Wednesday, December 2, 2009

lemmegivusumadvice


Love Jones

One of my favorite movies of all time.

I watched it the other day for the 2000th time (i guess)

One of the most important scenes in the movie was when Nina decided to take the advice of her best friend, Josie.

(for those who haven't seen the movie...I'll break it down for you).


Nina was beginning a synergetic relationship with Darius. She gets approached by her ex-fiancee who invites her to leave Chicago and move in with him in New York City. She is confused. Should she stay and build on what she has with Darius? Should she move to NYC to see what has left with her ex. While neither she nor Darius would classify their involvement as a relationship, they both knew that they had something special. However, they both described it as "just kickin' it."

Faced with a crucial decision...Nina seeks the advice of her best friend, Josie. Josie is single. Nina has a man. Therein lies the problem...



Why would you seek the advice of somebody who wasn't riding in the same boat that you were in? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Don't get me wrong. As a friend, they are there for you no matter what. But could she really speak to the situation with a clear understanding because she was not in a relationship?

For example, I'm married. I have friends who are both married and single. In fact, some of my boys are single. As a married man...could I ask JFresh or Clark a question about marriage when they've never been married? Both dudes are very cerebral and could give me a great deal of insight on how a female may think or act. But would I really seek their advice on marriage???

Which brings me back to Love Jones.

Don't you think you should seek advice about your relationship(s) with friends who aren't in a relationship?

Have you ever gotten bad advice from a friend?

hollatchaboi!

26 comments:

Noire Chatte said...

If you want that different opinion then yes, it doesn't hurt to ask but when asking you are also telling them the problem. I never think people in relationships should share their business with single people.

But if you only ask other people that are in the same situation you are most likely to get the same answer but does that mean its the right one?

12kyle said...

@ Noire Chatte
That's a very interesting perspective. Neva really thought about it like that

Rashan Jamal said...

i dont want advice from any one. That takes care of that. LOL For real, most people are gonna do what they want to do anyway, so I just save my breath.

BorednTalkative said...

I'm very secretive, so I usually keep things to myself. I like to deal with things on my own. I'm just like that.

But people tend to come to me for advice. My sister is engaged and is 8yrs older than me. She talks to me about her relationship and asks my advice on things. I've never been engaged and I'm single but I'll still give her my opinion. Then it's up to her if she thinks I have a valid point or not.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

This is one of my all-time favorite movies for a variety of different reasons (see similar post coming soon ;-)

Personally, I think you should always be careful when you seek advice. Consider the source and how they live their life. There are friends I would NEVER seek or ask for relationship advice but others...maybe. Even when I do get advice, I always take it with a grain of salt.

Bottom line...the only person who has to live with my decisions is ME!

That was where the relationship went downhill in the movie, she should've asked her man how he felt about it and he should've been honest. But hey, we try to save face all the time and end up getting kicked in the teeth. LOVE the movie :-)

Pigskin Loving Lady said...

I love, Love, LOVE the movie. It’s in my top ten. As for advice I rarely seek it but when I do, it’s from those that love and care for ME and my HUSBAND. That’s the difference IMO, unbiased guidance.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I agree, and I learned this the hard way. I listened to advice from my so called best friend who was single about my relationship...advice that caused my relationship to end. It wasn't until later on down the line that I found out she gave me this advice on purpose because she was upset that she was single. The really sad thing is, she lost many friends because I wasn't the only one she did this too (misery loves company, doesn't it??).

The guy and I ended up getting back together, and one of my male friends told me then what you're saying now. BTW, that friend is out of my life.

xcentricgem said...

The advice that you receive is directly related to the person that you've asked. If you think enough of them to ask them for advice ... u're probably willing to listen and trust that their advice in that situation is viable in some manner. Do my married friends ask me for 'advice' ... absolutely ... Before I answer I usually say ... "Keep in mind that I am NOT in ur shoes ... I can only tell u what I think I would do IF I were in that situation ..." That statement opens them up to be critical and objective of my response (hopefully).

Advice is riddled with imperfection. The listener is getting 1 side of the story ... possibly has little knowledge of the other parties wants, needs, desires, likes and dislikes ...

Rather than give advice ... I usually play devil's advocate ... the resulting action and outcome becomes the sole responsibility of the person asking for the advice rather than ur's ... it also reduces the amt of individual perspective and helps u ... the advisor ... identify the true problem ...

MzInspiredMind81 said...

I'm probably in the minority on this one. I do think that at times it's ok to ask single friends for advice if you're in a relationship. My reasoning is b/c they haven't always been single so I'm sure they may be able to offer some insight. Hell, the situation u may be going thru in your relationship/marriage may be the reason they are single. They can give you that other side of the coin advice.

Now w/ myself, I don't care if you're single, in a relationship, married, or whatever. I don't ask for advice much b/c noone can tell me whats best for my situation except for myself.

Kingsmomma said...

LOL, I think the problem was her man was FINE as hell and she asked her single friend....


I don't think its wrong to ask a friend single or not thier opinion. Im assuming that you have friends that are level headed (at this stage we're past the misery loves company stage) so their answer so be one that takes in consideration your well being. As a friend that is the most important thing. I don't feel just being married gives everyone an automatic qulaification to dish relationship advice to other b/c every marriage is different and what works for them may not work so easily for another. You see what happened when Harpo asked Ceily for advice?

E.M.H. said...

LOVE JONES!!! THAT's my movie . . . maybe I'll watch it tonight LOL.

First, the only decision that matters is yours. Your friends (in relationships or single) may offer/give advice but they never know everything that is going on in your relationship nor should they. So, their advice may be helpful on some level but at the end of the day you truly know best about what you should or should not do. Second, all your friends do not need to know your business. People need to talk to their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives about what is going on more than their friends!!!!! You cannot work out your relationship issues with someone you're not in a relationship with at the end of the day!!!!!!!

The F$%K it List said...

I learned not to seek advise from single friends, or some married friends. I've seen too many single friends break up good relationships. So now I keep to myself and speak to the hubby about any issues I have.

Don said...

Makes perfect sense @ the point in seeking advice from someone who isn't married.

Still there are times where I seek advice from ones close to me about things involving their individual perspective as well as their knowledge of me, how they know me well, and wanting to hear what they feel is best.

What I decide to do is always on me.


Good post.

OMG!30soon said...

I seek advice from all friends because everyone has a different point of view. WHAT I DONT DO IS take all advice to heart. You have to let some of it go in one ear and out the other. And I never ask a woman that is known to all to be bitter. I normally ask the men that are close in my life because nobody can give you advice on a numskull like another numskull. lol

Reina said...

Similarly to how single people may give bitter advice about relationships, committed people are prone to give extra-happy advice. Misery loves company, but so des happiness. I see no issue at listening to advice from a single person. It just depends on why that person is single. Advice is merely a suggestion, a different viewpoint. Ultimately, it's that person's decision to take heed or not.

Anywho, I do love this movie.

Tha L said...

For me Kyle, it's not so much getting advice from someone who's not in the same situation as me. I think it's more important that I seek advice from someone who REALLY and TRULY knows me. Whether they're in a relationship or not, a true friend who really knows me will be able to know what I will be willing to deal with or put up with or whatever. Some of the best relationship advice I've gotten is from my single homegirl...but we've been friends since junior high and she definitely knows me like the back of her hand. Seewhatimsayin?

~Ms. Moore~ said...

seeking advise is risky business. You have to be careful in your choice of individuals. You seem to be presenting your opinion as if it is a black or white when it really should be a gray area. Should I take the advise from the individual best suited to give it of course I should. But just because her friend does not have a man at this moment does not mean that she is not qualified to advise her. She probably had a man at one time or another. Besides Nina and Darius are just kickin' it. Nina is not in a relationship either. I would be less likely to ask a person that has never been married for marriage advise. But just because someone is married doesn't mean they are qualified to give advise on the subject. Then you have so many variables when you talk about relationships, the two individuals involved, their backgrounds, previous relationships, income, sex drive, goals, willingness to compromise and put in the necessary effort, etc., etc.
I rarely ask for advise because in the end I have to live with the decision.
www.deliveringonthepromise.com/rcvmoore

The Jaded NYer said...

I've only ever gotten bad advice from people that were faux friends. My real friends have my best interest at heart and never steer me wrong.

That said I don't go to everyone with every problem, so I agree with you on that. I have a small group of very close friends and each one is an expert at different things. I guess that's why the Universe allowed us to find each other and become friends.

Keith said...

As a married man ,I don't ask my single friends who have never been
married for any advice.How would they know? They haven't walked where I've walked. The flip side is, they can ask me for advice because I've been where they are!

Keith said...

Oh yeah, My wife and I went to the movies to see that. Then I bought the soundtrack and when it came out on video..we bought that too!
There was one "Chick flick" that I dug as much as she did.

dessex said...

Just because they not in a relationship doesn't mean they don't have in sight about certain situations.

That's like my favorite movie of all time, and Nia Long is the baddest!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

You have a point. I agree with you. I've done it before and also realized that it's not smart to ask for advice from people who may also want a relationship...the feedback you'll get will undoubtedly be tainted.

Ieisha said...

OMG! Love Jones is my favorite movie of ALL-TIME! And I agree that the downfall of that was Nina playing the 'game' that Josie suggested. Which is why Darius reacted the way he did to Nina. But you know it affected him b/c of the conversation he had with Savon.

Can you tell that I love this movie? lol.

My motto when asking for advice: CONSIDER THE SOURCE.

sunnydelyte21 said...

I wrote a blog about that last month sometime (go check it out if you want), but no you shouldn't asked advice from someone that hasn't experience what you have or isn't in the same situation.

Anonymous said...

forgive others but not yourself........................................

S.Sommers said...

Its a logical question, why would you go to a friend who's single for advice when you're in a relationship? But everybody does it! Sometimes I think going to an outside source can offer insight onto your situation that you may not always be able to see. That being said, I think you have to solicit advice from the right people for the right situation.

You just have to be careful because sometimes people have ulterior motives or they're just hating, and the best way to get through to you with that hate is to "advise you" on your situation! I don't think its anything wrong with asking single people for advice, you just have to use discretion upon applying it!