Thursday, March 5, 2009

iz she too close???

This is not a relationship blog.

However, I think that I know people pretty well and I know a lil bit about relationships. Over the last few weeks, there have been some discussions here about different topics about relationships. I like that. Today will be no different.

After watching the movie Brown Sugar for the 925th time, I had to ask the question...

Can a woman be too close to YOUR man?

What happens when he has a close female friend before you meet? I think men and women can have plutonic relationships. You know...FRIEND ZONE relationships. However, what do you do when she knows everything about YOUR man?

Should YOU try to be close to her so that YOU can keep an eye on her?

Hmmm....

Hollatchaboi!!!

28 comments:

Angel said...

In the past I have known to be a jealous type of girl and if the 'friend' is too close I hate it
But now I have matured and feel secure in my relationship, no woman could know my man the way I do.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

I have a good male friend who I have known for almost 20 years. I knew him before he met his wife and she did have issues with our friendship at first.

I stepped back from the friendship and let her get comfortable with it. If you are truly a friend you don't want to cause your friend any additional headaches. You are the friend not the lover. (In this case, right?)

I agree with Angel. I know him on a friend level but she knows him much better on a different level. If things are on the up and up there shouldn't be any reason for insecurities.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

I don't think people should have to give up their friendships when they get in a relationship. However, there should be a respect level there.

I have a few close guy friends and when they get in relationships I know things will change so I allow for that change to happen by stepping back a little bit. Plus I'm cool like that so more than likely I will be friends with their woman too. When you are respectful with your boundaries, the significant other is less likely to be insecure about the friendship. I think it all boils down to respectful and appropriate interactions with your friend of the opposite sex!

MzInspiredMind81 said...

I have to agree w/ the other posters. I think I'm secure enough to realize ok, she may know him in a 'BFF kinda way' but I know him in a different way and wouldn't feel the least bit slighted. Hmm..unless there was some 'questionable activity'.

Pro said...

i made MP 86 all his knew too damn much about him friends from high school. in retrospect, i was kinda wrong for that because i'm the first to admit that i like my friendships i cultivate with people outside of MP. the thing about me is that i'm mad transaparent so MP knows them like he's friends with 'em because i end up sharing with him everything (well not my BFF relationships; some things said with your BFF friend girl is not for a man to hear nor will he understand). But it's funny you ask this because i am becoming pretty tight with a dude i met at the gym (i've been seeing him and we started talking months ago). The thing is that he's gay. I love gay men. It's like having a girlfriend you can look at and brag about how cute they are. MP finally mey him this past weekend when we ran into him and his guy friend at the grocery. MP said he wouldnt have EVER guessed he wasn't straight. Which leads me to the fact that he wants to see Madea Goes to Jail and said none of his friends would want to see that with him, so i offered to go with him (he knows ive already seen it). i ran this by MP and he is cool with it. But, i am questioning what others may think. i wouldnt want to run into anyone and they think im doing some fowl shit being out and about wiht another dude. riddle me that. how would you react to mrs12 having an attractive GBF who she hung out with on occasion?

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I would try to make her my best friend as well. Obviously, trying to come between their relationship will cause friction because they will both look at me as if I'm the enemy. So, in order to be the enemy without looking like one, I will try to make her my best friend as well...making me know everything about her, making me know where she is because she will mostly be hanging out with me when I'm not with my man. This way, my true motive won't be obvious, for he will be happy that I'm wanting to get to know her, and she will be happy because I won't seem like the jealous girlfriend/wife. The old saying is true, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Ra said...

I have always had more male friends than female friends, but I would never claim to know more about them than their significant others.

It would not bother me if my husband had a close female friend. Even if he met her after he met me. As long as he was open and honest about it. I don't need to know what they talk about. I think everyone needs a confident that's not their significant other, even if the person is of the opposite sex. I love and trust him, so as long as they stay within the boundaries (no late night phone calls, secret meetings, spending time with her that takes away from me or family), I'm ok with it.

I think Kay C said it best. A true friend should know to hang back until the S.O. is comfortable with the situation. Any person (male or female) who isn't willing to do that is after more than just a friendship.

The Jaded NYer said...

I would stay giving that heifer the SIDE EYE, but I would also recognize that it's all on me & I'd need to get over it- they were friends before I came along and if he hasn't given me reason to doubt him then I would just have to chill.

Still... I'd keep an eye on that trick...

Emily said...

I agree with mzinspiredmind. I would trust that everything was ok, unless there was some "questionable activity." I'm not so jealous I won't let my DH have any friends, but just jealous enough to keep an eye on the situation.

Smarty Jones said...

Alright, I have somewhat of a skewed perspective on this now.
I'm reading Steve Harvey's book and it's sort of clouding my judgement right now.
Anyway, I have been that said friend that the chicks hate. If he says we're friends, trust me, that's all we are.
Now if the two used to date, watch that chick like a hawk because there is still something there that they could not let go of and that's why they are still "friends."
But if they are just cool, a brother/sister type of deal then I wouldn't worry about it.
Of course, in a male/female friendship, at some point during the friendship, one of you will look at the other and think that there's a possibility that he/she might be your Neo (the one) but then something will happen to jerk your lonely ass back into reality.
If that attraction was mutual, then that might be a problem because all they need then is a reason and an opportunity.
For example, if you find out that they had a mutual attraction, don't throw it in his face. Don't ask him if he was with "his bitch" or if she is one of "his hoes."
Then you've given him a reason and if they hang out on a regular, there's your opportunity.
Ask both of them whether or not they've ever been attracted to each other. Don't be stank about it but ask seperately.
A word of advice that I won't charge you for, if your man's best friend is a chick, she could be an asset or she can be your worse nightmare.
If you get to know her and she likes you, then you have both his ears. If not, it's like fighting the never-ending battle of good and evil.
Sorry for the post. :)

Muze said...

lmao @ jaded.

i feel the SAME way.

i mean... i have guy friends and when they get a girl i know that you sometimes have to step back and allow the woman to get used to you and the idea of you all having a platonic friendship.

i'm okay with mine having a close female friend as long as it doesn't cross that line.

and like jaded... i WILL keep a close eye on things. lmao.

TravelDiva said...

Not a fan of my man having close female friends, particularly one that knows too much. Go find a good male buddy. LOL.

The F$%K it List said...

I have a lot of male friends and until the women in their lives actually spent time with me they were always giving me the side eye and getting all silly (which I would just laugh at).

As for my hubby, he had one platonic girlfriend and I could not stand her at one point because she was always around. Then one day I spoke to her about it and she was like Oh my B! After that I had no issues. She passed away a few years ago and he was crushed and I because we had come to an understanding it was hard for me too.

Keith said...

I think that depends on what you might suspect this other woman is capable of. A lot of times with platonic relationships..when one of the partners gets hooked up, there can be feelings of jealousy and possesiveness on the part of the other party. Especially if they've both been close and without a partner for a long time.
There can sometimes be a bit of unrequited love there.

Mature individuals understand and respect their friend's new relationship...therefor making it unnecessary for the new woman to have to "check her or get close to her to keep an eye on her."

This can go both ways..Sometimes guys can really get possesive when their BFF gets a man.. (Been there,done that)

Like Kay C. said- You gotta fall back from the "friendship" and allow your friend to get comfortable in their new relationship.

12kyle said...

@ Angel
I hear you! So, you're ok with it now that you're mature enough to handle it? I can dig it!

@ Kay C The Quiet Storm
Good points. Do you think things would have been different if you didn't step back?

@ keisha the kitten
How would you handle it if the chick was close to your man???

@ MzInspiredMind81
Lmao @ "questionable actvitity"

Ok...devils advocate...what if she was drop dead fine? Would you be a lil worried???

@ Pro
I think if MP is ok with it, then you should go. I think a lot depends on the fact that he's gay. If he were straight, he aint going for it.

I wouldn't have a problem with Mrs12 having male friends. She just doesn't have a lot of em. She's got 2 and I'm real cool with them. I knew em from school. Now that we're married...no more male friends, dammit!!! Lmao!

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
I really like that approach. I can't argue with that

@ Ra
Boundaries are sooooo necessary. Great points, Ra

@ Jaded Santana
LMAO @ U!!!!!! U stoooooopid!

@ Emily
LoL!!! Just don't let that jealousy take over! I feel u!

@ Smarty
Dopeness! I can't follow u up! LoL. Great points

@ Muze
Ohhh lawd...isn't she crazy???

@TravelDiva
LoL!!! Ohhhh lawd! Look at u!


@ The F$%K it List
Sounds like a lesson was learned! I know that had to be tough on him

@ Keith
Mannnnn, I've been down that road too. It's always funny b/c you see it happening right in front of you but there's not much that can be done to prevent it. It's all about maturity.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Kyle,

I know things would have been different if I hadn't stepped back. She was questioning our friendship and what type of relationship it was from the beginning. That was the first thing that caused me to step back.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

If they have been friends for a long time...it's expected that they would be close....again....it's about boundaries...Now if she's expecting him to escort her to weddings, calling him at midnight when she knows we are together, acting sneaking and stank...that would be an issue...respect and boundaries is very important!

eclectik said...

Nah...

If they were there before me, that's what it is.

If they had something going on I should've picked up on it before they were with me...or if something happens, I bounce.

simple for me

e.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

i cant answer since i dont get down with nmen . buttarah have a great weekend rawdawgbuffalo

L. Renee' said...

It really depends on whether the friend has respect for you and the relationship. If she does then it shouldn't be any issues with overstepping boundaries etc. But..if she doesn't then that's where the problem begins. The character in Brown Sugar clearly wanted more than just friendship. Therefore, she was always in the middle. That situation would never work for me. I would walk away instead of making him choose.

Katrina said...

Yes I think a woman can get too close to your man. I guess the reason I think this way is because I am lucky enough to have a fiance who has been my best friend for many years, so there have not been any other women that have been close in his life. If there was I would be jealous, but maybe because I have been so spoiled.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Yep, keep her close. Why not, if you're secure in your relationship? I'm intuitive so the things I pick up may be different from what appears on the surface.

I will say though, if we're talking close as in used to be friends with benes that's a different story. To me, it's not about jealousy, but human nature and the power that's created through soul ties (aka sex...lol). Sure, you can cut off emotions, etc. but all it takes is one moment of weakness and it's ooops, we didn't mean to. And, then I will keep both of them close as in pull a Chris Breezy on that a*s...lol...sorry, couldn't help myself :-).

12kyle said...

@ Kay C The Quiet Storm
I feel you. I guess it worked out for the best!

@ Keisha the Kitten
LMAO @ U!!!!

@ e
I agree 100%

@ rawdawgbuffalo
Same 2 u

@ LRenee
You'd walk away? I hear you. That's very hard to do and would be very big on your part

@ Katrina
Welcome to the 12th Planet! Make sure that you come back. We have a good time over here. We're here everyday...like bad traffic

I like it when a woman can admit that she would be jealous! :)

@ CurvyGurl
Awwww man!!! LMAO!!!! You have me over here rollin!!!! Stoooooopid!

Katrina said...

Hey! Thanks for coming by and commenting. The only reason I thought it would be salient to blog about and agree with is because I can relate. Im engaged to a pro football player and its true, they are free a lot. I don't know how it would be to include the celebrity into it, but it thought it was funny of her to say that.

A.M. said...

ahh hell to the yea u should, try to be friends wih her that is. Let's be serious man, i've never had a male friend who didn't wanan be with me. The only reason we're friends now is because i was like, "ahh no."

it's fine when you get into a relationship and ya man has a close female friend though...alrighty.

The way i see it, if it's not getting in the way of my time, i'm a-okay.

12kyle said...

@ Katrina
No problem! I like your blog. Congrats to you and your fiancee. I know about the demands of the NFL b/c my uncle played there for 13 yrs. He didn't get married until he was retired. It's extremely demanding. It sounds like you have a great friendship and that's a great foundation for a marriage.

@ A.M
I think a lot of women take your approach. They are cool as long as the friend knows her place. Can't be mad at that.

Mizrepresent said...

You know i have some really close male friends...and yet, if i was dating someone and he had this gf so close, it would make me a tad bit nervous, for real...case in point i met this guy at a restaurant, he was with his best gf, and we were like just getting to know each other...best gf was making jokes, but i could tell that she wasn't happy about him flirting or getting with me...and after a few phone calls, he gets ghost...so what am i saying, i rather meet someone who has no best gfs.

Eb the Celeb said...

I think you have to be secure enough to not always want to be around just because she is there. You have to trust your man. The problem with that movie is that they were in love with each other beforehand. You have to hope that your man isn't and that they truly are just friends.

I say be you, and if you and her click than great but if not, definitely dont try to force a friendship just because she's your man's friend.

I have plenty of male friends so I understand it when a dude I am dating has a close female friends. I have also dated the man whose female friend wanted him for herself but he wasn't feeling her. In that situation I think the man needs to really regulate the situation so that his girl isn't insecure about it.

Ok i'm done!