White chick would say things behind your back, start rumors, then when you confront her, she would lie and act like she is the victim while you're the "Angry Black B*tch," causing people to look at you, when the whole time she was the one starting dramma...that's what I dealt with with my White "friends/associates."

Stew said...

something that i notice just from scanning your comments is that most women are saying that they are not haters. if that were true then you would have nothing to write about.

something else to think about. "hating" does not necessarily have to mean that you dislike a person. it can mean that you have made judgements on a person for no apparent reason. in this right, everyone is a hater, and a pretty bad one at that. but it goes without saying that women do it much more fiercely than men do. you hear it all the time, "who she think she is wearing that" or "you know she only with him for his money". stuff like that

Stew said...

something that i notice just from scanning your comments is that most women are saying that they are not haters. if that were true then you would have nothing to write about.

something else to think about. "hating" does not necessarily have to mean that you dislike a person. it can mean that you have made judgements on a person for no apparent reason. in this right, everyone is a hater, and a pretty bad one at that. but it goes without saying that women do it much more fiercely than men do. you hear it all the time, "who she think she is wearing that" or "you know she only with him for his money". stuff like that

Kieya said...

I think everyone's a hater on some level even if its for a quick second or a slight twinge, it may not be outrageous but its there, we're human - its apart of life. We've all made quick judgments about others without really knowing anyone. But I think alot of it comes from misunderstanding/not knowing someone. Women don't take it to a whole nother level - we're just different from men...in the same sense of how men & women tend to handle emotions differently. Its no better, or no worse.

And I think if you have people close to you that you can't trust, then they aren't there for you and they shouldn't be there.

ShellyShell said...

I think at some point in life every woman has been a hater. It's a matter if you grew out of it or not. A lot of women at my job have not learned that lesson!

I have no problem telling a woman that she's rockin' hot shoes or has a fly hair cut! I think it's cool when a woman says it to me!

Something that Smarty Jones said "Don't believe me? Ask any woman, she'll tell you that she dresses according to her emotions. When you feel bad, you aren't going to step your game all the way up." That right there isn't me at all! When I feel bad I step my game up but one thing is I'm NEVER leaving my house without killa stilletos! Only flat shoe I own are my running shoes!

Bam said...

I can't read all those comments. Gee damn. So if I am repeating, disregard me.

Women hate on each other for many reasons. Number one in my opinion is because we want to feel like we are the best. And when we notice another woman, we notice first what we think other men will like about her, and if it seems like more than what we like about ourselves, or next reaction is to emphasize all the things that we dislike about her.. Even those we have made up just in a glance.

It's also in a womans nature to point out things about herself that the other woman doesn't have. For example, I am quite sure at least half these posts from women are saying, "I don't hate on women..." We, meaning women, like to be distinguished from other women, therefore we point out what we think separates us from the others. In this post you generalize about women so many women will try to separate themselves from that generalization.

At the end of the day, it comes from men (or I should say our intimate partners). We do what we do because we look at how people we date are interested in look at certain characteristics other women have that we may or may not.

Now - why women aren't FRIENDS with each other - I think the reason behind that is separate from case to case. In my case I encounter Pretty Girl Syndrome alot... (search that title on my site for an explanation of what that is).

But I love a great chick friend, they just come and go like the snow.


Charece said...

LOL It's funny you asked this because the other day me and a couple of my friends hung out wit a couple of our guy friends and these really tacky girls walked past they were extremely tacky.

One had this long blond weave down her back this caked up makeup on, these really shinny pants that looks as if they were cutting off her circulation and these stripper shoes and her freind had on a simular outfit and they look very uncomforatble. The minute she wallked by us and my friends were like "what in the?"(that just a phrase we say to get each others attention about someone good or bad)...and for me it was just a normal reaction for me to say that cause it was unbelievable to me that women still dressed like that especially in Philly. So one of my guy frineds was like "why do girls do that yall are hating" and it wasn't that we were hating because none of us has the desire to look like that because it's a very tacky and distastful way to look.

We explained to both the guys we were with why we reacted the way we did and proceeded to ask him how he felt about there oufits and his response was "I didn't even see them, but girls always gotta do that". So the conversation went on for a while about women hating and the two women walked by again and his response was are those the girls yall were talking about....How would he have know that they were the same idividuals we were talking about if he hadn't seen them the first time? He simply went by our description of tackness and pointed them out why because deep down inside he felt the same way, that they indeed looked tacky.

I rest my case. So that just goes to show that men "hate" too they're just not as verbal or reactive about it as women are. Sometimes all you gotta do is look at a women facial expression to know what she's thinking but men as they are in evey situation hold it in, you can never tell what a man is thinking unless it has to do with either sports or sex.

So it has nothing to do with women being caddy or jealous we are just more expressive than men we say the shit yall are thinking and that's the truth.

CapCity said...

just comin' thru to say Hi HATAHS! LOL! I'm just playin'...

I don't know - but who ever can find the solution will be richer than midas! Cuz whew, that female thang is deep. I'm so glad that I'm over 30 & my closest friends are REALLY FRIENDS - no longer just a bunch of girlz who I "hang out with"... We grown azz women NOW! LOL!

CurvyGurl said...

I think there are many reasons why, but they all boil down to good ol' fashioned INSECURITY. A woman who is comfortable with who she is won't see things in other women worth being envious of. My train of thought is...if that chic can do/have it, so can I.. I wish it didn't exist but it does big time.

12kyle said...

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
Gotcha! I see where you're coming from

@ Stew
LMAO!!!!! Stew, you are sooooo observant bruh. I couldn't have said it better myself!!

@ Kieya
I think you're on point. We all have a lil hate in us...no matter how much we wanna deny it. LOL

@ ShellyShell
Killa stillettos! LOL!!! Those are the ones that you went back into the burning building for? lmao!!!! I hear you!!!

@ Bam
Good point. I used a generalization and that was not my intent to "lump" all females under that category.

@ Charece
Yes! We do hate. I cant deny that. I think in this case...the hate was deserved! LOL. Juss kiddin. Good points, tho

@ CapCity
being grown has a lot to do with how we act or don't act!

@ Curvygurl
That's a great way of thinking

beauty jackson said...

wow. great post. i'm here via tha l's blog, and i'm so glad i came.

i think women have a lot of shit with them. however, i also think men have a lot of shit with them. my point is, just because we both have ovaries, that doesn't mean we're going to be the bosom-buddy sister friends.

my circle of friends is small, but not because "women can't be trusted," but because trust is to be earned and friendships are to be cultivated. if you're handing out the friendship card like those old school AOL cds, you can't get mad when you come across a tack head trick that tells your business and tries to sex your man. it was your choice to embrace homegirl untested. it's like camping out in front of a prison, then wondering, "why is it every time i meet a man, he's just gotten out of jail?"

as far as talking my relationship business, i keep that to a minimum for two reasons:
1) the good: i believe that, intimacy should be, well, intimate. it's not anyone else's business, and my personal belief is that too much info is rather juvenile.
2) the bad: constant negative chatter about one's man ultimately leads to "you need to kick his ass to the curb," whether it's justified or not. if you need advice, that's why you have older auties or whatever. homegirls that are the same age as me can't tell me jack about preserving my relationship, because they're on the same level as me. so it strikes me as unnecessary jaw jacking.

that being said, though i am a bit surly and rough around the edges, i genuinely like people. all types of people, so i don't make time to hate. of course, since i'm not perfect, i occasionally find myself slipping some hateration in my dancerie, but i think i'm pretty good about being quick to correct it. most of us just want to be understood, so if someone rubs me the wrong way, i try to make an effort to see where that person is coming from. i'm 32 and to date, there's not one person that i consider an enemy.

(hope you can forgive me for blogging in your comments section)