Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I remember the conversation like it was yesterday.

JFresh: "You're ready to do this?"

Me: "Yeah man. I know I'm ready"

JFresh: "You're gonna have to sign that contract. You know...that's what a marriage certificate is. It's a contract. It ain't like the contract that you signed for you job. You can't get outta this contract. How much does a marriage license cost?"

Me: "Ten bucks."

JFresh: "It'll cost you a lot more to get out of that contract."

I remember that conversation. It was nearly 9 yrs ago. Just before I got married.

J is a smart dude. Single. No kids. I've known him since we were 6. He was in my wedding. I'll be in his...if it ever happens. Probably won't ever happen. He's not looking to get married. He's not looking for a commitment from a woman.

Commitment- the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself...the state or act of committing

Many people say that it's hard for men AND women to commit. Why? Not really sure. These are some possibilities...

1. Loosing out
If you commit to a relationship or a marriage, you lose out on all of the men or women that you COULD be with. For instance, by getting married...I've given up on ALL of the women all over the world who want me!! Because all of the women want me...right? LMAO! You get my point

2. Fear of the unknown
Men (in general) run from this fear. They've heard horror stories about how a woman changes after she becomes your main girl or wife. That fear almost cripples someones mental state. I've heard stories about dudes who had sex all the time before they got married. Once the ring was put on her finger, the sex slowed down. I've also heard stories from women who have had men who went from being driven and hard working to lazy bums

3. Lost friends
Some people think that when you are in a comitted relationship you're supposed to rid yourself of your friends. Not true. Should you put your friends before your lover? No. Should you put the person who you're comitted to before your friends? Depends on who you ask

I could go on and on but you get my point. I think almost all of us want to commit to someone. And we want that person to be just as committed to us in return. One of the great benefits of being committed is that you get to share some great times and bad times with one person. And that makes the bond stronger.

What about you? Your thoughts on your commitment or desires to have one.



Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I would like to be married one day, but my fear is putting my all into it, and getting a divorce one day...that's the only problem about marriage.

Kingsmomma said...

I;d like to be married one day and i'm certain it will happen. I still have these grandiose naive dreams about How marriage will be. Taht it will be FOREVER. I know it's hard work but I'm ready to clock in some major hours. I think both people have to believe in the struggle and remain committed to it.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

The start of the relationship week post, huh?

It is hard for many people to find a balance between their relationship and their friends and families.

I was jaded by marriage but I had to realize it was because of the person I chose. I still believe in marriage and that it can be wonderful. I want to be married again and am looking forward to it.

This time I will chose more carefully as I know what it is like and what it takes to make it work (or not work). I will still put my all into it because that is my personality. You get what you give.

Eb the Celeb said...

I thought j phresh was trying to find the one?


I think I am finally ready for it mentally... so many women want commitment but dont want to put in the work it takes to get there and stay there. It takes a different level of maturity to be able to love someone just as much as you love yourself. I can admit that the majority of my life I have been selfish, it was about Eb and Eb's schooling, and Eb's career and laying down the foot work for my life first. How can you truly complete someone else when you haven't accomplished key things in your life.

I said I never wanted to have kids or get married in my twenties so I'm right on track with where I want to be but I am suppose to be dating some potentials right now since I would like to get married when I'm 31...and I'm beyond behind schedule in that dept since I tend to date men that are so far removed from marriage material.

But I got 3 years to nab somebody before I start panicking so I'm good...lol

Trish said...

I will be married for Seven years this August. WOO HOO!
I think I can truly say I loved every minute of it, the good and the bad. I have an Awesome husband!! He loves me, hes attentive, thinks of me in everything he does, considerate, respectful, all of the above.
I often say to my friends that my husband is very rare.. because Ive truly never met a man of his caliber. Marriage is work, dont be mistaken. you have to work at it constantly, but not to the point that its a chore, its something you make enjoyable. something you want to do.
Your sabotaging yourself if you go into marriage thinking "I might get divorced" you're bound to fail. My biggest advice... Keep the communication open, dont hide anything, be honest and open with each other. Thats the only way you'll find out who your spouse REALLY is. You might know your man, but you really know him once your married. Ladies, dont sweat the small stuff, pick your battles. If he drops his clothes outside the hamper, dont nag the man, just pick them up when you're putting your clothes in the hamper. If he leaves the jelly out, just close it up and put it back in the fridge. and last but not least LET YOUR MAN BE A MAN!!!!!!!!!!
Believe me, he'll love you for it and when he's out with the boys, he'll want to come running home to you. (Oh, and give him alot of

Tha L said...

Hey Kyle. I love it when you write stuff about your fam. I think commitment is awesome. Marriage is cool too. For me, it's the cohabitation part that's not so nice. If I ever get married again, I swear the hubby gon' have to buy the house next door. THAT, I do believe, would work just fine for me!

12kyle said...

@ Beautifully.Conjured.Up
I feel where you're coming from. The rewards definitely outweigh the risk. I'd put my feelings/heart on the line for an attempt to achive a lifetime of happiness with someone

@ Kingsmomma
Those dreams will come true for you. I believe that. It's hard work. Constant work. But that's what it takes to get what you want, right?

@ Kay C The Quiet Storm
I commend you for wanting to try again. Honestly, if this marriage didn't work for me...I wouldn't do it again. Not that I hate marriage, I just dunno if I could love/trust/try this hard again. But I definitely commend and admire your spirit

@ Eb
Great points. Don't focus on a time frame. It might happen 5 yrs from now. It might happen next week. You never know. Keep pushing and don't settle.

@ Trish
I couldn't add any more to what you said...except...give him some! Lmao! Keep givin it to him

*side note...post on sex tomorrow*

@ L
LMAO!!! U r crazy! So, can he stay in your house and you move in next door?

Grown Woman said...

I've been married for 5 years, we've been together for 12 and after experiencing some rough times I realized that I did not have the right attitude about marriage when I got married. I loved him but wasn't thinking of it as something that I needed to put my heart , time and soul in. I thought it would be easy and when it wasn't, I was ready to give up. I think marriage can be a wonderful thing but it takes HARD work, sacrifice and commitment from both people. Women often think about how their mates should make them happy but don't think enough about how to make their mates happy. Despite some rough times, I would do it all over again. It's nice having someone to share and build a life with.

ShellyShell said...

I was supposed to get married in July of 06 but it was called off. I know from the cohabitation to the couples counseling(required by the church) that marriage is hard work. My ex is a gem of a dude. Matter of fact he's getting married next month and his wife couldn't ask for a better man. We just weren't right for each other. The hurt and pain we both went thru when we split up was almost unbearable. But because we didn't end up together doesn't jade my view on marriage and family.

I still want to get married and have a kid one day. Thy type of man my ex was is what I wanted and what I received with the Teacher. It took a while for us to get here but I think we're finally on the same page. Hell even if by chance things fall apart with him. I'll still believe in marriage....

Rich Fitzgerald said...

Marriage. I far too many opinions on this -- I've been married 14 years come November. It does take work, because everyone oomes with their own preconceived notions about what marriage should be. If you get that, and can deal with the fact that the other person may see things different than you despite your attraction, then you should be fine.

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, i've been married and it was for a very long time. I know the ups and downs and the work you have to put into it. I know about the giving and taking and yet still allowing that individual to be himself an i ME. Will i do it again? Perhaps. Am i wanting a committed relationship? Yes, with the right individual...i know so much more now about what i need, and what i want. I married very young, and only for loves sake, which i don't see a problem with. But i do know that individuals grow and at sometimes different rates...i'm alot older and wiser now and i know the importance of choosing the proper mate.

dessex said...

I'm roll wit number 2. I really think that I'm just not sure what I will be gettin myself into if I get married. I love my girl to death but there is a level of uncertainty I have. I guess that's why I'm takin my time

Coogie Cruz said...

Facebook said I'll be married around 40 so I think by then I should be straight in the meantime, I am chillin. Committing to myself and working out my phobias concerning making a commitment that big.

12kyle said...

@ Grown Woman
You hit the nail on the head. One of things about being married is that you have to put your spouse first. In all things! That is difficult to do for most of us b/c we are all selfish by nature

@ ShellyShell
Sounds like y'all weren't meant to be together. It's good that you saw that before you got married. You sound ginuwinely happy for your ex. You know I'm pulling for you and the Teacher

@ Rich
Great points! Fourteen years!!! That's where I'm tryna go!

@ Miz
I can definitely see you being married again. I know that you're gonna make the right choice

@ dessex
It is the great unknown. However, keep in mind that it's ok because you are making that journey together

@ Coogie Cruz
Phobia? Hang in there Cruz. It's not that bad. LOL

Queen of My Castle said...

I can totally relate to Miz. I, too, married for the sake of love. Now that I have been the married woman and am now the single woman, I have evolved so to speak which means I know myself better, am free to be myself, and in turn NOW know what kind of man it takes to compliment the woman that I have become. Will I ever get re-married? Hopefully...

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

I'd also like to be married. I really don't have any reservations, my issue is with finding someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life (and vice versa). J made wise comments.

Angel said...

I'm not afraid of commitment when I was young and immature then perhaps I was but no I know that there is no one better than what I have so I will happily sacrifice all the men in the whole entire world that I could have had lol

Angel said...

I'm not afraid of commitment when I was young and immature then perhaps I was but no I know that there is no one better than what I have so I will happily sacrifice all the men in the whole entire world that I could have had lol