what we are

*repost May 2010*

I tried to get some work done from home on a rainy evening.

The only sounds that were heard through my spacious, yet partially furnished condo was the rainfall and the instrumental beats from JDilla. Rainy days in downtown Atlanta always made me feel peaceful. I knew it'd be a good night.

Then my cell phone rang. It was Terrin. Terrin is a woman who I've been seeing for the last 4 months. She's not my girlfriend and I'm not her boyfriend. We've never "defined" what we have. We go out on dates and stuff. And of course, we're sleeping together. I like her. She said from the onset that she wasn't looking for a man. That was cool for me because I'm not looking for a girlfriend.

"Hello." I answered.

"Hey. I wanted to know if it was cool if I came over. I need to talk to you." she said

"Sure. C'mon over. I'll be here."
She said she was already downtown so she'd be over in 10 mins. I'll admit...I was curious why she wanted to talk to me in person. She could have said whatever she needed to say over the phone. She arrives 10 mins later. Before she gets comfortable, I offered her something to drink. She declined. I noticed a concerned look on her face. I asked what was wrong.

"I need to know where I stand with you? I want you to be honest with me. We spend so much time together. But I don't know where I am in your mind. I want to know where this is going. It's been 4 months. I like you. I mean...I really like you. I just need to know what's up."
I paused for a second. I wasn't expecting THIS conversation. I'm a bachelor without any kids. I want to settle down one day. Not today. Not tomorrow. I cleared my throat.

"You want me to be honest?" I asked

She replied..."Yes."
"I like you. I think you're cool. I enjoy hanging out with you. I've enjoyed these past 4 months. I haven't seen anybody since we've been together. I haven't asked you if you've been out with anybody since we've been together because it's not my business. I don't know if you have or not."

She interrupted me..."I haven't. I don't get down like that. You know me."

Before I began my next words...I started to sound like that song by Little Brother.

"I don't want a relationship with you. I don't want a relationship with anybody. I know that's not what you wanted to hear but you told me to be honest. You want to be my girlfriend. You can't be. I like you but I don't wanna be serious right now. If that means that we end what we have, then that's what we'll do. In fact, maybe that's what we SHOULD do since this is how you really feel. Somewhere between me and you sharing laughs...you had visions of me and you sharing baths. You want to see us together and I can only ask have I misled you. I don't think I did. If so, I'm sorry. I dig you...please understand. I just don't dig you enough to be your man."

Blank stare.

"I just can't give you what you want and you can't give me what I need. I'm sorry that we could never be more than what we are."

Silence...