Monday, August 3, 2009


We all have certain attributes that we look for in a person that we are interested in.

Some attributes mean more to us than others.

Some people are big on looks. Others are big on personality. Some are big on education...

I recently had conversation with an old college buddy who expressed his frustration with me about his wife's education...or lack thereof. He has been married for a few years and he knew that she only had a high school diploma. He has a college degree. His frustration has come because she has no intentions of pursuing a degree at this point.

"Man, she's different. She's not like the chicks that we went to school with. They have hustle and drive. She doesn't. I thought she did but she doesn't. She just wants to work at this little job and doesn't wanna better herself."

I tried to put a positive spin on it. But he wasn't hearing it. To him, he wanted somebody who is just as focused on their education as he was. She said that she was gonna get her degree after they were married. That was years ago and she has done nothing. In fact, she hasn't worked much during the time that they have been married.

I have a college degree. So does my wife. In fact, she has her masters degree. Could I have dated/married somebody who didn't have a college degree? Of course I could have. It's important but not as important as the other attributes that I would seek in a mate. For me, the one attribute that a woman that I'm interested in MUST have is intelligence. You gotta be smart. I'm smart. I never wanted a dumb chick. I'll take brains over beauty any day.

What about you? What is the ONE attribute that your mate MUST have? And why?



Angel said...

One thing I need my partner to have is self motivation, if they don’t have that then we cant go anywhere.
I'm a very motivated person and like someone that does things.

A degree is not that important to me at all.

Trish said...

Cant stand a lazy man. I want him to be able to take care of business and most importantly be able to make his own decision. I dont like a whishy washy man. Just make a decision already! damn.

Kyle, would your friend actually divorce his wife for not having a degree?!?!? He didnt say she was dumb.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

Good post. I would have to say that the one thing my woman must have is tenacity. I know going in she won't be dumb, because if she was she wouldn't hold my interest.

She needs to be able to hang in there when the times are lean, because you can have a PhD and that won't stop hard times from coming.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

I think your friend is frustrated because what he has and what he THOUGHT he had is two different people. She said she would do something she is not willing to do.

For me...the one thing a man must have is drive. Have a dream and be willing to work to achieve it.

12kyle said...

@ Angel
Good point. I think it begins and ends with self motivation

@ Trish
Lmao @ u! Dead on point, tho. A man is useless if he's always indecisive

@ Rich
Mannnnn, u aint neva lied. One thing is for some point in time...times WILL get rough! You don't want nobody who is gonna bail out.

@ Kay C
She definitely aint willing to do it. And unfortunately, it's becoming a HUGE issue for him.

Anonymous said...

For me, it's adventure. I cannot live my life with someone who isn't willing to try new things.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

Tangible: A degree (I've tried dating guys without one, and it doesn't work...NEVER WORKS)
Intangible: Intelligence. I say this because this will flow through his other facets of life, in which it will be beneficial to us as a couple and to him as a man. I can't stand a dumb person.

ShellyShell said...

I need my guy to have ambition and be willing to try new things. I really want my man to have a degree. I can't say it's a dealbreaker but I really can't see myself dating a dude that doesn't have at least a bacholor's! I rarely come across men that don't have a degree. Most have advanced degrees.

I have a gf like your friend. She has her MBA and her husband has a hs diploma. She gets upset because of it. I always tell her you knew this waaayyyyy before y'all got married. So it's your fault! Hell, my mom used to say you don't see a waitress married to a doctor too often. So get out there and go to school and be successful in your life!

MzInspiredMind81 said...

My mate MUST HAVE DRIVE. They cannot be complacent in life. They have to not only constantly want better but be making the necessary moves to HAVE better.

~Ms. Moore~ said...

Not having a college education is not a deal breaker for me but I do expect my man to be intelligent enough to carry on a conversation. Malcolm X was predominantly self-taught and that education started in prison. Martin Luther King Jr began his formal education at Morehouse. Who wouldn’t have either or these men? My man wouldn’t have to be a multi-billionaire but he does have to have enough drive to handle his business so life is not a constant struggle everyday.

Tha L said...

Any man I'm interested in MUST have a formal college education. And preferably a masters or doctoral education. I didn't think this mattered to me until I married a man who was exactly the same as you described your friend's wife. He talked a good game about what he "was gon' do", but never actually did that shit. And because I'm someone, like you're friend, who highly values my education, that just didn't work. I never thought it was an issue with me until I had to deal with it. Now I know, my man's GOT to have an education.

clnmike said...

Exactly what is he expecting to be different if she gets that college education? Is she supposed to morph into a different person or get "smarter"? Or is he thinking of better income?

For me intelligence is important in a woman but that does not mean a formal education, just intellectual curiosity.

12kyle said...

@ Irene
I feel you. Who wants to be in a boring relationship?

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
At least you're honest with yourself. You know that it hasn't worked in the past and you're not trying to go down that road again

@ ShellyShell
HAHAHAHA! Your momma was dead on point!

@ Mzinspiredmind
AMEN! I couldn't agree more!

@ Ms Moore
I think you hit the nail on the head. When you have drive, you aren't as consumed with life's daily pressures and tribulations

@ L
You know exactly where he's coming from. The drive...or lackthereof is only magnified by false promises and bs

@ cnlmike
For him, it's not about the degree. It's about being committed to a goal and achieving it. If you can't make that kinda committment to better yourself...then in his eyes...she's not handling her business.

Pro said...

I'm reading this book and this chapter stood out to me. Then, I remembered this post. I'ma quote it verbatim.

[...] <--added to leave out unrelated parts--> Begin quote:

Mrs.Q, who earlier in life, was interested in two things: landing a husband and being a stay-home-mom. [...] She confesses that she went on to higher education--she has a master's degree in business--only because she believed her mother's advice that attending school was the best way to meet an educated, ambitious, well-to-do man. Now in her 40s, she has no interest in working and is still trying to conceive a child with her husband.
It goes on to say (in the first person):

I was very young when I married, only 22. Even though I already had my master's degree, I had a hard time getting a job, so I became a housewife, which was my goal anyway. I admit, I was lazy about looking for a job. I had worked very hard in school and really needed a break. I didn't tell my husband that. He thought I was looking for a job every day, so I lied just a little. The truth is, I wanted it to appear that I was interested in a career, but I wasn't.

At first it was fine. We lived in the city, and I had all the luxuries at my fingertips. [...] I could play tennis outside in the park during the day and be ready for my handsome husband when he arrived home. I had the good life, loved my husband, and was eager to be a good wife. I managed to get away with the leisurely life for 3 years. I kept my brain stimulated by reading everything I could get my hands on and by helping out in my husband's investment banking firm from time to time. [...] It allowed me to go out with my husband and his colleagues and not sound like some housewife without a brain. [...] After all, I was educated, but I had no interest in a real job.

/End excerpt.

Kyle, my question to your boy is this: Would he be okay with THIS type of deception or would he rather stay frustrated in his current situation? Either way, I think he needs to open up to his wife about his feelings. He may fond she had her own similar hustle she worked on him. I'm just sayin...