Monday, May 10, 2010

what we are

I tried to get some work done from home on a rainy evening.

The only sounds that were heard through my spacious, yet partially furnished condo was the rainfall and the instrumental beats from JDilla. Rainy days in downtown Atlanta always made me feel peaceful. I knew it'd be a good night.

Then my cell phone rang. It was Terrin. Terrin is a woman who I've been seeing for the last 4 months. She's not my girlfriend and I'm not her boyfriend. We've never "defined" what we have. We go out on dates and stuff. And of course, we're sleeping together. I like her. She said from the onset that she wasn't looking for a man. That was cool for me because I'm not looking for a girlfriend.

"Hello." I answered.

"Hey. I wanted to know if it was cool if I came over. I need to talk to you." she said

"Sure. C'mon over. I'll be here."

She said she was already downtown so she'd be over in 10 mins. I'll admit...I was curious why she wanted to talk to me in person. She could have said whatever she needed to say over the phone. She arrives 10 mins later. Before she gets comfortable, I offered her something to drink. She declined. I noticed a concerned look on her face. I asked what was wrong.

"I need to know where I stand with you? I want you to be honest with me. We spend so much time together. But I don't know where I am in your mind. I want to know where this is going. It's been 4 months. I like you. I mean...I really like you. I just need to know what's up."

I paused for a second. I wasn't expecting THIS conversation. I'm a bachelor without any kids. I want to settle down one day. Not today. Not tomorrow. I cleared my throat.

"You want me to be honest?" I asked

She replied..."Yes."

"I like you. I think you're cool. I enjoy hanging out with you. I've enjoyed these past 4 months. I haven't seen anybody since we've been together. I haven't asked you if you've been out with anybody since we've been together because it's not my business. I don't know if you have or not."

She interrupted me..."I haven't. I don't get down like that. You know me."

Before I began my next words...I started to sound like that song by Little Brother.

"I don't want a relationship with you. I don't want a relationship with anybody. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but you told me to be honest. You want to be my girlfriend. You can't be. I like you but I don't wanna be serious right now. If that means that we end what we have, then that's what we'll do. In fact, maybe that's what we SHOULD do since this is how you really feel. Somewhere between me and you sharing had visions of me and you sharing baths. You want to see us together and I can only ask have I misled you. I don't think I did. If so, I'm sorry. I dig you...please understand. I just don't dig you enough to be your man."

Blank stare.

"I just can't give you what you want and you can't give me what I need. I'm sorry that we could never be more than what we are."



Trish said...

Is it always the woman who ends up goin there and catchin feelings? Has this ever happened to a guy?
I just wonder cause I have totally been in a relationship where we both knew we werent each others boy/girl friend and we just enjoyed it for what it was. I never caught feelings, just enjoyed what it was. Is it because we going into it un-defined in the first place? hmmm.

12kyle said...

@ Trish
Yes! Men do catch feelings. I can't say that we don't. In this scenario, she did. And I didn't. She asked me to be honest and I did...

swtstiletto said...

This was a great read. It's such a very common scenario. I do commend you for being honest as difficult as it may have been for her to hear. After the hurt, a reasonable women could do nothing but respect your honesty. The problem typically comes when the man (in this case) becomes so selfish that he continues the relationship simply because he doesn't want to lose the companionship (or the sex) with that women, but by doing so he leads her to believe he want the same thing that she does. On the other hand, there are women who will agree to an undefined relationship when they really want more becuase they dig a guy so much and think they can change his mind eventually. Equally as much of a problem. Point: Be real with yourself and honest with others involved...guess if that were as easy as it sounds we'd have less drama in relationships, huh?

The Smoking Ace said...

Hey, At least you were honest.

CoogieCruz said...

I think most of the time undefined relationships is a walk into the unknown, which is a risk you have to be willing to take or at least aware of that there is a risk. Sometimes one person becomes emotionally involved and the other party doesn't, sometimes both parties are able to walk the path without any emotional ties and then there are the situations when both parties become emotionally involved and those laughs do turn into baths which that in itself isn't always a good place to be when neither party is ready or willing to commit and define who they are. I think it's safe to say most of the time, someone always gets hurt - even by the truth which is better than a lie.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

LOL...this scenario has spanned throughout time in different ways. It probably wasn't what she wanted to hear, but you get kudos for being straight up. This is also a good way to avoid stalkers....

Redbonegirl97 said...

I will say that women read more into a non existing relationship but half the time they are being led on with comments that get caught in our heads which trigger those lovey dovey feelings that the guy isn't seeing at all.

Peace, Love and Chocolate