Friday, May 6, 2011

juss friendz

Are we products of our environment?

Are we victims of circumstance?

Maybe we're somewhere in between?

Relationships are a funny thing when you think about it. Especially when it comes to marriage. You have a man. You have a woman. These two people grew up separately and have lived vastly different lives. They find some commonalities within each other that brings them together. They grow close. Love ensues. Then they decide to spend the rest of their ENTIRE lives together and expect it to work. Sounds perfect, right?



I'm being funny but you get my point. I was having a conversation with a good female friend of mine and we were discussing marriage. During the conversation, I realized how "different" some of my views were on marriage. These views were shaped by the marriage that I saw crumble right before my eyes. My parents divorced when I was 14. It came as a total shock. One day we were a happy family. The next day, they sat me and my younger brother down to tell us that they were getting a divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks. They never ARGUED and yet they were splitting up? You don't understand how things are when you're that young. You learn as you get older. I've done a 10 yr bid in this marriage thing. LOL. I've learned some valuable lessons over the years. Marriage is hard. It's work. It's work...even when you don't wanna work. Just like love. Love is the ultimate verb. It's something you DO. Marriage is rewarding, tho. I hear people talk all the time about wanting to get married. There's nothing wrong with that. The question you want to PUT IN THE WORK?? It's like saying..."I want to be in the NFL". But if you're not willing to get your body in shape, then it's all pointless.

My parents had a messy divorce. Dad got married again. Mom is still single. I don't think they were ever the friends that you need to be when they got married. Did they rush into it? I dunno...I wasn't here. I can't say that they hated each other when it was over but there was some extreme dislike. But a funny thing happened some 13 yrs later...they became grandparents. It was then that they had something in common. They went from being distant strangers to grandparents who marveled with pride about their new grandson. I laugh at them now. They talk all of time. Safe to say they are friends now. Last year, they came to my house to celebrate Deion's 5th grade graduation. They actually stayed under the same roof...for the first time in more than 25 yrs.

Friendships should come before marriage. A strong friendship is the foundation. Always keep that in mind.

As for my parents, it came after marriage. And I'm cool with that.


Tee Reese said...

Outstanding post... being one who's now divorced, but wanted to put in the work and learned the hard way it takes 2 with a sound mind to do the necessary to see it through.. Now, a divorced dad who did find someone else to love but 'Once again' faced with the seemingly unsurmountable obstacle of being on the same page of wanting to put in the work.

June 20 I'll turn 44 and it absolutely sucks! To be filled with a love that just not allowed to manifest and continue to grow. Lmbo! Sorry I'm using your blog to vent but I'm one tired but persistent, persevering individual who feels like throwing in the towel YET the dreamer in me simply look forward to the day I'll have that special someone who will see the bigger picture and hurdle life's obstacles with me. And yes the dreamer in me truly feels like this last love is THE ONE. I wish she can see it as vividly as I do 'in spite' of the challenges.

Okay, I'm done.. I think! Still LMBO through the pain of it all! I had this on my mind for more than 24 hours straight since I didn't get any SLEEP last night.. the tank is on E, yet I'm still wide awake! 2:37 am!!!

But back to your post... I agree with being friends first.. that's what I found in this last love and I'm missing that greatly too.

12kyle said...

Great comments, Tee.

I think men don't get enough credit for looking for love and believing in it.

Mizrepresent said...

Great post 12kyle...whew, so much to say. I often wondered how my divorce would affect my children and to say that for at least one of them it was pretty hard. I believe he and i are finally bouncing back after many years of pain, neglect and lost. Just like your dad, his dad remarried and just like your mom, i am still single (lol, what's up with that?) Me and my ex don't really talk, although i have nothing against him and yet we just can't seem to have a working relationship or friendship at this time. Perhaps there is a harboring of ill feelings, and no closure...i don't know, i think i'm gonna look forward to the grandkids and hope that helps. On another note, everything you said about marriage is true, marriage is work, and so i believe it's something you don't go into lightly, if in love or not. Me and my ex fell in love first, friends second...i know better really have to like someone first and perhaps be a better friend, that relationship is bound to grow!

Happy Mothers Day to Mrs12K and Momma12K!

Jazzy said...

Great post...I think a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons - because they reach a certain age, because they have this fairytale dream of the wedding (and not the hard work necessary for a marriage), because they've been together long enough and feel its time, etc. etc.

Like you said...friendship SHOULD be the reason.

@Tee Reese - keep pushing man! I hope it all works out for you.

12kyle said...

@ Miz
I hope that you and your ex will be able to have a working relationship. Grandkids will definitely change things. If my parents can be friends again, ANYBODY can!

@ Jazz
That is so true. Too many folks get caught up in the wedding. You'd better be prepared to put in the work!

Tee Reese said...

@Kyle, Thanks again for the great share and you're right.. there are some of us who do look and cherish it.

Thanks Jazzy, it's appreciated, the well wishes.