Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I don't know Chris Brown. I really had no idea that the kid was THIS popular. I mean, I had heard a song or two. I saw him in Stomp the Yard and This Christmas. But I don't know him personally. Nor do I know Rihanna. I told myself that I'd stay away from commenting on their situation until the facts came out. Well, after reading that police report...I had to say something. I've never hit a woman. I don't know what makes a battered woman go back to an abusive man. I don't know what makes a junkie go back to smoking crack everyday. Instead of talking about 2 celebrities who I don't know...I'll talk about a situation that happened to me and some people that I know.

(true story...the names were changed to protect the innocent and guilty)

Two years ago, Mrs12 had decided to throw a 30th birthday party for herself at our home. We invited friends and family from all over to celebrate. We had anticipated at least 50 people to be there. One of the invitees was Mrs12's best friend, Paulina. They had been best friends since they were small children. I have known Paulina since I started dating Mrs12. I was very fond of her. I always liked the tight bond that they shared. My wife doesn't have a sister but Paulina is the closest thing that she had to a sister. In the months leading up to the party, the friendship was changing. Paulina, who had 2 children from a previous relationship, was now dating Todd. Mrs12 had only been around Todd a few times but she didn't like him. She didn't think that he was right for Paulina. She wasn't going to interfere in Paulina's quest for happiness but she just didn't think that he was her type.

Just before the party got started, Paulina and Todd arrived. They drove 5 hours from South Carolina. I greeted Todd at the door with a firm handshake/half hug. It was the first time that I had met the dude and I wanted him to know that everything was cool even though he probably knew that wifey didn't like him. I also gave Paulina a big hug. She looked happy. After about 20 people have arrived, I noticed that Todd was sitting alone in a corner. This was a party and he wasn't socializing. I understand that he didn't know anybody there but I found that to be strange. I knew that I'd have to keep an eye on him.

Thirty minutes later, Joey walks in. Joey is one of Mrs12's cousin's. He's a month older than her. They grew up together and are very close. Joey also knows Paulina very well. He grew up with her, too. I'm sure that he probably viewed Paulina as a lil sister. After getting comfortable, Joey starts cracking jokes with Paulina. Very innocent. They laughed. There was no sexual innuendo. She was having fun. Apparently, Todd thought that she was having too much fun. He was still sitting in the corner but now he was getting pissed. He asked Paulina to step outside so that he could talk to her. She did.

Todd was pissed off but he decided to take his frustrations out of the house...away from the other guests. While they were outside, he began to yell at her and accuse her of a bunch of things. Then...he PUNCHED her in the face. TWICE. In my front yard!!! Paulina ran into the house...with a busted lip...and yelled for Mrs12 to call the police. When Mrs12 saw that she had been punched, she raced to the door to FIGHT HIM!!! Luckly, one of her cousins grabbed her before she could get to him outside. Joey ran outside to get him but Todd drove off and left. We were in shock. Paulina was crying. Mrs12 was crying. It was a tough spot to be in because she had come to Atlanta with this dude and he beats on her and leaves. The police came and she gave a statement to them and filed a report. She was embarrassed...hurt...wondering how she was gonna get back to S.Carolina.

I paused...then I said what I felt..."Paulina, is this the 1st time that he's hit you?" She replied yes. I told her that I didn't think it was. I don't know much about domestic violence but I know people. I know how people act and how they think. For him to do that hundreds of miles away from home, in front of strangers...let me know alot about him. Domestic violence is about a punch, slap, or kick. But it's also about mentally dominating someone. It's about removing someone's self esteem and self worth. It's about control. The control is re-inforced with the violence. Paulina never had high self esteem. In my opinion, she spent a lot of time trying to "outdo" her friends. That stuff doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you have on the inside.

In less than a year, Todd went to jail (child support) and then came home. Later on that year, Paulina married Todd. Why did she go back? Ignorance...yeah. Stupidity...probably. I can't answer it. I know that she and Mrs12 aren't close like they used to be. Paulina will usually call her every 5 or 6 months. I used to feel bad for Mrs12 because she lost her best friend.

But Paulina has lost so much more.



Smarty Jones said...

Deep stuff, man. Deep. I have never been abused, but I know women who have been and there's one common thing among them and that is the need to feel loved.
You, F$%k It List and I had this convo via Twitter yesterday, but my pregnant cousin was beat up last weekend by her husband.
It wasn't the first time. My own sister was in about three abusive relationships right behind each other. As I said on one of my posts last month, I witnessed another one of my cousins being beat up by her then husband.
The common thread between these women in my family is most definitely the lack of love shown to them by their fathers and their need to latch on to somebody to fill that void. They were willing to do just about anything to get it and endure everything to keep it.
I can only speak about the situations I know about, but if I had to say one thing to you fathers, love your daughters, show them and tell them and that way they won't look for it in all the wrong places.

Anonymous said...

That's a shame. My mum was in an abusive marriage for years, to my sister's father. I wasn't born yet so I didn't witness it firsthand but my sister and brother did. However I did witness the time an angry ex attacked my mum at our front door. I couldn't believe it.

I agree with Smarty Jones though, these women want to be loved and unfortunately they associate the violence with love. It really is a shame.

I can kinda understand what makes them stay. They have such a low view of themselves that they don't think they deserve better. And then the abuser turns on the charm and makes them think it will never happen again. I thought that the first time my boyfriend in high school hit me. But then it happened again and that's when I knew I had to leave. Luckily, I got out before it got worse.

Darius T. Williams said...

Wow - so sad. See, homosexuality ain't like that. Can you see another dude trying to punch me - I'm 6'4" and 300 pounds - nah son....ain't gonna happen.

I want Paulina to wake up - for real.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Battered Wife Syndrome is called that for a reason.

You are right in saying it does not start with punches. It starts with small things. Controlling things that most people label as "cute" and "checking on me" or "having my best interest at heart."

I was involved with someone who was emotionally abusive and I can see him turning that into punches. But, it took many years before I could even admit to anyone that he was abusive. Everyone thought (and still does) that he is a golden child.

Abusive people shut you off from your world so that you depend on them and have no one else to lean on. Then they break you down so that you believe what they tell you. It is a horrible mind game that takes so much strength to get out of.

I was ashamed to admit it to my friends, but they already knew. I thought how could I be educated and smart and still wind up in a relationship that was so toxic? He blamed me for his anger and many years I believed it. I hope Mrs. Kyle's friend eventually finds the strength the walk away.

Sorry for the post...

Keith said...

I've never seen it fail....They always go back to those type of guys because the guy convinces them that nobody else will take them. That's the thing about mental domination that you were talking about. Either that or the woman is what I call a "fixer" She gravitates around the type of guy she thinks she can "fix' or make right. We of course know that that never happens...They never fix the abuser.

I wasn't surprised when you said that Paulina married this guy...and I'm sure he has hit her since and she has made excuses for his doing so too.

It's a damn shame...I just can't understand it.

12kyle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Brother!

So sad that she married him knowing that he was abusive....I think the first sign that a friend is in an abusive relationship is when she becomes isolated....An abusive person is good for removing his victim from family and friends....I just pray that God will heal all women who suffer from low self esteem...I pray they will learn they are worthy of real love and respect...And I pray for the abusers who too lack self-esteem....it's a sad situation....

You did a great job of telling this story Bro!!

The Jaded NYer said...

You can't help someone who won't help themselves... I don't waste my time with it, honestly.

I have an aunt- AMAZON of a woman- and she let her husband put his hands on her. We all could tell as kids and she's still with him today. What can you do if they're willing to put up with it?

I dare some fool put his hands on me... guys like that know who they can't and can do ish like that to. We have to ALL be the kind of women that would NEVER let a man get away with such behavior. People will always do to you just as much as you let them get away with.

And that's all I have to say.

Pro said...

kyle. i dont want to start by attacking the first thing i read within the comments because im not here to argue anyone's opinion. however, i think too many people have an opinion about the subject/issue of DV (which, again is fine), but they preface it by stating the obvious, "i have never been abused or a victim of..." i say its obvious because they conclude that most victims of DV are looking to "feel loved."

let's take a brief look at some popular cases and an unpopular person's (basically me, not being a superstar) situations. clearly Ri is loved by both family and fans, as well as (im certain) Chris declared his love one time or another. I read the articles from some of her family members and heard of stories of her father's undying love for his ri-ri. obviously there is no need to "feel loved." tina appeared to be loved by her fans as well. what we saw in the movie was a depiction of her and ike's tumultuous relationship, yet we can figure there was love there. granted none of (our) cases meant that the love wasnt genuine cause we all hear the cliche "love doesnt hurt." and then there is mrs12's friend. she was loved by mrs12 and a host of people surrounding them growing up im sure. finally, i know my mother loved me dearly. hell, in my mind's eye i loved myself too. but you see, the struggle came from within. i struggled with why i was allowing myself to be abused when i never witnessed any such behavior from ANYONE in my family. i did, however, have a close girlfriend whom everyone knew it was happening to as well (all this during high school). i didn't judge her and even found myself comparing our situations. i was an only child, from a single-parent home while she grew up with an older sister, and both her parents. they were a middle class family to boot. so why did we allow ourselves to stay caught up in this tangled web of abuse? why did paulina go on to marry this dude? why is ri back in the arms of chris and facing the media's onset of public scrutiny? why did halle beautiful berry endure abusive relationships?

there are no two answers alike. until you reach your breaking point enough is enough fed up alladat, you stay. we are not gods tryna fix these men. atleast i wasnt. i knew there were plenty of guys who would date me if i exited the relationship (and did). it has a LOT (in my opinion) to do with the men. for me i feared my abusive boyfriend, but then there was a side to him that was surreal--in a good way. then there was the fact that i thought i loved him and this would be enough. even when it backfired, even when i didnt know what the fuck i did to deserve the "Backhand side" to my cheek! even when i went to stay with him on weekends (now away in college) and was literally held hosage from friday until sunday at the last possible hour i could leave and drive the 45minutes back to my school campus from his apartment by his college campus. even when my best friends were perplexed at why i stayed with him. (this will be the part i research amongst my close friends who basically went through my situation vicariously); i want to know how they felt and why they allowed themselves to sit on the sidelines and love me regardless of my misery. i digress.

so, i say to your post effort that you are right about it straightaway, "i dont know what makes a battered woman go back to an abusive man." unless you PHYSICALLY WALK A MILE in her shoes, with the person she's abused by, you will never know. Just the same as women who put up with husbands who cheat (as long as they continue providing for them and coming home etc.), people who support their pastor's who solicit for money in the name of god and church business, etc. everyone's reason for doing and staying are unique. the only thing that keeps us related and boxed in is the fact that we've endured a love that hurt us physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally. in fact all of those are abusive if u ask me. so then why do people put up with that shit?

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Reading this took me back, and I wrote about it a while ago (some time last year) in my other blog...I never want to go back to that situation again.

12kyle said...

@ Smarty Jones
Pregnant? Mannnn, that's really scary. I think it's interesting that your sister would be in 3 consecutive abusive relationships. You'd think that she would wanna get far away from that. Maybe she has mentally conditioned herself to be prepared for that.

@ Boredntalkative
A dude hit you when you were in high school? Wow. That's crazy to me. I would have never thought about hitting a girl when I was in high school. Glad that you got away from that knucklehead.

@ Darius
LMAO @ U!!!! I'm sure that it happens with homosexuals but I don't think nobody is gonna swing on you. LOL I had a discussion about this Chrihanna situation last week with a male co-worker. He told me that he had an ex girlfriend who used to beat him up and "throw him around." I know it wasn't funny...but I chuckled inside. I would have kept that to myself. LOL

@ Kay C the Quiet Storm
Thanks for sharing your story.I think that's what has happened to Paulina. She has allowed him to cut her off from her friends and family and she is totally dependent on him. She's been mentally broken down for so long...I don't know what it'd take for her to recover.No need to feel ashamed. Things happen. The best thing about your situation is that you lived through it and you can pass on your testimony to others. And you're still here!

@ Keith
I don't think we'll ever understand it. We KNOW that type of dude. Dudes like that stay clear of dudes like us because we don't get down like that.I wasn't surprised that she married that dude. I just don't know what it would take for her to wake up...

12kyle said...

@ Keisha the Kitten
Thanks. I'm not sure why she married this dude. I think it goes back to trying to "outdo" her friends. If Mrs12 bought a car...she'd buy a car. Friends aren't in competition with each other like that.

@ Jaded Santana
I know you won't let a dude hit you. He'd probably be too scared that you would beat him up! LOL.

@ Pro
Thanks for sharing.

As always, you brought the heat today. I don't think you're stepping on anyone's toes. I think this is good dialog here. I wouldn't chastise you or any other woman. I just don't understand how you get to that point. I think your story is remarkable. You overcame that situation and that says alot about you. Luckily, you got to the point where enough was enough. Some women never make it there. And that's sad. You're right, it's not about the love that you get from the world or your family. It's the love that you have from within.

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
Glad to see that you got away and moved on from it. That's important

The Jaded NYer said...

Kyle, you're nuts!! I would NEVER put my hands on a dude (again) 'cause that's just an invitation to get my ass beat!! lol

Tha L said...

Once an abusive man sees that a woman has low self esteem, it makes it so much easier to abuse. So many women go back, not just because they're dumb, but because they really don't think they deserve anything better. Somehow, the attention they get from the abuse is construed in their minds as love. I don't get it...

TravelDiva said...

Oh NO! They got married! That's really sad. I think women stay for different reasons--they mistakenly think they can change the man, they see what the want to see, maybe they're financially dependent on a spouse, or they really believe the men love them. I happen to think that if a man loved me--he would not hit me, especially not punch me in the face like I'm some dude.

Smarty Jones said...

As I said in my comment, I can only go on the experiences that I've seen within the women in my family.
I don't know RiRi, I can't say that I know a whole lot of women other than the three I mentioned and a couple of friends who have endured that.
That was the common thread between those women. I can't and I won't speak for anyone else. I've had discussions with two of the three women about what it was about those men that kept them going back after they'd been abused.
*steps on soap box*
Being loved by a fan is quite different than being loved by a family member or the person who you hope to merge your life with.
In spite of how many magazine covers and "news shows" we see celebrities on, fans love them for their talent and work, they don't know the real person.
What I'm saying, about the women I know, is they did feel that love from their fathers because they either weren't around and weren't trying to be around or they dismissed them when they did come around.
If I had to play the devil's advocate here, I'd say that I said they need to feel loved. It's one thing to hear it, it is quite another to feel it.
When I was growing up, my mother used to say, "I can show you better than I can tell you ..."
That's the point I'm trying to make. They need(ed) to feel that hug, that kiss on the forehead, that sense of security from a man that they didn't get from their fathers.
Affection is the one thing, other than air, food and water that a person can not live without. It is a necessity because without it, the anger and the hurt and the fear begin to eat away at you.
Excuse me, here I am posting again. I'll get down off my soap box now.
*steps down, walks away*

Bobby A. said...

Yo bro, just read the blog. Thanks for including me in the email. In my opinion, (celebrity or not) you need professional help. Be it woman or man there are millions of people abused everyday. Humans were not made to be punching bags or door mats. Great Read!

ShellyShell said...

WOW! That ish is crazy! Maybe one day she'll wake up and see what type of person Todd really is! But I doubt it. He has taken all her self esteem and respect away from her. I know you said she had kids. Does she have a daughter? I wonder if he abuses her if front of the children and how they will grow up!

When I was a Fr/So in college. I broke up with my HS boyfriend because we were two different people heading in two different directions. I saw him at a party one night and he tried to get in my face. Then he proceeded to throw a cup of beer on me. I punched the shyt out of him. Dead in his mothereffin face. Blood went everywhere! I caught him in the nose...lol! His first instinct was to hit me back! As he went to swing on me he was tackled by my homeboys who proceeded to stomp his azz! Since he was embarassed that I popped the piss out of him he went and pressed assault charges on me! My parents worked hard to get those charges dropped! A few months later I came back to my parents house and went out. As I was walking onto the deck of my parents house he emerged from the darkness. This beyatch pulled a gun out and put it to my head and said"If I can't have you know one will. I will kill you,your parents and I will go down with all of you." I was stunned I couldn't believe what was happening! I felt like I had two options cry my way out of it or just be me! So, I thought "God if this is my time I gotta be me." I proceeded to go the eff off! He broke down crying and ish. I said all was ok.I walked my azz into my parents house and made sure very door was locked. I called his parents, woke up my parents and called the dayum police! I was livid! The nerve! Then I thanked God that I walked out of that situation unscathed.
The weird thing was he had never displayed that kind of behavior before. He was always the fun loving guy etc. He didn't have to go to jail. He was ordered to under counseling etc. Shortly after that he moved to Hilton Head, SC! I've seen him since and he's doing very well for himself but I always wonder if he turned out to be an azz beater!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Gosh, this is so awful. I never have understood these situations. We'll have to keep her in our prayers, she'll never be safe around him.

The F$%K it List said...

I think women stay for different reasons, but in the end it all leads to self-esteem. You can be loved by all the people in the world but without REAL love for yourself you will always go back. Even if we use Tina Turner, she didnt love herself, she was not in touch with who she was, Buddhism lead her to freedom from Ike, a SELF purpose.

I have a friend very similar to Mrs.12K's friend, she was from Alabama and we were at undergrad together. She dated this guy who was by anyone standards a loser, but we never questioned their relationship, until she came back to the dorm one time with black eye, then a broken arm where he had thrown her down the stairs. And the response was always the same, its the weed. WTF!

One time he came to the dorm practically broke down her door and beat her up, at an ALL WOMENS COLLEGE this is not going to just fly. I was jumping on his back, pushing him and he threatened me told me I'd end up in a body bag. I forgot I was on the phone with Mr F$%K it and when he heard that he went off. Needless to say what happen the weekend he came to visit, Brooklyn goes hard. he even spent time talking to my friend, and then she went back time and time again, and it all boiled down to self-esteem. What she saw in the mirror was never enough (she would copy my NY accent, and borrow my clothes). When you live like that, wanting what others have or trying to out do people you leave yourself open to predators because your self worth becomes null.

Anonymous said...

I guess Chris Brown has raised alot of domestic controversy....anyways...I want to answer that question for you.....

I too was once in an abusive relationship...and its hard to leave. I couldnt leave cos that was a security blanket for me, cos I loved him, I hope that he would change...and I also did it for the kids. I dont know why she married him after the abuse...but I was already married with 3 children...and I didnt want to be alone. No one can really put their finger on anyones situation...until they are in it.

Sorry for Paulina....shell be dead soon, I almost lost my life..thats when I FINALLY left!!

Angel said...

I debated on if I should post or not as this really upset me but let me tell you something guys at one point in my life I too found myself living my life cowering under the fist of my ex boyfriend. The whole shit took me by surprise to be honest, one minute we were so happy the next he was jealous, possessive and constantly trying to control me. It was because I tried to leave him that the violence happened and I started to become afraid to leave.

Knowing that people think of these woman as lost souls who have low self esteem and have a desperate need to be loved made it even worse for me, I was embarrassed that I a successful go getting sista could be involved in anything like this. I became successful at hiding it until one day he went a little too far and something really bad happened.

In short I decided I couldn’t go on with it and no matter what the consequence (even death) I would leave. Sorry I know this is not about me so I’m going to shut up now but guys don’t judge you really don’t know the situations.

At one point even if its fifty years later a women either gets killed or gets fed up. I pray that Paulina will get fed up and that day she will really need Mrs12

Angel x

L. Renee' said...

Hey Kyle,
I always said that I would never be one of those girls who let a man control them or beat on them. Well, when I went to college I learned to never say never. My college boyfriend was very manipulative and controlling. He was so good at that I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. I thought he was just over protective. What can I say, I pretty smart but damn...I didn't see it coming. One day, he snapped and embarrassed me in front of everyone in the student center. He grabbed my arm because he didn't like what I was wearing. Of course I cursed him out and went on about my business back to my dorm. About three hours later. He starts banging my door down. Cursing at me and calling me all kinds are horrible names. This was one of those times that no one was around. The first thing I thought was where the hell is everybody? I opened the door and told me to quiet down and lets talk about it. He had this crazy look on his face and he picked me up and slammed me against the wall in the hall way. It happend so fast that I felt like it was happening to someone else. I started screaming and crying and all of sudden his eyes softened and he put me down. He started crying and telling me he was sorry, and that he wasn't going to hit me. My legs were so wobbly like jello that I just fell to the floor. I felt sick and shaky. I have never in my life experienced anything like this. I was terrified of him. But, I knew that I had to end things. Courage came over me and I told him it was over. He cried and begged me to reconsider. I was done! I never looked back!

Stew said...

that's some serious stuff there man. i agree with everything you said though. once someone has established a mental power over someone they can really do whatever they want to that person. it is really sad that some people do not have enough confidence in themselves to stand on their own two feet, but that is just how people are.

the most amazing thing to me is that people are surprised when they hear of an abused person go back to their abuser. by now it is so commonplace that there should be no surprise. but that does not take away from the fact that they should not go back. a person who has had their will taken away is always going to go back to the person who has it and they will stay with that person until they die, or they fight to get their will back